...Is this the story you were talking about? c: If not, then I'll just review anyways xD
Erm, sorry if it's a bit harsh or useless D8
“Why… why are you here? What do you want with me?”
I don't like this line being first. The mood it generates is rather cliche. Personally, I think stories with heavier moods like this one would actually be better starting with deion rather than with someone talking. It also gives a better indication of the tone of speech if you give deions of the current setting in my opinion. because imagine that line:
a) Lone car in park. Wet with the mist of the soon-to-come dawn and heavy showers. The only sound is the swish of window wipers and the ragged breathing of a girl, wracked with suspense.
b) A man stands in his office, confronted bya group of heavily armed thugs and a man he thought he would never see again. He's scared and can't understand why that man won't die.
c) A young japanese school girl is pulled away from the party by an enigmatic but oh-so-handome-that-he-could-possibly-be-a-girl-in-disguise cl*censored*mate. She is surprised because she didn't think he'd know her six-year-old cousin was having a birthday nor would a man who keeps being so mean to her at school would even be so strange as to pull her away from the party without a word. Cue cherry blossoms.
I think...I just went overboard there |D Pardon me, I have writer's block.
But that' why I like deion in front. And cherry blossoms. I think it would be better to move it below the paragraph below it.
Yeah, I think that's the only specific detail I'd like to point out. The rest would just summarise your whole work.
One of the things I'd disagree with, but it's more of a personal taste, is your choice of words. It's good you do use a nice selection of words but again phonetically, it's quite long-winded and again doesn't suit it sort of. Like I said (I say this about everything don't I? xD ) It's more of a personal preference I think because that's how I've always been about words.
and I hate the word growl now o___o; I blame some really bad writers. I'm sorry.
Now for your gooooaaal.
I will speak as a person who knows nothing about this fandom except what I've learnt from stalking the occasional glances at my friends' profiles and the first ten minutes of that transformers movie that I need to finish 8D
Plot-wise, it would be relatively easy to follow and I'm sure most people would get the gist. But again, it feels awkward at parts. I think it's sort of hard to pull off girl-talking-to-inanimate-objectand for me, it feel awkward. Speech-wise and overall imagining the mood and emotions that happen with the car. Sometimes the car's response to Ayre seems too heavily suggested and I think unless I know a lot about transformers, it'll seem hard to grasp? xD
I'll stop nitpicking now. Overall, good start c: I'm sure people would follow along this easily. I keep imagining your Xanthor though xD It's also what I'd feel to be a pretty tricky concept to do so what you have so far is not bad.
Also I might remind you I'm also in my own writing slump so anything I said might not be true 8D Because I can't come up with anythind decent and I'm too fussy.
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