Every Clue is a Mystery Too! (Any suggestions?)DO NOT STEAL OR ELSE


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GreenKat

4:11pm May 28 2011 (last edited on 4:12pm May 28 2011)

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Chapter 1 In The Beginning, We're Not Winning               "Peter! Get over here!"                                                      "What is it now Mom?"                                                    "The TV isn't turning on!"                                                  "Have you pressed the on button yet?"                              "What on but on?"                                                          "The one on the remote, oh and it's a button, not a but on!"                                                                                      "What's a remote?"                                                      "It's a- oh for heaven's sake, let me do it!"                                                                                                      " What channel do you want?"                                        "Channel? I'm looking for the internet!"                                                                                                           " The internet? Really? You know what? It's time for me to go to work," And with that, Peter left the room.                                                                         "Hi, Peter, Supreme Chief of all the police," Penny said.                                                                              "Nice to see you, Penny, Goddes and Chief of all detectives," Peter said.                                                        "Oh please, that's the best you can do?" Penny said. "Oh please you too!"                                                   "Really? Ugh. We'll finish this after work."                          "Okay, Penny, Go-"                                                    "Don't you even think about it."                                             It was when Peter was walking over to his desk when it all started.                                                     "Hey, I didn't put this here!" Peter cried.                         "A new case?The Charter Breaker? Hmm. This should be interesting."                                                                                                                                                                           Thanks for reading! Hope you like it!                                                                  



GreenKat

4:28pm May 28 2011 (last edited on 7:51pm Jun 29 2011)

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Anyone?



GreenKat

7:53pm Jun 29 2011

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Hello?:(



Fox

11:40pm Jun 29 2011

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XD  Love the Tv bit in the beginning <3



I\'m back.
GreenKat

8:44am Jun 30 2011

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Thanks. Sorry that it looks jumbled up! Should i post chapter 2?



Fox

1:04pm Jun 30 2011

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Sure <3  I'll be here to read ^_^



I\'m back.
GreenKat

8:01pm Jun 30 2011

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Chapter 2 We're on a case, so look in the vase
 
"Let's see, multi-million dollar vase stolen from high security vault at the same time as a billion dollar top-secret model for a dangerous weapon.  Looks like the Charter Breaker is really Charter Breakers," Peter said.
"Hey, Penny, check this out!"
"What?  The new case that's laying on my table?" Penny said.
"Wait, it's on your table, too?"  Peter said.  "This is one serious group of thieves."
"You sure got that right" a voice said.
"Aaaaaah!  I mean, who was that?"  Peter said.  
"Cry baby" Penny muttered.
"It is I, John, the great sidekick and his sidekick Carol," John said.
"Uh, why are you hanging from the celing?" Peter asked.
"Please save all questions until the end," John said.
"Anyway, we heard that the FBI is offering a million dollar prize if anyone can locate and catch the killers before you guys" John said.
"And if we catch them first?" Penny asked.
"We?  That's new!" Peter said.
"Shut up, Peter" Penny said.
"If you guys find them first, you get a free ten-day trip to Miami, Florida."
"Deal!" Peter and Penny said simultaneously.
"Whoa!  We're even agreeing now.  I think you changed over the summer" Peter said.
"Ughhh, men!"  Penny rolled her eyes.
 "Carol, could you untie me?" John said.
"Not until you say my real name" Carl said.
"Okay, Carlos"
"Really?"
"Cinnamon roll!"
"That's not even close!"
"I'm hungry, okay, give me a break!"
  "You're not getting a cinnamon roll until you say my name"
"Fine, Carl, you happy?"
"Yes, yes I am"
"Good!  Now untie me and take me to Cinnabon"
"Wow!  You really weren't kidding about that cinnamon roll."
"No, I was not"
 



GreenKat

9:09am Jul 1 2011

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Kate: Doy you mind telling other people about this post? I'd like more than one person to read it.



GreenKat

1:48pm Jul 1 2011

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Arrow

2:39pm Jul 1 2011

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Kat, the dialogue here is great, but you're not telling the reader anything. You should really start describing scenery or what the characters look like. Depending on how you write, it sets the mood for the piece and gives the place and characters a form. So far, I haven't seen any deions at all and I don't know where the characters are. I get a feel for the character's personalities really well, but I don't see any facial expressions and whatnot. Try adding a lot of deion inbetween all of the chatter. ^^;





hello my name is elder price
GreenKat

8:51pm Jul 1 2011

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Thanks Shadow, I had already written this so i didnt take that much time to  edit anything. Also as for their looks I'm going to leave you free to imagine them but I'll try to be more deive about where they are and whatnot. Thanks!Laughingtle="Laughing" /> Should I post another thread with one of my other stories on it? It's called Detective Shenanigan and the Case of the Missing Geckoes.



GreenKat

7:41pm Jul 2 2011

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Bump Up My Post



GreenKat

8:14am Jul 5 2011

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BumpIt



Twintkitty

9:12am Jul 5 2011

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Too much dialogue that barely tells us anything about the surroundings, characters, etc.



GreenKat

9:34am Jul 5 2011

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Thanks, but I already got that message from shadow



GreenKat

12:08pm Jul 5 2011

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GreenKat

8:54am Jul 6 2011

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GreenKat

4:00pm Jul 6 2011

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To the top



Soulyter

11:06am Jul 8 2011 (last edited on 11:07am Jul 8 2011)

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I think you should add more deion. For example, I'm going to try rewriting a little bit of your story. Keep in mind I don't really know what's going on, so pardon me if I get some details wrong. ;)

"Let's see, multi-million dollar vase stolen from high security vault at the same time as a billion dollar top-secret model for a dangerous weapon.  Looks like the Charter Breaker is really Charter Breakers," Peter said.
"Hey, Penny, check this out!"
"What?  The new case that's laying on my table?" Penny said.
"Wait, it's on your table, too?"  Peter said.  "This is one serious group of thieves."

 

Peter scratched his chin, flipping through the papers that had appeared on his desk during his lunch break. "Let's see," he muttered to himself, "Multi-million dollar vase stolen from a high-security vault at the same time as government blueprints for a billion dollar top secret weapon were taken right from under the noses of seventy-some guards?" He tossed the papers down with a sigh. "Looks like the Charter Breaker is really the Charter Breakers." Just one more clue that was turning out to be more of a problem than a lead.

Just then, Penny returned to her desk nearby. "Hey, Penny, check this out!" Peter said, holding up the case file.

"What?" Penny sighed. "The new case that's lying on my desk?" Peter leaned over to get a closer look at the messy surface of Penny's desk

"Wait, it's on yours, too?" Peter asked in surprise. "This is one serious group of thieves."

 

I think that's what people mean by adding more deion. I hope this helped!





GreenKat

2:13pm Jul 8 2011

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Thanks! I really like your rewrite! So i guess that John was hanging from the cafateria ceiling and Carl was standing on a table next to him, if that helps.



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