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Would love input/critiques. ^^
This is the first story I've written in a long time, and it was certainly written in a way I'm not used to. I've used first person maybe all of three times and I think I might have used second once, but this is the first I've ever combined them.
It was just a random spur-of-the-moment type idea I got when discussing with RikaTheFallen how to carry on a plot between two of our characters in a Roleplay.
It kind of struck me that my character didn't seem like he'd live very long... Why, I'm not entirely sure. But the concept of living a long happy life did not seem to suit him. Maybe because I was listening to a very sad song/story earlier that put me in a dark mood.
This spawned from that idea and song.
*Just for clarification, the one telling the story is my character, and he's speaking to RikaTheFallen's character.
At Peace
One night I awaken.
I awaken in your arms. In the bed we've shared for what seems like an eternity. In the room I was born to, the room a returned to with you.
You, who is everything to me.
You are still asleep, resting peacefully in my arms. I hate to wake you, but I reach out and touch your shoulder, rousing you.
I have grown tired these past few weeks. I should be in the prime of my life. I am just nineteen years old, yet I've grown so tired. So weary.
Your teal gaze meets my crimson one. Despite only just waking, your eyes are bright and reflect the moonlight filtering in the room through the window. You are concerned for me. I can see it in your eyes, just as you can see the tiredness in mine. While your eyes are bright, mine are dull.
I say nothing to you. Instead I take my hand and draw you out of bed. You follow my guidance without question, but I know you are confused. I can feel it in the way you squeeze my hand.
There is no point in explaining. The silence between us feels almost sacred. It would be a sin to speak and break it. I promise, you will not be confused for long.
I take you outside, not even pausing for shoes. It is spring now. The grass is full of life, and feels soft under our feet. The air is mild and warm, a slight cool breeze keeping it comfortable. On a night like tonight, one would think activity and life would be abundant, but nothing but the leaves rustled in the wind – a soft sound, near silence. We are completely alone. Out in the country, there are no neighbors to disturb us with noises or lights.
For a moment, I glance up. The full moon hovers above us, illuminating our surroundings in an almost silver color. I can feel you growing nervous. Someone as sensitive as you would not be so unaware as to not realize something was about to happen.
I give your hand a small squeeze, which relaxes you. It seems you still can not figure me out, and as I glance back at you, you look at me with a confused and concerned ex
pression. What am I doing, you must be wondering.
In front of our house is a large cherry blossom tree – a fond memory from my childhood, but also a painful one. I often thought the tree was so similar to my mother. She resembled the gentle, happy blossoms in bloom. When we had returned to this home years ago, we buried her remains under it.
I guide you over to it and sit down at the opposite side of the tree to my mother's grave. A soft sigh escapes me as I sink to the ground, a sense of immediate peace relaxing my body.
Still holding my hand, you sit next to me, your body pressed against mine. I glance over to you once again, and see the moon reflect in the corners of your eyes. A smile crosses my lips.
I say nothing. I still cannot break the silence. Instead, I glance over to the forest to the northeast. It was there my mother perished, poisoned by the very snakes she was saving me from. The ones who stole my vision from me for years.
Your gaze follows mine, then directs to me once again. You are worried, and you squeeze my hand tighter. I lift my free one to brush my fingers against your cheek, drawing you closer for a gentle kiss.
Our lips connect for but a moment before I draw away.
'I love you' I murmur. You jolt, as if my voice surprises you. I watch as tears form in the corners of your eyes, then roll down your cheeks. Do you even know why?
I close my eyes and rest back against the tree trunk. I can feel the moonlight on my face, and your gaze desperately trying to meet mine again.
For such a short life, I have no regrets. I have lived a peaceful life on earth with my mother, gone through a hell and met you, then took you to a heaven and a life you had never known. One with love and peace.
As the seconds drag on, my senses become more abstract.
I no longer feel the trees or the grass, but I still feel your presence beside me, warm and loving. I can no longer hear the gentle rustle of the wind through the leaves, yet I hear your breathing, getting more sharp as you try to hold back tears for me. Although my eyes are closed, I see the moonlight clearly, but soon even that fades.
This is not a bad way to die, I realize. For the last few seconds, I am truly with you only. Tears begin rolling down my cheeks as well.
I take my last breath and my hand slips from your face into your lap. Your choked cry followed by a desperate 'I love you' is the last thing I hear. It is selfish, but like this, death is not so bad. I am finally at peace in your arms.
I will miss you.
You, who I saved. You, who saved me. You, who is everything to me.
HypnoxSpazz 5evr |
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Rika added in her own part to this. So this is her writing, in the point of view of her character during what I wrote.
She asked me to post this since she was having trouble getting it formatted properly.
Part 2
We've been here together for a pleasant eternity, and though I've been growing brighter and brighter, you've grown dimmer. I pretend not to notice at times, but this was not one of them.
We had been sleeping peacefully together in the bed we shared, in each other's arms like always, when you moved and pulled me out of the peaceful dream I had been having. I looked up at you, confused and concerned. You would only do so if something was wrong, yet you didn't seem alarmed by anything.
You took my hand then and started to lead me outside, my teal gaze searching your scarlet for answers of any kind. What was going on? Why were you bringing me out here?
Then I noticed the cherry blossom tree and I gently squeezed your hand, remembering who it was that was buried beneath it. I looked over at you again, but still I did not speak. It felt almost as if I would ruin everything if I even uttered a single word.
I sat with you beneath that cherry blossom tree, pressed against you and offering my gentle embrace as I looked back up and into your eyes.
Then you said a quiet 'I love you' and I jumped, my eyes growing wide and filling with tears after only a moment. I stared at you, surprised by my own reaction.
Then I watched as you started to fade, my tears flowing faster as I hugged you closer, trying to at least give you one last song before you left me for good, but I couldn't find my voice through my attempts to control my breathing.
I found it at the last minute, crying out a desperate 'I love you!' before you faded in my arms.
I let go then, hugging your still body close and sobbing, grabbing the hand that had fallen onto my lap. I cried until I had no tears left to cry, held you close even when you grew cold.
You had been my everything, my own personal angel and my own personal heaven. You saved me from what I could have become, you who I tried so hard to save from the shadows and the evils you had been so numb to.
The same moment you left me, you took everything I had become with you. I will remember you and love you still until the day I join you beneath this cherry blossom tree.
"I love you..."
HypnoxSpazz 5evr |
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