Blood Soaked Rain <3


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HungerGames

8:43am May 14 2011 (last edited on 9:48am May 14 2011)

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Posts: 3
Chapter one ( No fricking way!) “You know we are going to Atquati tomorrow? And I get to help her carry all of the treasures she finds!!Don’t worry I am sure she will bring back something for you too Blood!” My older brother Rebellious Lover boasted, he was always going somewhere with my beloved owner Angel.

If fact it had only been yesterday that she had gotten back home! I remember sitting on the couch staring out the window of our Relcore home, when I saw her walking up the street and opening the front yard gate. I let out a chirp that was as close to a scream as I have ever come and I bolted out the little ‘doggy’ door she had installed into the front door, wanting to tackle her to the ground with love before my older brother jumped in front of me and I slammed into him.”What the heck! Reb get out of the way I wanna hug momma!!!”I chirped as I tried to untangle myself from his way to fluffy tail. Rebellious started to go one about how Angel was tired and warn out from her trip, but I wanted to see my momma! Angel must have sensed this and patted Rebellious on the head, “Rebel ,dear why don’t you go get some of the packages from the car, I wanna spend some time with my little Blood .”She said as she picked me up in her arms, I cooed and chirped as her hand gently slide down my little Aukira body.

I turned my head and watched him smile and run out of the yard and down the street where momma’s trail blazer was parked. I looked down as she rocked me in her arms and tickled my belly. I tried to restrain my legs from kicking, but I couldn’t help it, and I ended up making a huge scratch down Angel’s arm. She let out a small hiss of pain and looked at me. I started to shake in fear, I had never hurt anyone before and the look of pain in her eyes broke my heart and I began to cry.

“Oh no Blood it’s not that bad hunny I am alright my dear, just a scratch is all, your talons are very sharp for a young Aukira, and I am proud that you are growing so well. I am not mad at you, but could you go get Ashkins and Wooj? They know where the medical supplies are.”She cooed as she started to bounce me in her arms, and I began to calm down. It did not take away the bad feeling I had in my little black and red tummy but I felt like she was telling the truth and really wasn’t mad at me. I nodded my head and she set my down on the ground gently, before covering the bleeding wound with her black handkerchief . My eyes widened , I had never seen the thing for which I had been named after, but it had made sense why she had named me Blood Soaked Rain, my midnight black pelt was covered with dots of red, as if I had been in a light drizzle of blood. I screeched and ran into the house, chirping and clicking away for Ashkins, who was not in the house. Well he was in the house but not in the house, I shall explain.

See Angel’s house is different, and you first start to notice that when you open the gate to the front yard/garden and notice that the old Victorian house we live in just about screams.”Something magical is here!” But as you walk up to our heavy wooden front door and stare at the heavy Gondra head brass knockers, you can all but smell the magic that emanates from within. Of course living here all this time the rest of us are used to it, but being only about a few weeks old, I still could smell that rainy summer day type smell that was the magic in our home. But walking into our house it looks almost normal, the large living room with a black leather couch and big screen TV were eye catching at first, but as you look over on the right wall, with all the shelves you notice all the old books filling most of the space.

 Only on a few of the shelves are little jars filled with odd or eyes catching colored stones, or my favorite shelf, which is the second to last, filled with the jar of black and gold pearls. But enough about the living room, you can also turn to the right and see the lovely marble granite kitchen .I shall not get into detail, it’s just a normal kitchen. It’s the hall way that leads to the second floor that is the magic part of the house. Walking down the long hallway full of doors you notice each as a name carved into each one of them, they all look the same though. Each a mahogany door with a crystal handle.

The one closest to the front of the house seems to catch your eye and you lean in to read what it says. ”Dragon Sanctuary”  That is where Ashkins and the rest of moms dragons live, and that is where I sprinted too. My little body could not reach the big shiny crystal doorknob, and I cried out in disappointment, before my younger brother Indigo Spine flew in from the kitchen, a piece of meat in his mouth and landed on the doorknob. His tail flicked back and forth for a second before doorknob glowed a bright rainbow of colors and the door slowly opened. What lay inside was amazing.

