This is for LaMuse's contest, and also for a short story writing I'm doing for school, 'cause I can't think of two stories in less than a week. This is 4 pages without double spacing, and 6 pages with double spacing. I'm looking for constructive critism about my writing style, my grammar, deion, and flow of writing. I want to impress my English teacher as well :3 This isn't all that I'm writing for LaMuse, but this piece is what I'm printing out and giving my teacher to mark.
I need to foreshadow, have a flashback if possible, and be able to show who's the protagonist and antagonist for school. And 'cause I'm 13, I would love to hear if I'm writing to a 13 year old level, and where I should improve. You should also check my other post, Dream Portal, for more of my writing (which my teacher has read)
I'm aiming for a feeling, a message in this story: something I haven't done before... tell me what you think. Rate it out of 10, please along with a reason. :3
Here goes.
|| Betrayal ||
|A Short Story|
Betrayal really stung- everyone thought that betrayal wasn¡¦t as worse as death or violence¡K but they were wrong. I knew first hand that betrayal and banishment usually go hand in hand. Disgusted, I was. So you want to know my horrid story of my life? Go right ahead.
It seems that my life wasn¡¦t progressing ever since the Holy Judge declared my fate¡K It was as if I was stuck on a fork of a road- on a path leading to darkness and despair, and another narrow path leading to hope and life. I would choose my own fate if I could, but His judgment was final. No questions asked, even if His decision was backed by untruths, lies and unjust. Even my loved ones (ha, loved ones) didn¡¦t have the will to stand against Him for me. They just watched me get my wings punctured, chained with pure unbreakable gold and spells, and sent me to the other unearthly world of despair.
Yes, wings. Oh, if you haven¡¦t heard of the widespread news about His choice in my ¡¥punishment¡¦, then I¡¦m Zephyr, a banished angel¡K a pissed banished angel that didn¡¦t do anything wrong. Back to the situation at hand: I¡¦m stuck on this¡K dastardly world without ever being able to fly home ¡¥cause of my chained wings. Why did I, above all people, be the one there at the scene of the massacre?
I stretched my bare arms above my head, yawning. Not like I¡¦m going to let exhaustion creep over me until I get back what I lost, y¡¦know. Thinking, I remembered: my whole life was back home, in Ceynon, the world of angels and other magnificent beings. I remembered the battle, the bloodshed, and Quiven, my dear brother who was taken from me.
Remorse spread through me: I knew I was the reason he was taken ¡V if you prefer, kidnapped- instead of me.It was time for me to start moving, I thought.
Knee-deep in comforting swamp water and mud spreading between my toes, I trudged back towards the shore on the far side of the swamp. Fireflies swarmed around me. It was dusk; the sun was about to set, and the scenery seemed tranquil and unwavering as if my existence wasn¡¦t real. It was as if I wasn¡¦t real.
Sighing, I laid down on the ground and my fingers caressed the damp grass around me absent-mindedly. I forced my mind to become blank, to just enjoy the scenery of glowing fireflies, whispering breezes, and the setting sun. Hues of blue and purple enveloped those of red and pink, signaling the rise of the silver moon. Stars twinkled in the sky, as if beckoning me to try and reach my home once again.
Then, as I began to drift off into sleep, I heard music playing, and voices singing in a forgotten poem that I suddenly remembered, and the part I thought much when I was a child. I wonder, as I listened, if this was all just a dream, and that I was going to be able to go back to Ceynon sooner or later¡K get transported to Ceynon through dreams? Perhaps, yes.
¡§Choices are made, the day
we awaken from our dreams-
Even angels crave¡K
Of glorious days
which have been taken from us
by bloodshed and lies.
Even angels dream,
of world with no grief and pain
And that darkness is vanquished¡K
Along with unjust.¡¨
With this, I fell asleep (against my will), and suddenly, the ground beside me vanished along with the grass and I fell sideways into a parallel world: my world. Ceynon. I was home, I knew, but the landscape wasn¡¦t what I imagined.
