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Oh, look! Another Story... (Maybe) lol

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Smuh	3:01am Nov 13 2011 (last edited on 3:05am Nov 13 2011)
Normal User Posts: 479	If I was still alive, I could tell Mia not to listen to Erin. Not to go in that house. But she can't hear me anymore, and I am helpless to stop her. I try one more time to get her attention, even though I know it's useless. "MIA!" I try to grab her arm, but my hand goes right through it. I watch her step into the mistake that I made less than two days ago. Da.mmit. I'd be crying right now if I still had that ability. I've never liked to feel helpless or not be able to help my friends. And now Mia was going to die and I couldn't do a da.mn thing about it.
Sueno	12:28am Nov 14 2011
Normal User Posts: 30	I like this beginning bit~ something about it gnaws at me though, I've pinpointed it to all the "I"'s contained within these two paragraphs. Also the use of helpless~ it's probably our writing style differences that makes this sentence seem odd to me: " ....I've never liked to feel helpless or not be able to help my friends......" I would probably go with something more like: " ....I've never liked feeling helpless or unable to help my friends......" Backtracking a little bit I think the beginning of the second paragraph would flow better if it were: " .... "Mia !" I tried to grab her arm, but my hand passed right through it. I watched as she stepped into the same mistake I'd made less than two days before...." The way you have it written is just fine, but for me it would flow better this way because I feel it fits better with the fact that in the first sentence of the first paragraph you used the term "was" which is usually implies past tense~ which is the case here. Also I would suggest changing "was" to "were" in the opening sentence. Like I said before though, I do like this story so far~ hope you don't take anything I've said negatively, and that it's at least somewhat helpful, if any of it makes sense that is XD
GreenKat	4:37pm Nov 25 2011
Normal User Posts: 3,163	If I was still alive, I could tell Mia not to listen to Erin. I could tell her not to go in that house. But she can't hear me anymore, and I lack the ability to stop her. I look at her and realize that she's going where I died. I try to get her attention, even though I know it's useless. "MIA!" I try to grab her arm, but my hand passes right through it. I watch her step into the same mistake I'd made less than two days ago. Da.mmit. I'd be crying right now if I still had that ability. I've never liked feeling helpless or being unable to help my friends. And now Mia was going to die and I couldn't do a da.mn thing about it. Your corrected story. I tried to keep it in the present tense like you had typed it up as.

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