a excerpt from a book im writing (its almost like twilight)

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flippyroxx	8:51pm Apr 20 2009
Normal User Posts: 8	I look out the car window, the earth was cloaked in a lingering mist, the sky so grey and gloomy. birds and animals hidden away awaiting the soon to come storm. The car comes to an abrupt stop infront of a large red brick building. school. i gather my things and walk through the halls. i enter first period and sat down waiting for homeroom's lessons to begin.suddenly i feel my fangs rip through my gums, a kid walks through the door. his long wispy blonde hair falls infront of his large grey eyes, surrounded in deep eyeliner. I edge away and held my breath as he walked over and took his seat next to me. "hi" i grunted quietly "hello" the bell rings and the lessons begin. an hour later when�homeroom ends i run out and call my house and ask for my special liquid. second period my mom brings me my drink, i lodge my porcline looking fangs though the two holes ive made in the top sucking on the�blood. i finish and wiped my mouth and grunted in pleasure "all better" my fangs retreat and�the bell rang after the teacher babling on about lessons and things i could care less about. hours pass and�school ends. I walk to the car circle and sit down on the cement block waiting for my mother to pick me up. the storm was coming, feirce winds, cracking thunder, the sky�had a light tinge of crimson. the new kid�sat next to me almost�knocking me over, he shivered "YOUR FREEZING!" I nod� "wanna be friends" i look at him astonished a guy like him would wanna be friend a freak like me "i wouldent be good for your heath" he looked puzzled "what do you mean?" �" i mean im a vampire" realizing what ive said i covered my mouth and his eyes widen to the size of�melons "really?!" "yep" he smiled "im not going to take no for an answer i dont care if your a..." he quieted down "vampire" "oh and by the way, im Neo" i look at him�" im Jay" "oh i got to go my mother is here... see you tomorrow if school is open?" he nodded "sure" he blushed "� becareful i heard there is a chance of hurricanes" he nodded again " oh here is my number" he blushed again " i'll give you a call if the powerlines still work....bye" i gather my things and walk back to my black porsche and headed home. �*BY: FLIPPYROXX��* *NO STEALY!! if you stealy i will sick my attack iluvu on ya tle="Yell" />* *Leave your comments if i should change anything add anything or just plain tell me what you think tle="Laughing" />* ��
1ran	9:34pm Apr 20 2009
Normal User Posts: 917	I like it a lot more than Twilight.
flippyroxx	3:42pm Apr 21 2009
Normal User Posts: 8	awwz thanks i still got a lot to write tle="Wink" />
Dappleshadow	5:31pm Apr 21 2009
Normal User Posts: 58	it needs some editing, but a good start.
LilTiga	5:35pm Apr 21 2009
Normal User Posts: 1	thats pretty cool, I like to write aswell.
flippyroxx	5:56pm Apr 21 2009
Normal User Posts: 8	thanx and i will edit it once my microsoft word starts working
Insane	4:32am May 22 2009 (last edited on 4:33am May 22 2009)
Normal User Posts: 2,422	I lost intrest. I lose intrest easily when the writer uses present word meaing 'My eyes scan the forest' Instead i find myself completly consumed in past tense such as 'The shrill birds call pulled me from the daydream and I scanned the the thick forest for danger.' "An Insane is a small creature that zips from person to person at hyper speed, stealing wallets and hearts in equal measure..." -Dmann
Raru	5:12am May 22 2009
Normal User Posts: 583	...You lose 'intrest' in the use of tense? :/ But your grammar needs a lot of work :3 Such as 'your' should be 'you're and whatnot. Go over it again or get someone to help you with it (because I know I have trouble spotting my mistakes xD). And add more deion when you can, I enjoyed the beginning bit with the 'lingering mist' o3o But not too much that i starts sounding less like a narrative.
cattuccino	7:17pm May 22 2009
Normal User Posts: 10	Your poor grammar makes this practically unintelligible. You don't tell a story very well - it's all very "This happens and then that happens and then something else happens and then another thing happens." I don't get pulled into the narrative (if you could call it that) one bit, and it reads a tad like a grocery list or a particularly scatter-brained child's diary entry. Your dialogue is wooden and stilted and unrealistic, just as your narration is, and the story in general just needs a complete overhaul. Keep trying, though. Read more books, not fanfiction or mangas or anything like that (these things have their place in the world, but they shouldn't be seen as learning material like books are) and pay attention to how the writers write. _{for the world is hollow and I have touched the sky}
EmoRotweiler	2:36pm May 23 2009
Normal User Posts: 923	hey flipyroxx =D havnt seen uz in forevers, i love it you should read mine. me misses u tle="Cry" /> updating
�_Ranvier	10:52pm May 23 2009 (last edited on 10:52pm May 23 2009)
Normal User Posts: 1,731	Add more depth to your characters. They seem very thin to me. ;o EDIT: And I mean depth as everyone else has said; detail, grammar, etc.

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a excerpt from a book im writing (its almost like twilight)