|
1:11pm Sep 30 2009
|
Normal User
Posts: 533
|
Is this writing good enough for a book? (Its not finished yet) http://zaofanclub.webs.com/ |
|
2:32pm Sep 30 2009
|
Normal User
Posts: 1,731
|
It's a good start for a story You have some grammatical errors, though, and mix up of tenses. But those are all things that can be fixed over time. All I can say is the more you write, the more you will improve. Good job. c: |
|
2:35pm Sep 30 2009
|
Normal User
Posts: 533
|
Wow, thank you. c:
|
|
2:40pm Sep 30 2009
|
Normal User
Posts: 2,721
|
You over used the word barked. Sorry if this sounds a bit cold, but I couldn't get into it. After the first chapter, well I stopped there. I'd suggest you extend the action scenes, like when he killed the elk. It went by too fast. Try walking in your characters shoes, how would you react to killing the elk? Ask yourself questions along the way.
I\'m back.
|
|
2:43pm Sep 30 2009
|
Normal User
Posts: 533
|
You over used the word barked. Sorry if this sounds a bit cold, but I couldn't get into it. After the first chapter, well I stopped there. I'd suggest you extend the action scenes, like when he killed the elk. It went by too fast. Try walking in your characters shoes, how would you react to killing the elk? Ask yourself questions along the way. ---- I know i kinda overused barked but thats like said in this book. The next chapter is alot better you should read it. I do have some things to fix up but i think its pretty good. |
|
2:50pm Sep 30 2009
|
Normal User
Posts: 2,721
|
I don't use the word said much, I use squeled, bellowed, echoed, remarked, cooed, and occasionaly gabbed. Maybe I couldn't read further because I'm more into super fantasy books. May Bird, now that's a great fantasy. I cried reading it and I don't cry that easily. I also laughed at some points. I like stories that pry my emotions out of me. It's easy for a movie to do such, but you know you're a great writer when your readers are crying and laughing along with the charracters.
I\'m back.
|
|
3:04pm Sep 30 2009
|
Normal User
Posts: 533
|
I don't use the word said much, I use squeled, bellowed, echoed, remarked, cooed, and occasionaly gabbed. Maybe I couldn't read further because I'm more into super fantasy books. May Bird, now that's a great fantasy. I cried reading it and I don't cry that easily. I also laughed at some points. I like stories that pry my emotions out of me. It's easy for a movie to do such, but you know you're a great writer when your readers are crying and laughing along with the charracters. ---- It is going to be a fanitsy. The next chapter he finds out that hes a demon. and he can move the elements with out touching them. Thats why his real perrents didn't keep him. and why the tag on his baby blacket said "demon" |
|
3:08pm Sep 30 2009
|
Normal User
Posts: 1,731
|
If I shall add one more point of input... I have to say I agree with Kate about the length. I didn't read all of it, just the first chapter or so, but extending the length of certain parts is always a good idea. If he's finding all that out in just the second chapter (and the first chapter is short), that seems a bit rushed to me. Filling in more moments with depth and detail, maybe even having him go to different places beforehand. Though, I'm not one to tell you how fast or slow the pace of a book should go. It's just my opinion. c: |
|
3:16pm Sep 30 2009
|
Normal User
Posts: 2,721
|
Hrm. Yeah, but I must say Skull/Kwinn, I admire your determination. Tell me, do you happen to be a Capricorn?
I\'m back.
|
|
3:27pm Sep 30 2009
|
Normal User
Posts: 533
|
If I shall add one more point of input... I have to say I agree with Kate about the length. I didn't read all of it, just the first chapter or so, but extending the length of certain parts is always a good idea. If he's finding all that out in just the second chapter (and the first chapter is short), that seems a bit rushed to me. Filling in more moments with depth and detail, maybe even having him go to different places beforehand. Though, I'm not one to tell you how fast or slow the pace of a book should go. It's just my opinion. c: --- Yeah i not saying any of you are wrong. I do need to leghthn some parts. No....I'm a gemini |
|
3:33pm Sep 30 2009
|
Normal User
Posts: 2,721
|
Aww, I'm a Cappi. I don't get along with the typical Gemmi. I love Virgos to death though. I ask because Cappis are very determined, and we goats don't stop 'till we get to the top of the mountain. As for your writing, I think it would appeal to certain people, you just have to find the right crowd.
