It's a little rough. A sound by Carrie Underwood and a video by her inspired it. It may sound wierd, cause I messed up and didn't want to fix it so I continued. Here it is:

I don’t know what my plan was. I stormed out of the house so quickly, I didn’t know what I was going to do next. As I took a walk, I knew I was going to miss everything. The way the knee-high gras.s swayed lightly to the wind. The way the rain played in the mud as it fell from the grey sky.  I knew I was going to miss the way my sneakers skimmed across the concrete highway. And the empty highways. No one ever seemed to drive along it.  Maybe that was because there were so many crosses along the sides of it. People nicknamed it ‘Death’s Highway’.

I walked in the middle of the highway, on the white lines. I was looking down so I didn’t notice the car driving towards me.

I sat on the steps of my house. The rain slowly soaked my clothes. After hearing the scream of my little brother, who was only 2, I stood up and walked inside, the anger inside me flaring. I stopped at the sight of my mother who was gripping my little brother, Blake, by the bicep. He was screaming and trying to slap my mom.  I ran over to him, gripped her arm and dug my fingernails into her forearm. Her grip loosened and I pulled Blake away.

My mother let words fly. I covered Blake’s ears and pulled away outside. To my luck, I saw one of my good friends walking past my house.

“Ann!” I shouted at her. She spun around and ran over to me.

“What?” she asked.

“Take him to your place. Let him do whatever. Not dangerous things, though.” Good thing she loves Blake.

“Okay.” Her lips turned downward. She picked up Blake and ran away.

I turned back around and stomped back inside.

“Why would you do that, Erin?!?” she shouted at me; I cringed.

“Because! You just want me to stand still while my little TWO year old brother is getting hurt!!!!” I shout back.

She walked over to me, slapped me, pushed me down and continued to slap me. I caught her hand and threw it to the side; I screamed. I stood up and ran outside, tears streaming.

The tears stopped when I reached ‘Death’s Highway’.

I walked along the sides of the road. Thinking about Blake, I began to cry again. I stopped and fell on my knees. I put my head in my hands and tried to think about better things.

When the tears subsided again, I stood up and walked into the middle of the street, along the white lines. I recited a poem that always cheered me up, but it didn’t work.

As I stumbled back to the sides, I kicked something silver. I stopped and picked it up; it was a razor. Just then I thought of my friend who died from accidently cutting herself. Maybe that was my answer. I threw the razor and kept walking. At the faint rumble of a car, I looked up through my bangs. Yes, a car was coming.

I walked into the middle of the road and I felt a rush of wind drive past me. I looked behind me; the car hadn’t hit me. It swerved.

There was sevreal problems. But the biggest one was deion. It the first paragraph when the boy is screaming. The reader might think the sister is not conserned by the way she walked In. That does, how ever, Show that this might happen often. But you really need to explan that. Like a easy way to do that is to make her think "Oh no not again" And rush into the room. Also there was no deion of what was around her when she was sitting on the pourch, or about her friend. And in this paragraph..

“Because! You just want me to stand still while my little TWO year old brother is getting hurt!!!!” I shout back.

Should read:

"Because, You just want me to stand back while my Two year old brother suffers!" I shout back

See? It just needs some minor adjustment like so. Liek never use multiple punshuation all at one time. like "hurt!!!!" and when enphisizing a word don't capitilize it, Italisize it. Like "My two year old brother."

Other then all that stuff the plot is pretty good.

(p.s. a good ti
tle would be "Suiside of a young girl" or "Forever wanting death")

Ooooh. Those titles sound good. :)

Thanks. That's a lot. o.o

No problem. Feel free to critic my story.

www.zaofanclub.webs.com

I've done that a ton of times. I haven't changed my mind. :)

I luv it. <3

Suiside. Nice word.

So hi, like to say a few things: to make this more formal it would be wise to spell out numbers rather than use the actual figures (e.g. 'two' instead of '2'). Much more snazzy like that.Like kwinn said, a bit ofdeion wouldbe nice as it adds to the atmosphere. However you shouldn't rely totally on italics to get yourpoint across. There's no need to stress on some parts with italics or capitals, people can get your meaning just fine from the way you write.

Pace of this was short and brisk, I'd rather you flesh it out a bit with deions or something to slow it down.

With ti
tle, like I said before, it's something that should come as you do this. 'Suiside of a young girl' is just the initial impression we get from your work and unless that is all your story is about I don't think it really captures what this story would be about. So take your time with coming up titles c:

Thanks, Raru. Isn't suiside spelled with a 'c'?

Here's a tiny bit more:

I huffed and kept walking. As I kept walking down the road, no other car was coming. Just then, while I was looking down, I ran into a person. I stumbled backwards.

“Watch it!” the boy yelled. He looked to be 14; my age. He got up from the ground and pushed past me.

“What are you doing out here?” I shouted after him.

“Going home.” He angrily answered.

I turned back around and kept walking.

Again, the faint rumble of a car sounded up ahead. My head snapped up. But it was too late. The car was already right in front of me. I only had time to cover my face and cringe, getting ready for the blow. I felt the metal hit my legs.  My knees buckled and my head hit something hard.

I looked up at the grey sky as my vision blurred and grayed. I curled a bloody hand with the last energy I had and watched as the driver raced towards me; the sound of crying filling my ears.