Fail Poetry Dx


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Twintkitty

2:26am Nov 7 2010 (last edited on 1:09am Nov 9 2010)

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Ohayder c: I've just came back to poetry. I know I suck D; It's been ages. But still.

 That Night (Freeverse)

 The silent night is as black as pitch,

 

A low , quiet sound heard.
An echo of remorse through the night.

Then a shattering cry,
As your fate walks on broken gla'ss,
A lone journey through the night.

“I’d rather hold on to a broken dream than to love,”
Remorseful words drift in the air,
A pitiful cry through the night.

A sudden silence after the one sentence said,
Blood streaming down his neck.
A soul escapes into the night.
 
 
... o_o; Okay , that was dramatic. But I had no inspiration D; 
 
8/11/10
 
Eclipse of the Heart [Freeverse]
 
 
A lively, red, beating heart is strong, you say?

Yes, I have to agree.
But as a darkness looms over the heart,
Everything changes.

Darkness doesn’t affect the heart at first,
Strong it stays , resistant it is.
But the heart will, like anything else,

Deteriorate.

The second stage of this eclipse,
Is where darkness allows the heart to argue with both sides,
Arguing yet agreeing,
For the both sides refers to the argumentative mind of the heart.

The last stage of this seemingly minor situation,
Is where darkness totally overcomes the heart.
And the heart slowly stops.

 

 
SerenityMist

2:40am Nov 7 2010 (last edited on 2:44am Nov 7 2010)

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It's a very depressing and dark sort of poem and as you said, dramatic, however I think it's good. It's deive, yet not overly deive where there is no imagination needed, giving you a glimpse of what happens yet letting you ponder over the exact moment, which gives a sense of mystery  :) Keep writing 
 
SerenityMist xx


"Imagine the things you could do, if you just let your imagination run wild" ~ SerenityMist ;) "OMGZ It's Serenity! NO-WAI!" (sayz you) --- YES-WAI :D I has posted in this thread ;) Feel Special. Am currently looking for a SILVER UILUS FOR KIR if you have one let me know :)
Twintkitty

2:47am Nov 7 2010

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Thanks for the critique, Serenity <3 That meant a lot.
Twintkitty

6:52am Nov 8 2010

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Added 'Eclipse of the Heart'. The last two stanzas seem quite awkward xD;
SerenityMist

9:52am Nov 8 2010

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"But the heart will, like any other person," ~ Heart isnt a person.. maybe change it to "But the heart will, like anything else"

 "Is where darkness totally overcomes the heart." I think you should take out totally 

And the last bit add "Reaching its black ending" or something like that

The second last verse (is that what its called? :S) is awkward but the last one isn't.. in my opinion anyway) 

It's an awesome poem though :) keep writing :D I like the way you describe.. death? im guessing? XD either way, i like it, its interesting :)

SerenityMist xx 



"Imagine the things you could do, if you just let your imagination run wild" ~ SerenityMist ;) "OMGZ It's Serenity! NO-WAI!" (sayz you) --- YES-WAI :D I has posted in this thread ;) Feel Special. Am currently looking for a SILVER UILUS FOR KIR if you have one let me know :)
Lauren10

7:21pm Nov 25 2010

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OMG this is so KWL I could just DIE.!!
Frogz

3:02pm Nov 28 2010

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Serenity, don't ask the poet to change their works. For example, when you said the heart isn't a person, I couldn't do anything but disagree. Personification is what I think is being used, in which it would be correct. Also, adding something like "Reaching the black ending" concludes the peice, yes, but, it leaves no wonder as the piece does without it. Critiqueing is suggestion not editing. I'm sorry but, Twint, I'd like you to change the way you like it and not to everyone else's liking. I enjoyed reading it, it gives me inspiration for my book. Keep it up!
-Frogz♀
SerenityMist

7:33am Nov 29 2010 (last edited on 8:44pm Dec 7 2010)

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Frogz, im not asking anyone to change what they have written but simply giving my opinion and saying what I would do. Twint can do whatever she wants, it is after all, her poem, my opinion may open up her eyes to something they never thought of before, which is why I express it.

When I said that the heart isn't a person, that is my opinion and mine alone, everyone has their own opinion and I was just expressing what I thought. I never said their use of language was incorrect, just that I personally wouldn't express it in that way. And saying "The heart slowly stops" in my opinion doesn't leave any wonder either... when a heart stops, it dies, and that's it. I was just adding extra to it because that is what popped up in my mind when reading the poem.



"Imagine the things you could do, if you just let your imagination run wild" ~ SerenityMist ;) "OMGZ It's Serenity! NO-WAI!" (sayz you) --- YES-WAI :D I has posted in this thread ;) Feel Special. Am currently looking for a SILVER UILUS FOR KIR if you have one let me know :)
Frogz

6:38pm Dec 5 2010

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I understand that and I'm just commenting using my literary knowledge. I have an OCD about opinions and stuff.
SerenityMist

3:27am Dec 6 2010

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Posts: 312

Obsessive-Compulsive disorder?

I'm glad you understand :) I was just making sure. And I don't really have that much literary Knowledge.. I mean I love to write but i'm only 15 years old so compared to many other people I probably do not know that much. 



"Imagine the things you could do, if you just let your imagination run wild" ~ SerenityMist ;) "OMGZ It's Serenity! NO-WAI!" (sayz you) --- YES-WAI :D I has posted in this thread ;) Feel Special. Am currently looking for a SILVER UILUS FOR KIR if you have one let me know :)
Twintkitty

8:06am Dec 7 2010

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 Please dont fight :C I thought that Misteh's contribution/idea was great so I used it . And im a she lol <3
SerenityMist

8:47pm Dec 7 2010

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Posts: 312

haha XD I fixed my post that refers to you XD 

and thanks :)

Dw we aren't fighting, we are just having a discussion over our different opinions :D 



"Imagine the things you could do, if you just let your imagination run wild" ~ SerenityMist ;) "OMGZ It's Serenity! NO-WAI!" (sayz you) --- YES-WAI :D I has posted in this thread ;) Feel Special. Am currently looking for a SILVER UILUS FOR KIR if you have one let me know :)
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