Battle ravaged, I knew I could be too late. The once-flourishing plain of Nyhamer wasn¡¦t green anymore with sweeping long grass, but covered in blood, bones and decaying flesh of fallen angels and beasts, and who knows what else. Banishing the thoughts of dread, I flew over the blood-soaked plain which mirrored the sun-less sky. Bright red as if someone threw blood into the sky and that it dyed the immense sky, I shivered. By golly, the whole world seemed corrupt by evil intentions and devoid of Life¡¦s species. Every step I took, the sense of dread in me expanded, which made me wonder: where was my mother, Evelyn? Or what about Rhyadin or Kyvern? Heck, where was everyone?
In the distance, I saw a foreboding castle, ruined to its foundations. Its so-called unbreakable walls were destroyed along with the three towers that stood side by side at the center of the castle. No one¡¦s there, I told myself, not knowing if it was a lie, or the truth. Not a creature stirred as I lighted down on the cobblestone stairs¡K like there were any creatures alive at all, I thought. Time seemed to slow down. I explored the remains of the castle, which took almost a quarter of a day. Hope sinking, I realized that¡K
I. Was. Too. Late.
I wanted to scream in agony and pain and loss, but I couldn¡¦t seem to make my voice come out. Wretched in grief, I collapsed onto my knees in front of the once-glorious castle, and cried. Digging my nails into the ground, I stayed in that position for until what I believed, dusk. (It was too hard to tell day or night without the sun, I thought).
Why had I thought that Ceynon should be destroyed when I at first thought that banishment made it hopeless for me to come back? I wanted to take back my thoughts, but I knew I was too late, hence the battle. Every time I felt that they didn¡¦t deserve to live, but now that Death¡¦s grip has held me and pinned me to Hell, I was filled with grief and guilt.
I take it back, I thought, I do take my thoughts back, and if I could, I would right the wrongs many did before Ceynon fell into darkness.
A hand on my shoulder startled me from my vigil. Stiff and sore to the bones, I turned around and groaned in relief: a familiar face with amber eyes stared right back at me. His face was a mirror image to mine, complete with pale blonde hair framing his partly tanned face. Startled, I gasped. ¡§Quiven, it is you!¡¨
He grinned, his dirt-streaked face brought out his twinkling eyes. ¡§Com¡¦n, my bro¡¦,¡¨ he said as he hauled me to my feet despite me groaning in pain ¡¥cause of my stiff muscles, ¡§I¡¦ve lots t¡¦ tell you, an¡¦ I can tell you ¡¦long the way t¡¦ our hidin¡¦ place.¡¨ (Turns out his hiding place was in a meadow only passable through a forest, ha)So, with Quiven in the lead (and partly dragging me) I listened thoroughly to his tale, drinking in every detail he described, I ended up summarizing his story in a sentence.
¡§So, basically,¡¨ I began, ¡§after you were kidnapped by the Darkest Ilxyor and Validence, He bargained with Narieoj, the god of the darkest, and traded Ceynon for you-¡¨ (Well, maybe not just a sentence) ¡V¡§And though He tried to protect Ceynon and to keep Ceynon from falling into darkness, Narieoj prevailed, all were lost, until I came back and ¡¥supposed¡¦ to hold the key for Ceynon¡¦s rebirth.¡¨
A cheeky grin on his face, Quiven faced me. ¡§Yep, that¡¦s right. You have t¡¦ help us, ¡¥cause Narieoj thinks you¡¦s dead, an¡¦ so you¡¦re able to defeat ¡¥im once an¡¦ fer all.¡¨
I finally knew what Quiven wanted me to do. ¡§I¡¦ll see what I can do, Quiv.¡¨ He suddenly fell silent. I looked around me, and I found out we were near their ¡¥hiding¡¦ place. Low overhanging branches brushed over my wings, and the dead branches snapped under my feet. It wasn¡¦t as bad as before when Gwyneth and I were caught off-guard by the Demon Knightmare and his guards and soldiers.
