comment/critique-my story


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Stijix

12:20am Nov 15 2009 (last edited on 12:47am Nov 15 2009)

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Posts: 454

if you actually wanna read this, than it is about a demon. It is kind of scary people tell me, but i dont know about all u people who love scary  stories. This is actually for an english project, and i think my clazmates will be scared. I dont think my teacher will truly and happily approve either. 

                                           FADING INTO DARKNESS

 

The night was pitch black and no stars or moon were visible in the black sky. All was cold and the silence and pure darkness made you want to scream. The whole world suddenly seemed to be enveloped in black and you felt as if light had never existed. A demon was in this town and the city had been partly evacuated. Limp bodies seemed to lie everywhere you looked, and their blue faces all showed signs of complete terror. Death was the word for this city on this saddening night, as only death could satisfy the demon. This demon was far worse than many others and DeathSoul was his name.

Jamie had just left the warmth of the police station, with the luxuries of light and sweet foods with a cup of delicious coffee. As an investigator, she, of all people, had been sent to investigate the reason of all the death occurring in the city. But this time, she had no backup. After one last look towards the welcoming station, she turned her back to the door and nearly tripped over a lifeless body. She shrieked in disgust at the human staring up at her with fear. His face was completely sad and soaked with tears of pain. It looked like he had cried for years, as his face and around his eyes were red. She couldn’t remember very well. Did dead people always look like this? It was obvious to everyone that she disliked working with people, well, dead ones anyway. But that was why she had actually been hired.

DeathSoul scanned the abandoned streets, looking for any signs of life. Maybe he could rule this city when everyone was gone. His stomach started to grumble as he thought about his plan for this city. Even after the many stolen souls he had devoured, he was still hungry for more. A few more would keep his hunger satisfied for a few days. As he sat on the steep skyscraper, he continued searching for movement among the darkened roads. He spotted only two people. A small woman was crouched over a man, sobbing for him to say something, and a woman with a strict and careless appearance, walking down the sidewalk. Funny, she reminded him of a confused investigator. He smiled and laughed wickedly and victoriously.

Jamie started getting colder as the wind began to pick up. She froze in her tracks as a bloodcurdling scream and wailing followed by a short piercing roar pinched the darkness. After a moment, all returned to silence. She felt small and alone, like she was unwanted, and she wanted to start crying, but she had a mission to finish. She shrugged the noises off and thought of them as her imagination as she walked onward. She was still frightened, of course, and every step away from the station seemed darker, quieter, and even more eerie than the last. She heard steps behind her and a wicked laugh. She reached for her flashlight and taser, but as she felt her belt, she immediately realized they were both gone.

The dark figure grabbed her and threatened her with his sharp claws as he pulled her to his side. Every minute, the claws seemed to sink another inch into her neck, preparing to pierce the bone. She knew that this character had a heart of pure evil, a cold heart that cared for no one except himself. He had metallic dark-blue skin, freezing skin, and a vertical silver scar in the shape of a lightning bolt, stretching from his high cheek and over his eye to his eyebrow. He looked like he had suffered from doing wrong. He had a deep and threatening voice, and when he spoke, his sharp gray fangs were visible for any eye to see.

 

“What are you?” Jamie tried to speak as well as she could, without showing signs of fear. It was hard to utter even one word with his claws embedded in her neck.

“I am death. Only in the form of a demon.” He answered darkly.

“Why did you kill all these innocent people?”

“The same reason you killed that man.”

“That was an accident!”

“Really? Then you may call my actions accidental.”

“What do you want?”

“Your soul.”

            He evilly stared into her green eyes, and she into his golden, pupil less eyes. He squeezed her neck even harder, and she struggled to try to get away from him. She felt the feeling of sadness and loneliness once more. She was slowly choking and fading into a deep darkness. She couldn’t say a word and she couldn’t scream either. She felt like a hopeless animal waiting to be slaughtered and sent off to a butcher. He whispered ”Don’t worry, the pain won’t last too long.” The last thing she remembered was a loud roar, as she sighed, closed her eyes, and drifted off into a deep and dark unconsciousness.

 

Well, what do you think?




hamsters
Raru

2:09am Nov 15 2009 (last edited on 2:10am Nov 15 2009)

Normal User


Posts: 583

Nice job, though you might need to check some things

I'm actually not keen on the capital 'S' in the middle of 'DeathSoul', it seems odd but this, I suppose, is a matter of personal taste.

Review the grammar and spelling, I've noticed some mistakes here and there such as:

'reason of all the death occurring in the city.'
Which should be 'deaths'

 About your deions:

 
'she turned her back to the door and nearly tripped over a lifeless body'

This would have been an extremely good opportunity to describe the body. Sure there are tears but anything else? How does it look like? Fresh, alive, dying? Deions of such things would give a stronger feel and better image for the reader As well as:

 'strict and careless appearance'

It's so very vague; expand more. Especially with all you describe being two words which are so very different from each other, it doesn't make sense.

 

Your dialogue also needs some work. While I understand a conversation going on I'd also like to see perhaps some reactions to what he says. Especially at this mention of an 'accident'. You should take the time to point out her emotions and perhaps explain about this accident. If this is a short sroty (which I presume it is) a history of the character is a must, rather than you leaving your readers confused. A short story needs more depth into it and a more polished ending. If it's a longer story it needs a lot more development.

As for your teacher approving it, I think so long as it goes by whatever guidelines they set for you it should be fine. If you're not following said guidelines then of course I doubt they'd approve.

To sum up: I think the main thing is that you have to be more particular of literary features. Don't take my word for it though, I've always been very picky with things like this. But I always believe that writing grows and develops its own style as you write and read more.

So yeah, what you have so far is pretty good :)





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