Story Time! ( readysetclick!) Critique thanked and praise loved and wanting more makes me overjoyed


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GreenKat

8:21am Nov 23 2011

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Prologue 1


"Dad?"Sandy said. " Is Mom going to be okay?" " I- I don't know," Dad confessed." Ever since she- I've been wondering. I don't even know where she is anymore." "I'm scared, Dad." I said. " I am too, Mandy." Dad said. " Could you read us a bedtime story?" Henry, the youngest said. We all gasped.
" No!" I said in unison with my Dad. Henry started to cry. " Dad,Mandy, look what you did!" Sandy said as she pulled out the book. " The Book of Wonders," She said as she opened it and began to read. " Once upon a time, in an exotic rainforest," she said as the book started vibrating. We waited and waited for the story to end, all the time knowing of the dreadful ending. The book glowed a brilliant green and Sandy stopped reading.
She had a shocked ex
pression on her face. " Mom?" she said. ' Is that yo-" The book grew wide and sucked Sandy inside. Now there were two people missing.




Whadaya think?



GreenKat

7:19pm Nov 23 2011

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bump



GreenKat

4:30pm Nov 25 2011

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GreenKat

3:44pm Nov 28 2011

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GreenKat

7:32pm Dec 1 2011

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any1?



GreenKat

7:35am Dec 3 2011

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Dartmith

10:55pm Dec 3 2011

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As I read the semi-paragraph I loved the concept but once it ended I didn't what anyone looked like, what their feeling were, where they were, and what the placed looked like. I was left wonder so many things that should have been placed into that first paragraph.

For the writing part og the story you might might want to concider putting more detail into it. Describe the room and the people, use the five sences. Descrptions really bring a story to life and makes it more interesting.

Also you should try formating it once you add detail(if you add detail) because it..well to be truthfull it just buggs me.

 




GreenKat

7:51am Dec 4 2011

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Thanks for the input, but a this is the prologue, I meant for it to be mysterious. I'll make sure the first chapter includes all that good stuff.



Dartmith

9:51pm Dec 4 2011

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Have you ever concidered that maybe putting erie detail into your story might make it mysterious instead of leaving your reader wondering things that that should be the writers first items to acomplish in a story. I under stad that this only a prologue but even prologues have detail in them Green.



GreenKat

6:38pm Dec 5 2011

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Posts: 3,163
Yes, I have considered that, but no worries. If I get enough response I WILL WRITE THE FIRST CHAPTER DESCRIBING THAT FATEFUL DAY. Sorry, It went all caps on me for some reason. Hmph.



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