Finally arriving at the meadow, Quiven somehow took off a cloaking spell and I could see the camp and all its inhabitants. I knew for once where He was, making me want to confront him once and for all. Quiven beside me noticed me stiffen, and he knew what I was thinking. Brotherly instincts, y¡¦know.
¡§I¡¦ll tell Him you¡¦ll be there,¡¨ Quiven said, and hurried off towards the ominous tent. Just suddenly, so suddenly, I heard a voice in my head. So you¡¦ve come back, Zephyr, back from your banishment. His voice was horrible, sneering at what I had to endure. I instantly got angry, and ignoring the horror in my brother¡¦s eyes, I stormed into His tent and yelled.
¡§Tell me, tell me: Was my banishment for good or bad, for my brother¡¦s sake, or yours, Karishel?¡¨ Without waiting for a reply, I hissed: ¡§I want to have a Judgment called to order, Karishel. Come out into the meadow with me and let us reveal the truth. I will no longer stand in shadows, but I will face the so truth, and-¡¨
¡§You have no idea what you are saying, foolish Zephyr,¡¨ Karishel replied, scornful. ¡§If a Judgment is what you want, then you shall get one, but I must say that you were banished so that you can live another day and come back, and reign under my rule¡K to come back one day and rid us of the evil Narieoj. He has suspected long that you were casted out of our ranks, but hear my proposal: admit you were banished for the good, and you will get your position as an archangel.¡¨
By then, everyone had gathered in a circle around us in the meadow. Karishel and I stood face to face, and he smiled before he backed away. ¡§You know what you want, Zephyr,¡¨ he mouthed, and I scoffed.
¡§I don¡¦t want this,¡¨ I said, I had made up my mind. I had no desire in joining His rule, His group of archangels who did nothing but wrong choices. It was a tempting offer, but I didn¡¦t want it. I was thinking my answer over, when images flashed through my mind. Goodness! I was remembering people and their faces that I knew. Gwyneth, Loriden, Quiven, Evelyn.
Taking a deep breath, I said the following, my voice shaky but loud. No one else had the will to defy Him, Lord Karishel, like I said before.
¡§I don¡¦t want this, I repeated, ¡§I do not want a position gained though power and greed. I do not want to rule with someone that blinds himself with power and untruths. I¡K I saw majestic scenes while I was banished. I saw a sunset before the tranquil dusk, calm sea waves lapping onto shores under the watch of the moon and her stars. I saw a green meadow with tall grass blowing in the summer breeze. I saw things you haven¡¦t, Karishel, while you drank yourself and proclaimed yourself into the seven deadly sins.
¡§I felt freedom when I knew my destiny did not require me to come back here, back to Ceynon. I was finally free and I knew where I belonged. I knew who I was. The past events made me think: Why should I, or why did I, come back? I wanted to make sure Quiven got what he was destined to be: an archangel in my stead¡K
¡§During my banishment, I vowed I would go back to Lerondelle, after I settled this. I felt I had a link, still, between Ceynon, my family, others, and me and that the link will be severed if I didn¡¦t come back to warn of the danger and battle soon to come to pass. Basically, I wanted to see Quiven become an archangel like so he desired. I believe that Quiven would truly be a magnificent lord of the angel world, and that he would be a good choice¡K I wanted to see his joy, and I wanted to see, above all, that Ceynon remains strong, standing and ruled by a rightful Angelord if not, for all the years to come.¡¨
At this, my family swarmed around me, ignored Karishel, and welcomed me home. It was then and there that Karishel gave his rule over to Quiven, but sadly, all good things must come to an end¡K
I gave a salute of farewell, and I flew off, away from my home, complete my life¡¦s journey. The sunset in the sky never seemed so golden, so majestic, and it seemed to make my wings sparkle, which reminds me of the golden chains left beside the pond where fireflies shine.
My choice is made, I thought as I flew off into the distance. The world is calling to me. I must go on, and I will return when Ceynon needs me the most¡K As I thought that this was one right thing I did, I smiled, and casted away all feelings of guilt.
This is my story, and though a chapter ends here, the journey had just begun.
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