Critique?


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Shaste

2:02am May 8 2011

Normal User


Posts: 1,338
Chapter 1:

“Wake up,” A voice pierced the silence of my bedroom. A sharp pain swept across my face. “Damn girl, I said to WAKE UP.” The voice growled in my face. 

“Tony, I’m up,” I said loudly, rubbing my cheek. He had hit me rather softly this morning, for that I was grateful. I pushed the covers off of my head, expecting to see Tony with a beer bottle. But, I didn’t; Tony wasn’t in my small room anymore. I sighed with relief. It was the first time in the past week he hadn’t stayed to make sure.

“Angela!” Tony’s voice bellowed from downstairs. “Hurry up and make my breakfast! I’m f***ing starving here!” 

“I’m coming, Tony!” I squeaked, knowing what would happen if I waited any long. I placed one finger on a small note on my desk. Tears welled up in my eyes as I read the words:

“Angela, my darling. 
I wish for you to know…
You are the dearest thing 
That has ever happened to me.
I want you to know, 
On today, your birthday, 
You were my one wish.
Love, Mom~”

Again, I tried to hold in my tears. I could recite these words by memory as easily as my ABC’s. But, every morning, I would read them… Remember her handwriting. One time, I even brought the paper to my face, as if I could get her scent one last time… I never would though. 

I crept down the stairs, practically running into the kitchen to start Tony’s breakfast. I looked in the cupboards, searching for any good breakfast foods. We had nothing; all we had resting in the cabinets were mustard, pickles, and some moldy bread.  I quickly peeked at the jar above the fridge, our grocery fund. Once again, though, the jar was completely empty. Unless you count the three lonely pennies resting on the bottom. 

“Tony…” I said quietly, still in the kitchen.  I didn’t want to enter the living room, for that was his ‘domain’ now. 

“I’m watching the T.V., Angela, what in the hell do you want?” The voice shouted from the living room. 

“Tony, we don’t have any food… What happened to the money above the fridge?” I said, my voice gaining slight confidence. 

“Sold it, I did. For my new flat screen! Come in and take a look!” 

Flat screen…. I thought. We can’t afford one of those! None-the-less food for money! I rushed to the living room, only to notice a 60” Flat screen resting on the wall. “Tony! How’d you afford that??” I said, dumbfounded at my step-father. 

“Sold all your mum’s old crap.” Tony said, scoffing at the thought of all her old things. “Like her wedding ring, man, didn’t that fetch me a small fortune!” 

Old wedding ring? I instantly thought. Panic swept over me immediately. But, that wedding ring was in a special box… In the floorboard… Right under my bed… How’d he find that?!?! My mouth dropped in an moment’s time. I rushed upstairs and pushed the bed sideways, sending it to crash in the wall. The floorboard was pried open, and left there. A small box lay on the ground next to it: empty. “Mum’s wedding ring… My cash… It’s all gone… All sold for a damn T.V!” I muttered these words to myself. If I knew anything, it was this: Tony. Will. Pay.

___

Well, please tell me what you think of my first chapter? :3
I don't know where I'm going with this story yet... Just a 'Go-With-The-Flow' thing. |D



NessieChiky13

2:21am May 8 2011

Normal User


Posts: 314

:) I like it. Really good writing, especially that part about her mom's handwriting, and the note. Very poetic. It kind of reminds me of.....mmm, give me a minute to remember the name. It's a friend's soon-to-be published novel....

Anyway, it starts similar to this.

Maybe add in a little deion of the characters? Like...I don't know, describe her while she's brushing her hair or something. Just add in a little bit to give the reader a mental picture of them.

Still, it's really good so far. Tell me when you add more?




I'M BACK!!! ...sorta. And now I'm in love with Jesse McCartney! He's hot.
NessieChiky13

2:21am May 8 2011

Normal User


Posts: 314

:) I like it. Really good writing, especially that part about her mom's handwriting, and the note. Very poetic. It kind of reminds me of.....mmm, give me a minute to remember the name. It's a friend's soon-to-be published novel....

Anyway, it starts similar to this.

Maybe add in a little deion of the characters? Like...I don't know, describe her while she's brushing her hair or something. Just add in a little bit to give the reader a mental picture of them.

Still, it's really good so far. Tell me when you add more?




I'M BACK!!! ...sorta. And now I'm in love with Jesse McCartney! He's hot.
bitowurd

10:26pm May 10 2011

Normal User


Posts: 121

Not bad.  Like Nessie pointed out, you're a little sparse in your deions.  It's all dialogue and action - she moves, she thinks, she talks.  A bit more context for the things around her and the atmosphere (is her house cramped or average, does the air smell good or like her step-father's unwashed t-shirts, does the linolium floor stick to her heels, is warm or cold, etc) would help.  Also, this part:

 

“Tony, we don’t have any food… What happened to the money above the fridge?” I said, my voice gaining slight confidence. 

“Sold it, I did. For my new flat screen! Come in and take a look!”
 

 

Made me think that Tony had sold the fridge, and not just blown all of the money.  So it should probably be 'spent it' rather than 'sold it'.  X3

And I gotta ask, with Tony announcing that he's sold everything, is that because he thinks she should be as happy about the new television as he is, or because he's gloating/reveling in her horror?  For his introduction, with the swearing and yelling, he seems violent, crass, and cruel.  But towards the end he comes across as being more hopelessly stupid than actively malevolent.

That said, keep going!




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