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The Dying's Cart

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SquirtleKatelyn	9:33am Mar 20 2011
Normal User Posts: 27	Purple skin tinged with blue Open bodies without a clue Ripped and beaten, torn apart Left upon the dying's cart Green eyes tainted red Empty corpses without a head Banged and bruised across the land Scared faces with one hand Black inside with ivory streaks Back and forth, a red leak Screaming silence with no sound Broken people who can't be found I guess I just felt like sharing that. Haha. Critique, I guess? It'd be greatly appreciated. �
Arrow	10:08am Mar 20 2011
Normal User Posts: 3,828	I like the rhyming scheme you have going on, but there was one flaw that really stopped the flow in the poem. I think you should switch around "Back and forth, a red leak." It truly does not flow with the rest of the poem. It goes from 8 syllables to 6 syllables. That's not too bad, but it just doesn't match up well. I suggest that you say the poem out loud a few times to make sure the feel and flow is right. That's what I do. 8) But yeah, it's really good. <3 Black inside with ivory streaks Back and forth, a red leak hello my name is elder price
SquirtleKatelyn	10:51am Mar 20 2011
Normal User Posts: 27	Actually, I noticed that. I've been thinking of ways to fix it. Haha. Thank you though. I appreciate your in-put. I'm actually really glad I'm not the only one who noticed that. �
Arrow	1:58pm Mar 20 2011
Normal User Posts: 3,828	No problem. ^^; I'm a poet/writer myself and I love to help others out. <3 hello my name is elder price
SquirtleKatelyn	10:57pm Mar 28 2011
Normal User Posts: 27	Bump. ^-^ �
Reddaysi	2:05pm Apr 23 2011 (last edited on 2:05pm Apr 23 2011)
Normal User Posts: 251	How is this so amazing? ;u; It's TOO amazing. <3
SquirtleKatelyn	4:46pm Apr 24 2011
Normal User Posts: 27	Thanks, Daisy. <3333 �

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