I\'m back.
|
|
3:39pm Sep 30 2009
|
Normal User
Posts: 533
|
Aww, I'm a Cappi. I don't get along with the typical Gemmi. I love Virgos to death though. I ask because Cappis are very determined, and we goats don't stop 'till we get to the top of the mountain. As for your writing, I think it would appeal to certain people, you just have to find the right crowd. ---- I hate being a gemini. Because i don't get a awesome animal and i don't have a twin. :c
|
|
4:02pm Sep 30 2009
|
Normal User
Posts: 2,721
|
I don't really judge signs by their looks, but instead by personality.
I\'m back.
|
|
1:18pm Oct 1 2009 (last edited on 1:19pm Oct 1 2009)
|
Normal User
Posts: 923
|
you seem to use the word barked way to much, try some other word to explain them talking back to eachother. also there was quite a few grammar errors aswell. lastly when Zao killed the elk, it wouldent be that easy to just jump from bushes and dig a knife into its back. a pack of wolves cannot even kill an elk that easily. elk can also smell your scent on the wind depends on which way the wind and you are positioned. and even if you did put a knife into its back, it still would put up a big fight. so put a little more detail and research into elk and their behavior*smiles*
updating
|
|
3:49pm Oct 1 2009 (last edited on 4:00pm Oct 1 2009)
|
Normal User
Posts: 533
|
you seem to use the word barked way to much, try some other word to explain them talking back to eachother. also there was quite a few grammar errors aswell. lastly when Zao killed the elk, it wouldent be that easy to just jump from bushes and dig a knife into its back. a pack of wolves cannot even kill an elk that easily. elk can also smell your scent on the wind depends on which way the wind and you are positioned. and even if you did put a knife into its back, it still would put up a big fight. so put a little more detail and research into elk and their behavior*smiles* ---- I fixed the elk hunt and the barking. now where excactly is the grammer problems? |
|
3:53pm Oct 1 2009
|
Normal User
Posts: 2,721
|
Thanks a bunch Skull, now ya got me writing a story, tehe. ;3
I\'m back.
|
|
4:20pm Oct 1 2009
|
Normal User
Posts: 2,440
|
I didnt like it. at all. Personally I got extremely bored and couldnt finish even the first chapter. Im not saying its terrible but its bad. I found five grammar mistakes in the first little paragraph. And more. Also it seems like a list of events, more then a story EX: ((just an example)) He ate an apple. Then he ran through the place. Then he did this. Then he did that. ....A bit annoying if you ask me. Also you might want to detail the Scene a bit. Was it summer? fall? winter? Spring? was it cold? warm? was he tired? awake? happy? sad? mad? And it seems like you wrote it in about 2 hours or less. Most stories take years to write and even then sometimes dont get published. I just suggest you work on it Alot more.
Click please<3
|
|
4:39pm Oct 1 2009 (last edited on 4:41pm Oct 1 2009)
|
Normal User
Posts: 533
|
I didnt like it. at all. Personally I got extremely bored and couldnt finish even the first chapter. Im not saying its terrible but its bad. I found five grammar mistakes in the first little paragraph. And more. Also it seems like a list of events, more then a story EX: ((just an example)) He ate an apple. Then he ran through the place. Then he did this. Then he did that. ....A bit annoying if you ask me. Also you might want to detail the Scene a bit. Was it summer? fall? winter? Spring? was it cold? warm? was he tired? awake? happy? sad? mad? And it seems like you wrote it in about 2 hours or less. Most stories take years to write and even then sometimes dont get published. I just suggest you work on it Alot more. --- :c I worked for weeks on those two chapters. And before you comment read the WHOLE thing. how can you judge all of it when youve only read a ity bity bit? Read it all then come back. |
|
5:00pm Oct 1 2009
|
Normal User
Posts: 2,440
|
I think if I read through it all my brain would explode. Sorry, but the grammar kills my eyes. And it's very very much just like a list of events as I pointed out.
Click please<3
|
|
5:20pm Oct 1 2009
|
Normal User
Posts: 533
|
I think if I read through it all my brain would explode. Sorry, but the grammar kills my eyes. And it's very very much just like a list of events as I pointed out. --- Okay, but its not you book its mine. and i like the layout of it. |
|
