Rescreatu - Virtual Pet Game

Darkened Tear Drops {Critiquing and comments wanted}


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chance437

10:10pm May 27 2010 (last edited on 10:03pm May 30 2010)

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Posts: 15,067

The girl stops, fear creeping into her as she looked around nervously. She knew she heard the scream. She wasn't crazy. Not like everyone thought she was. She grabbed her knife, heading downstairs on swift soundless feet. As she was just about to turn into the living room, the hair on her neck stood at attention. He turned her head quietly, every fiber of her being telling her to run for her life. Behind her was a black shadow, though it seemingly glowed.

"Azazel." She breathed, feeling her heartbeat stutter.

"Hello, child. I-" The man called Azazel was cut off, his the knife she held was driven deep into his core. He screamed, an echoed sound that signaled his return the the fiery pit. There was clapping behind her, as she whipped her head around.

"Nice one, girl." The smaller of the men taunted, grabbing her and hugging her tightly.

"Hello, Dean. Sam." She laughed, nodding to both of the men. "It's been too long."

 

"Agreed." The taller man, whom she called Sam, replied, taking his turn for his hug.

"What are you guys doing here?" The girl asked both of the brothers, confused.

"Well, we're here on a job..." Dean said, a bit of foreboding in his tone. 

 

 ~~~~~

I stared blankly at the wall, the visit from Sam and Dean depressing her. Not to mention Azazel's appearance. I suppose I should tell you about myself. My name's Kailyn Winchester.

I am sixteen years old. Those two boys were my brothers, Sam and Dean. I am a hunter.

A demon hunter.

I destroy the things that inhabit bedtime stories told to kids in order to get them to sleep. I decapitate what young girls my age go crazy for. I am older than my physical age. I have killed more than I can count, and I have saved many. Azazel is a Demon. A Yellow-Eyed demon. I'm afraid he didn't die, but was sent back to the Pit. Unfortunately, with that knife, the human almost always die. Does that make me a monster?




chance437

12:35pm May 29 2010

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Posts: 15,067

((iBump))

Someone please Critique?? 




Maybell

9:29pm May 29 2010

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Posts: 3,265
((It's good quality writing, but there's no background info. Who is Azazel? Who are the brothers? Why did she kill the man? Who is she in the first place? ))



chance437

10:05pm May 29 2010

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Posts: 15,067
((May, that's the point so far. It's a mystery until the next time I post.))



 _Ranvier

6:21pm May 31 2010

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Posts: 1,731
It's okay.
It didn't really draw me in though, honestly.
Maybe because it all happened so fast and as May said I have no sort of information on what happened/was happening. Or who the two guys were, why she stabbed him, etc.
Your tenses switch here and there and I think it could use more depth, but it's a good start.
This is just me personally, however. Other people might review differently.
Also, along with the tenses, you should run through it one more time. I think I saw a few typos, but I'm not totally sure. 




ribunny123

9:19pm Jun 10 2010

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Posts: 4,848

I like it.  ^.^

It would be nice if you described what the characters looked like more.  Like, its hard to picture what a character looks like when you don't really know their hair or eye color, I know it maybe might be hard for you to squeeze something like that in there, but its just a tip.  ^.^

Other then that, I REALLY like it. 






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