The first thing I noticed, well really the second to the blinding sun light was the frost peaked mountains in the distance, and then the large blue lake where a blonde Ahea is playing in. Indigo Spines chirps and then flies off toward an oak tree where baby sepia Gondra plays in. I cannot believe my eyes. All I could do is stare in wonder, before I turned on my heels and walk back into the hall way, and then begin to peer out the door again. I have never been in through this door before, and the sheer magic of this place shocked the daylight out of me. But I could see a big brown figure of Wooj in the back sniffing a baby Ardur near the hot lava pits on the other side of this mountain encircled place.I gather my courage and go running into the lush emerald grass, dodging trees and other pets as I run toward her, seeing she is talking to the baby Ardur about mom.

“Wooj I accidently hurt mom, I need you to get Ashkins and the medication kit and meet her out front.” I pant in exhaustion as I plop down onto the soft grass. Wooj who was never one to talk nods her head and howls, her large Shaefu head lifting back and letting out a wolf like howl that has Ashkins diving from the sky and onto her head. “What is going on?”He asked as he too pants out of breath. I relay what happened and he too nods his head in understanding. “It’s alright little one. We know you meant no harm.” He says as he clicks something in Wooj’s ear and they go off across the map, right to the door that stands in the middle of a grass little valley. I watch as they disappear and I get up and follow a few hundred feet behind them. My legs ached from running so hard and as I past all the Gondras playing a form of tag I smile.

I walk back into the hallway, the door magically shutting behind me. I looked up to the other big tall doors and inspect their names. Right across from the Dragon room is my beloved Barn, I walk up to it and jump to tap the crystal handle, which opens up after a flash of dandelion yellow. I appear in the middle of a what used to be large horse barn, but instead of horses are now Aukira and Meragon of all shapes and sizes here, I run to one of the open windows and stick my little black head out, seeing warm sun beating down on a happy little ranch out in the middle of nowhere, this place is surrounded by mountains and I can see the new race track and a food pen out in the distance.

I smile, chirp, and jump down from the window sill and make my way over to the little stall which is my own. “Blood Soaked Rain” was carved neatly into the door, just for me. I stare up at it for a long time before I am suddenly picked up by momma who has a bandage neatly wrapped around her right arm. She and I silently walk into my newly bedded stall and lay on my big bed pillow and she sits me down and I fell asleep in her arms dreaming of exploring with her in other worlds. Which is what I now exactly have in mind.

Reddaysi

9:07am May 14 2011

Normal User


Posts: 251
Hey Wifey xD Amazing! c: I love this! I especially liked how you used
'as close to a scream as I have ever come'
like I did on my story!
A few things however -
'My legs ached from running so hard and as I pasted all the Gondras playing a form of tag I smile.'
Pasted isn't a word and it's also in the past tense D: So it should be;
'My legs ached from running so hard, and as I walk past all the Gondras playing a form of tag I smile.'
Also,
'I smile and chirp and jump down from the window sill and make my way over to the little stall which is my own. “Blood Soaked Rain.” Was carved neatly into the door, just for me. I looked up at it for a long time before I am suddenly picked up by momma who has a bandage neatly wrapped around her right arm.'
Should be;
'I smile, chirp, and jump down from the window sill and make my way over to the little stall which is my own. “Blood Soaked Rain” was carved neatly into the door, just for me. I stare up at it for a long time before I am suddenly picked up by momma who has a bandage neatly wrapped around her right arm.'
This is a little more complicated - The first section I changed just so it's easier to say, the second, I change 'looked' to 'stare' as you change the tense with that word; eg:
 
Past; I looked up at the statue, and sighed.
Present; I look up at the statue, and sigh.
 Keep an eye out for tense changes - I do those without realising all the time T-T
Also, to make it even more readable, try using paragraphs, like I have done in this post.
Otherwise, it's amazing. c:



HungerGames

9:14am May 14 2011

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Posts: 3
Haha thanks and I did.......this thing must have bunched it together........lol
Reddaysi

9:23am May 14 2011

Normal User


Posts: 251
Oh, you probably  need to do it all over again, or click on the little HTML symbol in the corner when you edit it, and put <p> wherever you want a new paragraph. :D



HungerGames

9:46am May 14 2011 (last edited on 9:48am May 14 2011)

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Posts: 3

Never mind I fixed it =]

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