{No name for it......Yet....}


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unspoken

5:30pm Dec 15 2009

Normal User


Posts: 97

So..I was playing this vampire game. As I was playing it, I thought this'd make a good story! I think this a prolouge.....I'm not sure. Oh, I also need some help. I'm not a fan of 3 rd person writings. So should I be the girl or the girls little sister?????   So....... Here it is:

 She moved lithely. Her red-brown curls danced on her shoulders as she attacked with precise accuracy. Her eyes were red with blood lust. Her pale hands were curled claws at her sides. She lightly moved out of the way within seconds when it tried to attack. Her light pink lips were curled back, into a snarl that showed fangs. The snarl interrupted the pure beauty of her pale face. She reached for it, wrapping one of her pale hands around its arm and the other around its neck. Her snarl turned into a smile of pure victory. The tendons of her left hand, the one around the monsters neck, popped out of her pale skin as she tightened her grip.  A small pop came from under hand. Its head fell limp and paler. Its wrist dropped. She let go of its wrist and lunged it aside. 

As she turned away, another of the first ones kind threw itself at her. She spun around just before the body would have slammed into her. She stuck her forearm out and the creature knocked into it. She picked it up and tossed it into the brick wall. It landed with a thud against the wall. As it slid down, it let out a howl. If she was less skilled, this alarm would have turned her blood cold.  She was over to it in a split second and she pinched its neck. Its eyes rolled back into its head. Standing up, she scouted around for any others. She spun to the wall and wrote her name out; her little trademark of victory.

 

Dustfeather

6:55pm Dec 15 2009

Normal User


Posts: 4,093
You should connect some of the sentences there. ^^; Like, use commas and such. The sentences are too short and don't flow. Maybe also start less sentences with 'She' and 'Her'.
Oh yeah, other than that, the sentence 'Lunged it aside' doesn't make sense. x3

As for the girl/girl's little sister thing, I don't even know what the plot is so I can't help you there.






Dustfeather -> Sparrow -> Universe
unspoken

8:19am Dec 17 2009

Normal User


Posts: 97

Thanks. XP

....Hmm....I don't either. X( ...Hmmmmmmm.....

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