Critique my story, please ^_^


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BeckyL97

3:33pm Feb 25 2011 (last edited on 3:45pm Feb 25 2011)

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Posts: 2,052

Any comments and opinions are most welcome! Enjoy!

An Ancient Awakening

Many centuries ago, when prehistoric creatures roamed the four worlds, a young Haberisar named Cavie looked out upon the ravaged lands of Reiflem. Times had been hard at the time. There was little food on Reiflem besides the Reiflem Berries that grew on bushes here and there, and even the local citizens found them almost unbearably spicy. As a result, there were very few species that could live there. The Haberisar was, in fact, the ONLY creatu to live on Reiflem back then. Cavie's mother, Sanmii, bowed her head slightly and spoke to her son.

"Cavie, times have been too hard." she said. Cavie looked up at her, confused.

"I know. Times are very hard, mother." the young Haberisar said. "But why mention it now?" The elderly Haberisar smiled, weakly.

"I just know that in the future times will be so much better." she said. "With plentiful of food for all that live on this planet of fire. But now, there is nothing but lava and bare earth. That's why I have decided to hibernate, and I think you should do the same."

"What?" Cavie was worried. "What about my friends? Will everyone be okay? How long will we have to sleep for?"

"I'm afraid that we may have to sleep for centuries." Cavie's mother nudged her child. "I know that you must be frightened. This is the first time that you've hibernated. But I promise you, it will be as if no time has gone by at all. But things will be different when you awake." Cavie shakily nodded his head.

"I understand, mother." he said.

"Then come." His mother replied, beginning to walk in the direction of a cave. "We might as well begin our hibernation now." Cavie trotted after his mother, who's footsteps shook the ground. They went into the dark cave and closed their eyes. Cavie slipped into his deep sleep praying for a better, brighter, and peaceful future.

Many centuries later, Cavie opened his eyes. He yawned and stretched out his legs. While hibernating, he had grown into a strong adult Haberisar with incredibly strong armour. He crept over to the mouth of the cave and peered out upon Reiflem.

"My, how the world has changed!" he said, with awe and admiration. "I never imagined this!" Strange structures were dotted everywhere (they were houses, but he didn't know that) and many species of creatu around. There was a strange-looking creatu that looked like a young cat with wings that was playing with another of it's kind nearby. The two creatures spotted Cavie and pranced over to him.

"Hello, sir!" one said. It was a male and yellow all over with blue eyes. "My name's BlondeFlight, but everyone just calls me Flyer."

"And I'm VioletFlight." the second one, a female one with a cream body and pale purple wings. "You can call me Violet." Cavie bowed his head.

"Greetings, young ones." he said. "I hope you don't mind me asking, but what are you?" The male one looked confused.

"Don't you know?" Flyer said. "We're Otachies." Violet, who was younger than Flyer, nudged him.

"Don't be mean, Flyer." she said, turning to Cavie. "You must be a Haberisar! You must have been asleep for centuries. What do you think of Reiflem now?" Cavie looked around.

"I can't really give my judgement now. I've only just woken up, you see. I was hibernating with mother-" he broke off. "Mother!" A voice came from inside the cave.

"I'm fine, son." she said. "Who are these young creatures?"

The introductions were made. The two Haberisars and the two young Otachies became friends. But the world had changed, and Cavie and Sanmii's territory was populated by many other beings. Flyer and Violet were eager to help, and introduced them to Becky, their trusted friend and master. Becky wanted to help the two ancient creatus, but she only had the time and resources to take care of one. So she introduced them to a close friend, Taiko. Taiko was able to care for one of the Haberisars, and so she took Sanmii. Becky looked after Cavie, and they often visited Taiko and Sanmii. Finally, the Haberisars could live in peace.

 




Adopt one today!
Taiko

12:26pm Mar 2 2011

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Posts: 18

You've got vivid imagination, and as always I love your writing style ^^

Allthough I don't quite understand why dinosaurs would hibernate ._.




<3
BeckyL97

3:24pm Mar 2 2011

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Posts: 2,052
But it says in Haberisar's deion that they can hibernate for centuries! :-)



Adopt one today!
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