Forums » Creative » Writing Lounge

Vampire story Fiction Critiquing and Commenting Needed

Go to page: 1

Bookmark Thread

chance437	1:01pm Feb 10 2010 (last edited on 12:13am Feb 15 2010)
Normal User Posts: 15,067	Yeah, I just decided to write a story. Well, a novel's more like it. I've decided it to be long, so this is what I have so far - ~Characters~ Pika Draconair - Vampire Princess, pronounced Pieka Dracone air Cymba ______ - Vampire/Lycan half- breed Guardian Whit DraPhoenir - Vampire/Hound Princess, pronounced Dra Pheo(Like Phoenix) Neer. ~Story~ Chance437 Pika walked down the midnight streets, her high heels clicking loudly in the silence. The streets were deserted, the only exceptions being her, and the unknown alleys. She walked with something not unlike swagger, like she had what others didn't. All of a sudden she stopped, peering into a dimly lit alley. She sighed, her dark hair framed head. Chance437 "Just come out already," She called into the eerie shadows. Figures appeared from those shadows, seemingly darker than the gloom. "It's time to come home,Pika." The tallest one addressed her, obviusly the leader. "Why?" She questioned, smirking. "You think I can't watch myself, Ci-Ci?" She added, as she walked up to them. The man growled, but the grin on his lips told a story different from it. "The Hounds are waiting," He replied, holding his hand out to her. She took it, sighing dramatically. "Doesn't He know I can take care of myself, Cymba?" Pika asked, as she got into the "Mustang". What it really was, was horses. Unbelievably big, strong horses. Each clocked in at 12 feet tall. But, with the Horses, was an equal number of wolves. These wolves,or Hounds, were each 10 feet tall, yet just as strong as the horses. Excitement filled Pika, as she thought of how fast the traveled. "It's his duty to worry, dear" Cymba replied, landing a kiss on her cheek. "He's your brother." "I know," Pika admitted. "But I want space" She complained "You own a Kingdom, how much more space do you want?" Gabriel asked incredulously from the front seat. Gabriel was an essential part to her Kingdom.Gabriel was only his ti tle, though. It wasn't what name he was deemed at birth, but it was what he was to be addressed as. "Shut up," Pika laughed, playfully hitting him. "And I share it with Whit" Whitney was another one of her guardians - or a Guardian to be, after she graduates- but her most important one. They were like sisters. But, what made Whit special was her bloodlines. Whit was half Vampire, half Hound. Or, a BloodHound. To top that, she was the last Princess in the line of her last name, DraPhoenir. She had long, dark flowing hair that was such a rich brown color that it looked black, and grey eyes that bore no secrets. "Hey, did you know that you two are related?" Cymba asked, turning to her. "Yes, we know. By Great Grandmothers. We checked our lines already" Pika answered dismissively. By talking about her, Whit appeared, running by the Hounds. Being a BloodHound made her faster than both species. Suddenly she jumped, landing in the back next to Pika. "Hey Pie, hey Gabe. And hello, Cymba"She said, waving. Unlike Whit, Pika's bloodlines were pure, and had a lot of other Draconairs. Full blooded Vampires were called Haikus. Pika Draconair, was a Haiku. Guardians, like Whit and Cymba, were almost always Half - Breeds. The mixes included Vampire and Lycan, Vampire and Human, Vampire and Faerie, Faerie and Lycan, Faerie and Human, Faerie and Hound, Human and Hound, and the almost non - existent Vampire and Hound. Due to unknown genetic alterations, none of these breeds could reproduce with each other, only with Haikus. That's why there were Guardians. Unless Royalty, all non - Haiku breeds had their species' type of Guards. Vampires were special, though. Pika brought Whit back to her senses, worry flashing from her eyes into Whit's mind. Hounds were able to do that, placing a bond between the one they loved most. "I'm fine." Whit shrugged her off, smiling, as she released her emotions to Pika. She turned her head to Pika, her canines glinting in the moonlight. "You can't hide anything from me," Whit laughed, as Pika's thought flashed over to boys. "Even before the bond," Gabriel added, as they pulled up into the Academy. Chance437 ~Chapter 2~ Chance437 As they walked up the cobblestone path to the building, Whitney couldn't help but smile. St. DraPhoenir Academy held many memories for her. She was raised here, the codes of the Academy the guidelines of her life. Her father dropped her off here, since he was a Guardian, and she respected that decision. She didn't know her mother too well, aside for a few brief visits and encounters. Whit shook her head clear of the unwanted thoughts, as they entered the building. As the Guardians went their separate ways, Whit followed Pika, knowing she wanted to talk. As they walked towards the Haiku dorm building, Pika's interest spiked, and the wave of emotion hit Whit. "What?"She asked,her eyes scanning the room. "Hello, Princesses" A smooth voice said curtly, as the man dipped his head respectfully "Adrian. What are you doing here?" Whit asked frantically. "What, I can't see my friend?" Adrian asked, in a tone that was too seducing to be used in public "That'll be enough,"Whit interjected, grabbing Pika's arm and dragging her away "Besides, don't you have a cigarette to smoke?" She sneered. "Or a woman to impregnate?" ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ Chance437 And that's as far as I got. I think that's pretty good, since I started 2/8. So , tell me what you think. And please, no stealing.
