Yep, on my profile, I have a story and I want your opinion on it :) You know to help me make it better.

 

Here is the story:

You are wlking home one day and find a mysterious path. It wasnt there earlier, you thought. You decide to take it to see where it leads.
About 15 minutes later, you come upon a crooked cobble stone street leading up to a makeshift castle upon a hill. The moon shines bright behind it and as you check the sides of the walkway, you notice that one dreadful mistake and you'll plunder into the abyss of darkness.
You walk up slowly, cautiously. You stop at the houses at the bottom to see where you are at. "Mutant Castle", they all tell you. How could I live so close to something and never had heard of it, you thought. You walk up to the castle doorway and you use the goblin head-shaped knocker. A lanky, skinny butler with eyes sunk deep into his skull pulls back the door and answers in a slow, moaning tone, "Yes?"
"Where am I," you ask.
"Why, how could you not know where you are at," he replies. "Everyone in the world knows what the place is! You live a road away and you do not know?"
"No," is all your response contains. You want to ask the gruesome butler how he knew where you lived, but he cuts you off.
"You are at Mutant Castle," he shouts, his voice getting higher as he talks, "Where everything and everyone lives as a mutant."
Something falls on you and you fall to the ground unconscious, or so you thought. You wake up the next morning and tell your mother and ask her if she has ever heard of Mutant Castle.
"No," she replies. "Why do you ask?"
"Because I was told that everyone knew of Mutant Castle."
You go to check the path later that day and it is gone! You have a quick flashback of last night...Something that you dont remember, you try to think of it harder but it doesn't come. Until later that night.
Like an old video playing in your head, you see yourself get up after getting hit, and you asked the butler, "Why hadn't I ever heard of Mutant Castle?"
The butler chuckled to himself. Strange, you thought. "You've never heard of it," he started to cackle out loud now,"because it doesn't exist!"
You turn to leave and see hundreds of glowing eyes looking at you. The mutated jaakus evaporate into thin air as the mutant ebilias scamper away under the houses...You feel like you are being followed and you ask yourself, do I dare turn around? You take one look back and you see a mutant ebilia charging toward you! In a shocking moment of terror, you run but after a few steps, they grow farther apart and you miss one and start to fall. I'm a goner, you thought.

Then, you remember waking up. Am I alive, you ask yourself. Yes so it seems but Im very sore you replied to your question as you wake up rubbing your back and sore muscles.

Sequel:

1 year later

  You are walking down the same path to your house. Days after you found Mutant Castle, you pondered about it, day, night, and in your dreams. But now, you can't even remember the major details of the mansion and conversation. Until you see the path. It is open again. You know it looks familiar but you can quite remember it so you decide to follow the path again.
  15 minutes later, you come upon the castle. Why does this place look vaguely familiar, you ask yourself.
  You walk up the houses surrounding the base of the hill upon which held the castle. You knock on the doors and ask where you were and they all had said "You have grown a lot since yesterday but if that bag of bricks that those pathetic construction workers dropped on your head yesterday made such an impact, then I will tell you. You are at..."
  "Mutant Castle," he interrupted, astonished. "But i had not been here in over a year! How has it been just yesterday," you asked them.
  They just give you a strange look, turn away, and shut the door.
  You walk up to the castle and use the goblin head-shaped knocker and the strange old butler opens the door and answers, "How have you been? We knew you would come back," he looks at you pleasingly."Our master has been expecting your arrival." The butler guides you up a massive set of stairs.
  "Who is your master, if you dont mind me asking," you ask.
  "Our master is one of a kind," he says in a strange tone that makes you feel unease. He opens a door and you gaze upon a creature with a hat covering his face, with a mask on his hat, and a grinning mask covering his mouth and chin.
"Im a man of many wonders, my dear child," he says. "But most call me Relentless." The man sitting behind the desk looks up and glares at you with piercing red eyes. He stands up and you see his bones as he starts rattling toward you.

Ill edit ^_^ 

Dont be afraid to give opinions and advice lD

Corrections and general advice:
You are walking home one day ('one day' suggest this should be in the past tense) and find a mysterious path. 'It wasn't there
earlier' you thought. (actually rephrase this whole sentence, it's really awkward) You decide to take it to see where it leads.

 About 15 minutes later, you come upon a crooked cobble stone street
leading up to a makeshift castle (describe) upon a hill. The moon shines bright
behind it and as you check the sides of the walkway. You notice that with one
 dreadful mistake, you would have plundered into the abyss of darkness (describe? A hole or something? Cliff edge? It's vague and seems irrelevant).

You walk towards the castle slowly and cautiously. You stop at the houses at the bottom of the hill to
see where you are at (you never mentioned the houses earlier, seems random). "Mutant Castle", they all tell you (the houses tell you?). How could I
live so close to something and never had heard of it, you thought. You
walk up to the castle doorway and you use the goblin head-shaped
knocker (the pace is really iffy). A lanky, skinny butler with eyes sunk deep into his skull pulls
 back the door and answers in a slow, moaning tone, "Yes?"
"Where am I?" you ask.

  "Why, how could you not know where you are at? (reprase, iffy)" he replies. "Everyone
in the world knows what this place is! You live a road away and you do
not know?"
"No," is all your response contains. You want to ask the gruesome butler how he knew where you lived, but he cuts you off.

  "You are at Mutant Castle," he shouts, his voice getting higher as he
talks, "Where everything and everyone lives as a mutant."

Something falls (from the sky?) on you and you fall to the ground unconscious, or so you
 thought (how could you think you're unconcious?). You wake up the next morning, tell your mother (about what you saw?) and ask her
if she has ever heard of Mutant Castle.
"No," she replies. "Why do you ask?"
"Because I was told that everyone knew of Mutant Castle."

  You go to check the path later that day and it is gone! You have a
quick flashback of last night...(<-I hate elipsis. It's just a personal thing though)Something that you don't remember, you
try to think of it harder but it doesn't come. Until later that night.

  Like an old video playing in your head, you see yourself get up after
getting hit, and you asked the butler, "Why hadn't I ever heard of
Mutant Castle?"
The butler chuckled to himself. Strange, you
thought. "You've never heard of it," he started to cackle out loud
now,"because it doesn't exist!"
You turn to leave and see hundreds of
 glowing eyes looking at you. The (I would get rid of every 'the' in this sentence if I were you) mutated jaakus (you never mentioned before so it's like they're there and they just immediately dissapear) evaporate into thin air
 as the mutant ebilias scamper away under the houses...(<-ELIPSIS)You feel like you
 are being followed and you ask yourself, do I dare turn around? You
take one look back and you see a mutant ebilia charging toward you! In a
 shocking moment of terror, you run but after a few steps, they (they? There's only one ebilia) grow
farther apart and you miss one (miss what?) and start to fall. I'm a goner, you
thought.

Then, you remember waking up. 'Am I alive?' you ask
yourself. 'Yes, so it seems but I'm very sore' you replied to your question
as you wake up rubbing your back and sore muscles.

Pretty much I think that it's rather plain ; not much describing words and such. Few details that make a few things out of place, the general idea is nice though :v