Help me with Character Design?


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Jess

11:00pm Mar 8 2013 (last edited on 12:40am Mar 9 2013)

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Posts: 995
So, I'm working on a character for this:
 
This pet is an Aywas Melo. But I'm trying to win it in a design contest. The pet is based of an Australian joke, called a Drop bear. So if you know anything about them, let me know please. Maybe I can work some of it into the story. c:
Now, I don't need art, but I want some...just can't draw.
ANYWAY, in the desc[injection]ription of the  character, you'll notice it'll look a bit different like eye color and stuff. Don't worry.
The person hosting the contest will change the pet to look like the design we talk about.
So anyway. Here's what I have so far. And a little story. Please! Don't hesitate to tell me, it's bad and needs more to it.
Critique me. That's what I want. Please and thank you.
Don't just say 'This is horrible!' Give me pointers, and I'm a little sensitive...I cry easily |D if you can, please don't be too harsh...
Here's the stuff:
The character is a Skinwalker, which is a supernatural human being, in Native American legend, that can transform into any animal they want. They can be wearing a fur of the animal they turn into, but I didn't want that, I'd like for him to transform into any animal. Gives the character more depth, I think. Not more god like.

Name: Catori, Native American name, Meaning Spirit
Appearance: A Natural brown color fur, and ice-y blue eyes. Reddish marks here and there from battle wounds. Wears the bones of his ancestors. Around his neck, is the fang of a wolf, he used to call his best friend. That was until he was killed, by hunters.His fur around his paws and ankles are a soft creamy white color.
Human: Dark tan skin, white markings around his ankles, wrist, and forearms. Dark brown hair, that he puts into braids. Wears a brown, white, and red vest, and brown pants with red and white marks. Hawk feathers tied to the two, hanging down. He walks barefooted everywhere.
Age: Thousands of years old
Personality: Hostile and aggressive. If you're anywhere near his land, he isn't afraid to chase after you, especially if you step foot onto his ruins, the place where his family once lived. He is especially aggressive when it comes to hunters and poachers. Since his best friend was killed by them, since they wanted his fur to sell.
His most treasured item is the wolf fang that hangs around his neck. It belonged to the wolf he had become best friends with. He guessed that when the wolf tried to fight off the hunters, the man hit him in the face with the handle of his gun, causing this one fang to come out. He keeps it to remember him.


Story:
"What was that?" asked a young woman as she looked around, nervously. "It was nothing baby. Go to bed." answered the young man who was with her. "But, honey-" "It. Was nothing." he said again as he turned over onto his side. She frowned as she wiggled further into her sleeping bag, closing her eyes. After a couple of minutes her eyes shot open, having heard something. Her eyes widen as she came face to face with a large wolf. Her eyes teared up, lip quivering, before she let out a blood curdling scream. The man jumped when he heard the shriek and looked over. His own eyes widen as he looked at the wolf that stood over his girlfriend.

He gasped as he grabbed the girl and quickly got up, with her in his arms. "Let's go!" he yelled as he took off running. The wolf following after him, snarling and growling, keeping up perfectly and flawlessly. He nipped at the man's feet, causing the man to hop over him and keep running, the girl clinging to him, crying. The wolf stopped running once the humans stepped foot off of his ground. He huffed as he transformed. He slowly walked back to where the humans were staying, making sure there was nothing wrong with the land. His red eyes glared at where the people had been laying. He picked up the sleeping bags and threw them away, huffing. He closed his eyes as he sat down on the ground, bringing his shoeless feet to himself.



ShadowChaser

11:49pm Mar 8 2013

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Posts: 13
To be able to transform they usually need the pelt of the animal but it is not considered necessary so if you do not want him to need a skin that is okay.
In the deion section it would be best to start with "His skin is", "His fur is" or "He is hostile".

"If you're anywhere near his land, he isn't afraid to chase after you, especially if you step foot onto his ruins, the place where his family once lived."
This sentence should probably be broken up so that there are not as many commas. A little like this.
"If you are anywhere near his land he will not hesitate to chase after you. He is even more likely to chase you if you set foot into the ruins where his family once lived."

With the story I personally think that it should be set a little more like novels;

"What was that?" a young woman as she looked around nervously.
"It was nothing baby. Go to bed." answered the young man who was with her.
"But, honey-"
"It. Was nothing." he said again as he turned over onto his side. 
She frowned as she wiggled further into her sleeping bag, closing her eyes. After a couple of minutes her eyes shot open, having heard something. Her eyes widen as she came face to face with a large wolf. Her eyes teared up, lip quivering, before she let out a blood curdling scream. The man jumped when he heard the shriek and looked over. His own eyes widen as he looked at the wolf that stood over his girlfriend.

