Five Vampires...One Werewolf (Please Read? I Need Criticism!)


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fawn

8:38pm May 24 2011 (last edited on 10:20pm May 24 2011)

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It was the time of night when all was black. Nothing moved, and the only light was the eerie silver glow that hung down from the moon.

This only happened once a month. A full moon.

No one dared to leave their beds at this hour. Only one person would ever dare to walk the streets. That person is Moon Stone. No one knows anything about him. About his name. Why he dresses so poorly. About why he walks the streets at this hour. Suddenly Moon raised his hand to his chest, and choked for a few minutes. He finally stopped chocking, and looked at the moon, hung back his head, and let loose a screech-a wolf howl. He fell to the gound and his body suddered. He choked and coughed more until he was finally motionless. But he wasn't a human anymore. Moon was a werewolf.

Moon staggered to his feet. He quickly galloped down the street glancing down at in a piece of paper in his massive paws. "So this the place, huh?" He growled. Moon had promised to meet someone here at the full moon, tonight. After at least five minutes of waiting, he yelled out, "is anyone here? If there is, show yourself!" A flast of light lit up the alley, and a tall thin man walked slowly toward him. His amber eyes sparkled and gleamed with evilness. "Good evening," he smiled. "I see that you could make it. But oh puppy, you've made a mistake." He lunged and Moon with white fangs pointed out of his mouth, and Moon barely managed to dodge. "Wind, you made it, finally," he growled. "I'm not here to fight. Now what do you want?" Wind smirked, and lunged again, his pointed fingernails streched out as much as he could. He aimed for Moon's heart, and hit. Moon fell, but quickly stood back up. Moon galloped at top speed, a dagger in his teeth. He lunged for the heart, and sank it deep in.

Moon smiled as Wind tumbled to the ground. "Spare me." He coughed, spitting out blood. "You're the one who wanted me to come." He laughed. He bent down and took a bite out of his neck. Slowly, hs breathing stopped. Moon waited for about ten minutes, and finally Wind got up again, but he didn't look like a Vampire, just a normal sixteen year old. "You, you..." Moon smiled. Four more.

Info:

There is only five Vampires left in existance. Only one Werewolf. Moon needs to transform the last four Vampires into humans again. Which he can only do by killing them. But the Vampires want to change back the last Werewolf into his self, so that's why Wind "invited" him to the alley. And when Moon said he "Didn't want to fight" he was lying.




paigecam

10:10pm May 24 2011

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Posts: 10,925
I like it, Sona. <3 It's deive, and interesting. I can visualize it clearly. Although there are some grammatical errors (though very few), this would definitely be on my watch list. :D



We fell through the ice when we tried not to slip.

fawn

10:12pm May 24 2011

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Paige: Zank you.

I'm got the best at grammer ^^;;

I'll continue...




fawn

10:20pm May 24 2011 (last edited on 10:14pm Jun 2 2011)

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Moon whipped around, leaving the alley where Wind still lie, shocked. He had four left to go. But it was quite late, and he was quite tired, so he went back to his home-a small shed-like place that was abandonded. He went inside and flopped down on his worn out old mattress, pulling a small thin blanket up to his chin. Then he slowly drifted into sleep...

Moon woke up late on a morning one month after his encounter with Wind, and picked up the second address. It said "2356 Blackstreet". He had cut it out from a address book. It was the next Vampire's, Sun's, address that she chose to fight at. He waited until he was a Werewolf, then began galloping to Blackstreet. It took a long time, but he got there. He soon saw Sun, hanging around the address, which was a closed down Lazer Tag place called Team&Tag. They walked slowly inside, and the battle broke out instantly. The second fight was on!

Sun quickly lunged out from one of the walls, fangs unleashed. She dug them into Moon's shoulder, but he quickly tore them out. The battle was pretty much over when Moon landed an unseahed paw on her heart. She fell and looked up at him with hatred blazing in her eyes. "Jerk!!!" She screeched. But that was all she could say, before dying and becoing human again. Three left. Moon smiled. Three left.




reinabella

1:18am May 25 2011

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Posts: 1,874
Might I offer an opinion? You have a tendency to have a lot of very short sentences. It all seems very stop and go for me, perhaps a bit too staccato. But that might just be your natural rhythm as a writer, which is why I won't call it criticism or any such nonsense.



Alliecat is offline. (◕‿◕✿) and also (ノ^ヮ^)ノ*:・゚’✿,。・:*:❀・゚’❁
fawn

6:30pm May 25 2011

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Rein: I suppose it's like "my style."




fawn

10:15pm Jun 2 2011

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I continued.




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