nevermind about the critic thing. you can still leave your opinion here, if you like.
i'm just going to post some poems every now and then when i have the creativity to do so.


please keep in mind that some of these may be a work in progress or just general ideas for poems that i will write one day.

What is out there for you
ragged razor shoes and big brown eyes
a sliver of silver lighting
which is hiding in your forest

I am looking under rocks
and chopping down trees
littering the floor
with pine needles
shoes that stomp on
fragile bees

you slow down your breathing
and ask 'what is out there for me'
collecting the drops of rain
because you would only ever do that
if you were really in pain

It's there I'll find you-
saying goodbye to the ground
blowing on dandelion wishes
with pockets full of stones

(and then you jump)

I'll find myself asking
'what is out there for you'

you will sleep on top of ambition
while the forest dies away
and when I leave,
build up bridges

I will sit next to you
far after the silver lighting fled
wondering
if anything was ever out there to begin with

a black dog follows me
and it doesn't bother me anymore.
he's waiting for me
and waiting
and waiting.

i want to write something,
something about myself.
but i think i've run out of things to say.
i'm still walking and i'm alive
and i think, "i'm okay, this is ok."

and sometimes i can feel him.
it's early in the morning
and i think, "i'll be ok"
and i'll walk down the road
step,
after step,
and during that silence
he reminds me of how alone I am.

or when i sit on the floor of the cafeteria
watching everyone else be happy
and they all talk, but-
i just here how quiet it is,
and he'll watch me with those
black eyes and just wait for me.

a few people will walk by
and they look so happy
and i'll think, "this isn't okay."
but i won't do anything
and the dog waits some more.

Horrid heart was found dead
With an unhealthy attachment
We can't save a hole that's stained red
(A heartless void is an advancement)
It fades away on the side of a road
Hollow hands and frozen fingers
And all
With threads pulled and slowed
It's affection lingers
Though you remember as well as I do
We both knew to know never
A heart's hole can not renew
Can not last whatsoever


bleh, rhyming.

dark overlaps white
when death creeks in the floorboards.
tonight we all have stage fright
when you're tangled in the cords.
voices can't break through
because your lungs no longer strive.
your mouth can't even speak true!
you're barely alive!
a soundless crack caused the scene
in a place miles from home,
where you were once- only eighteen,
never stepping outside your own screen.
your breath slowly slides away
out of a white spot automatically.
losing thought, screaming your final day,
and the stars twinkled all dramatically.
the wicked misery after death
with a selfish song lost in the fray.
you breathe no more breath-
vision fading to gray.

 I liked your first two poems that you posted the best. The first one was very good, in that you had great "camera angles". Meaning that you would focus on an image, then a sound, then a feeling-- bit by bit. And you do that well. You had an active voice, which is nice. The general mood of the poem was good. You even had some rhyme and rhythm, but it didn't read as forced, and all it did was add to the poem. Not take away. 

Wow. Thanks so much for your feedback. If you feel that I'm slightly well with "camera angles" then I guess I'm going to start focusing on that to develop it more. Rhyming is definitely something I've never been able to accomplish so I'm not so worried about that. I'm not even going to try with that anymore.

I never noticed those awkward lines before but now that you pointed it out, I think I understand what you mean. Honestly, the first two poems are newer pieces I've constructed and I'm really glad you liked them, even if only a small bit. Thank you.

I wrote this yesterday but I forgot to post. SO AFTER this poem I'll get working on my strong points:

she said to me
'i didn't think i'd see you again'
but she knows i have medicine for that
and i'm happy
and happy
and i'm so happy.

happiness brings me closer to God
in a language she can't speak
but i'm awake
alive
with trembling hands and tied breath

if i could
i'd ask her how the weather was
because i know that she's lonely
and i'm happy
and happy
and i'm so happy.

i'll be waiting for this sleep
this malice past the divide
so leave my body where it lies
because she's lonely
but she's awake
alive.

i feel as if this one was written very poorly even though i tried very hard to convey my emotions. i may go back and edit this:

i'll be waiting
to pull this thread
and rip the skin from around your neck

because there's flowers in your spine.

i'll find you
deep down in your rib cage,
lightly pulling the breath from your lungs
and wondering about the importance of your life.
your oxygen tank is running on empty.

God stole what was left of your bones
and now you can't remember
how to walk
how to laugh
how to smile
because every time you stand,
something tumbles down
(and it's not your spinal chord).

it appears you've ran out of thread.

do you count as dead
if you're just sick of living?
i can't say you're very much alive
anymore.

Bump for you. ;)

thank you.

I would love to read your poetry and help you with it!  I think writing is so much fun.

too bad you can't really make a living off of writing. lol.

i want you to be there
when the sky stops spinning
and the trees simply shake.

we will suddenly die.

feeding the earth with our bodies
and empty thoughts chilling
the dead dark dirt.

this is not how you had hoped.

sometimes people die alone,
but not us.
we will grow flowers here
in our void company.

this is really bad and kind of vented:

i am not your enemy.

i won't let you down
because we live in this moment
and the sun is shining,
right?

i once saw you under,
and now i think about you everyday
because my lungs burn
with sympathy.

i wish you were more passionate.

i want to help you,
but i'm not going to teach someone
who never even tried.

you care, though.

hey,
listen.
don't eat your
heart out for this.
you don't deserve to
be sad. i don't want to
know that you're slowly killing
yourself, because i know
that yes, people die,
but it is not
your day. at
least for
now.

you push me away
but my lungs burn forward.

here we are again.

you don't give me enough credit
for the things we do best
and i know that i can be more

we will never rest
no, not until after our war
so give me this chance

let me be more.

I like the last one, but the rhyming sequences seem a littly iffy to me. The syllables and the fact only parts of it rhyme kinda bug me, but I don't often read mixed poems. Normally it's either almost all rhyme or almost all non-rhyme. ^ _^"

i see what you mean.
i'll try to fix it but, eh. ;p

I read your first poem and I have a few issues with it.
The main one being that you have no set rhyme scheme. It's okay to have free verse, but you seem to want to rhyme and not rhyme at the same time. It'sconfusing and sounds bad when you read it out loud.

'What is out there for you

                                                
You make rhymes in two of the stanzas and you just stop rhyming. When it's read out loud, it just sounds bad.

I can point out that 'what is out there for you' is grammatically a question. When you read it out loud, it's like you have to use intonation (as in you must stress the word 'is'). Sure thing, you can claim you can use the poetic licence, but I don't like it when people do anyways. It doesn't sound right.

The poem as well doesn't flow very nicely. You just jump from place to place. You question something in the beginnning and then just say 'ragged razor shoes and big brown eyes / a sliver of silver lighting / which is hiding in your forest'. Which is completely irrelevant. There is no purpose for mentioning these shoes, lightning and the forest.

Then you take a tour of the forest. No idea why, you don't mention why. You search for something, you don't mention why and you never reveal the significance of embarking on this search. I have a feeling you are looking for 'what is our there for you'. But that doesn't really make any sense. Who is 'you' what is the thing that is 'out there'. What does it represent? There is a lot of repetition of 'what is out there for you' but I don't even know what it means. You also say 'it's there I'll find you', but you haven't made where 'there' is clear.

It's not that I hate the poem or anything. You need to make things clearer. I find that things are too vague and the whole poem is difficult ot understand and unmoving. It's not very good if your poem is unmoving. If you need to explain what this poem actually means to mean, by all means do. I can help and offer advice to make your second draft better.

I haven't read the rest of the poems, I will read them and offer crits if you want me to.