But that is more of a personal preference of mine.
I also noticed a few misspellings and odd fragments that I could fix for you if you would like. ^_^

Jess

11:59pm Mar 8 2013

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Posts: 995
c: Thank you for the help. <3 :D And sure you may fix it if you'd like ;3; You don't have to if you don't want to.



ShadowChaser

12:02am Mar 9 2013

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Posts: 13
*Sqwees in delight* Kay!
ShadowChaser

1:22am Mar 9 2013 (last edited on 1:27am Mar 9 2013)

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Posts: 13
I will just post this here for you to get to then go to sleep for the night because it is 12;30 here right now.

Name: Catori, Native American name, Meaning Spirit

Appearance: His fur is a natural brown color with reddish marks here and there from battle wounds. The fur around his paws and ankles are a soft creamy white color and his eyes are an icy blue color. He wears the bones of his ancestors and around his neck is the fang of a wolf that he used to call his best friend. That was until the wolf was killed by hunters.

Human: He has dark tan skin with white markings around his ankles, wrist, and forearms. He has dark brown hair that he puts into braids. He wears a brown, white, and red vest, and brown pants with red and white marks. Hawk feathers are tied to his cloths here and there. He walks barefooted everywhere. (Why barefoot? Are they uncomfortable? do they make it hard to transform? Does he like to feel the ground?)

Age: Thousands of years old

Personality: He is hostile and aggressive. If you are anywhere near his land he will not hesitate to chase after you. He is even more likely to chase you if you set foot into the ruins where his family once lived. He is especially aggressive when it comes to hunters and poachers. Since his best friend was killed by a hunter that wanted to sell the wolfs fur.
His most treasured item is the wolf fang that hangs around his neck. It belonged to the wolf he had become best friends with. He had guessed that when the wolf tried to fight off the hunters one of the humans had hit him in the face with the handle of his gun, knocking this fang out. He keeps the fang to remember the wolf. 


Story:

"What was that?" a young woman asked looking around, nervously.
"It was nothing baby. Go to bed." the young man who was with her replied.
"But, honey-"
"It was nothing," he said again as he turned over onto his side.
She frowned as she wiggled further into her sleeping bag and closed her eyes. After a couple of minutes her eyes shot open she had heard something again. Her eyes widened as she found herself face to face with a large wolf. As it stared menacingly at her her eyes teared up and her lip quivered. It blinked its strange, lightless eyes and the girl suddenly let out a blood curdling scream. The man jumped when he heard the shriek and looked over. His own eyes widened as he saw the wolf looming ominously over his girlfriend. He gasped and grabbed the girl and leapt to his feet holding her securely in his arms.
"Let's go!" he yelled as he took off running.
The wolf chased after them, snarling and growling, keeping up effortlessly and flawlessly. Suddenly the wolf nipped at the man's feet, forcing the him to hop over him to escape this danger that had found them as they slept. The girl was clinging to her boyfriend, crying hysterically as they made their escape. The wolf stopped running once the humans had left the area that he had claimed as his territory and huffed as he transformed. (Into his human form?)
He walked slowly back to where the humans had been staying, carefully checking to make sure that there was nothing wrong with the land. He glared at the place that the people had been laying, his icy blue eyes glowing slightly in the moonlight. He picked up the sleeping bags and threw them away with an irritated huff. Then he closed his eyes as he sat down on the ground, bringing his shoeless feet to himself. 

There was one major thing in the last paragraph that I had to adjust. You used "His red eyes glared at where" you only mentioned him having "ice-y blue eyes". I did some research on skin walkers eyes and found that while the eye color is not the same from walker to walker the eye color does not change on an individual.
The eyes do not glow like most animals when they are transformed but when they are human their eyes glow like an animals so I tried to make the proper adjustments to that. Other than a few other edits here and there I think it is a great idea and I hope you win the contest hun. ^_^
Jess

1:40am Mar 9 2013

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Posts: 995
OH YES. Thank you I forgot I changed his eye color from red to Icy blue because I wanted something that went well with the brown and not use red. Thank you.xD



Kittykat

1:44am Mar 9 2013 (last edited on 1:45am Mar 9 2013)

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Posts: 1,477
Omg it's a koala *0* <3
EDIT: Good luck in ze contest <3



ShadowChaser

10:23pm Mar 9 2013

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Posts: 13
No problem. ^_^
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