chance437	9:37pm Feb 14 2010
Normal User Posts: 15,067	((iBump))
luvsarahdessen97	9:46pm Feb 14 2010
Normal User Posts: 192	W.O.W (jaw dropping right now ;D) You do what many people lack, you add personalities to the characters! That is one of the best things you can do. None of your characters are the same (similar, maybe, but that is realistic), and your dialogue fits each one of them perfectly. You really are talented, and just reading your writing made me realize how underrated wonderful writers are. It was fantastic, continue writing, you've got a true gift
luvsarahdessen97	9:48pm Feb 14 2010
Normal User Posts: 192	As for the critique, occasionally your writing can be a bit confusing and difficult to understand. Try toning down a few sentences, you don't always need a big long, make-you think statement. Simple straight to the points will actually sometimes sound even better
chance437	12:11am Feb 15 2010
Normal User Posts: 15,067	Thank you. You don't know how much that meant to me Tear
chance437	12:13am Feb 15 2010
Normal User Posts: 15,067	I added some more. Just a tidbit at the bottom.
Theyellowflash	6:55am Feb 15 2010 (last edited on 6:55am Feb 15 2010)
Normal User Posts: 1,210	'Whitney was another one of her guardians - or a Guardian to be, after she graduates- but her most important one. They were like sisters. But, what made Whit special was her bloodlines. Whit was half Vampire, half Hound. Or, a BloodHound. To top that, she was the last Princess in the line of her last name, DraPhoenir. She had long, dark flowing hair that was such a rich brown color that it looked black, and grey eyes that bore no secrets.' ' almost non - existent Vampire and Hound.' coughmary-sue alert D: you gotta be careful hun. If not done anything about it,she might turn into a real one. currently i cant say if shes anything more than a wannabe,since theres too little text to judge. Otherwise youre all good. ' as she got into the "Mustang". What it really was, was horses. Unbelievably big, strong horses. Each clocked in at 12 feet tall. But, with the Horses, was an equal number of wolves. These wolves,or Hounds, were each 10 feet tall, yet just as strong as the horses. Excitement filled Pika, as she thought of how fast the traveled.' BUUUUT, this bit is a bit confusing. i had to re-read it a few times to get it fully. and some bits further made me even more confused. you usually cant climb into horses. And how would she even get on a horse if theyre unbelievably big? also,you didnt write that they already set off or anything,but yet Pika's thinking how fast they are going,thus , indicating that they are moving at the current moment. Also,you might wanna describe the wolves more, or describe more in general. pay more attention to the background. maybe tell us how the character looks,but dont make the mistake of simply doing it like 'she looked at her friend. she was so beautiful. she had - insert a paragraph listing what she looks like-' try to build it up. force the reader to pay full attention. liek, maybe the characters hair are long,so they keep getting in his eyes. as the OC pushes them behind his ear,appears a good moment to describe this stray lock,and the oc's hair in general,maybe even his voice if he's all super-annoyed and is the whiny growling type. blargh,im ranting mindlessly again. sbmad. Hi, Im Flash and I do The Thing
luvsarahdessen97	9:01am Feb 15 2010
Normal User Posts: 192	it is really good. But i do agree with Theyyellowflash. i noticed you do use a lot of un needed commas (join the club). Sometimes, a good help is to reread everything you wrote outloud and put yourself in another person's eyes. Sure, you understand what you're saying, but will a complete stranger who didn't write it? The writing is fantastic, like i said, but too many "million dollar" sentences can sometimes give the people the impression that your kind of show offy and arrogent. (I'm not saying you are by any means, 'cause your not). So sometimes, just state what you mean and go on with that. An AMAZING trick I do is picture myself standing on a stage, with a huge audience, and I have to tell the story to them. It really makes everything come out better, because it really is YOU telling the story.
chance437	12:36pm Feb 15 2010
Normal User Posts: 15,067	Ok thanks guy 8D. Oh, and Flash, I lurv your siggie. I'm gonna re-write it, but I still need more time. And when I said ' almost non - existent Vampire and Hound.' I meant the species. But I'll clarify that xD.

Go to page: 1