I'd like opinions on my book plz.


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Zayn

4:31am Jul 27 2010

Normal User


Posts: 700

Melanie stepped warily onto the courts. The sky was already darkening. Heaps of kids were milling around, looking for their friends and keeping a safe distance from those they didn’t know. She raked her eyes over the horde of students, searching. A bright green bag caught her attention and she quickly pushed her way through the jabbering crowd towards it.

“Anton!” She yelled over the noise. “Hey, ANTON!”

The green bag disappeared, and a short boy with longish brown hair turned around to face her. His brown eyes looked puzzled, and his neat dress of an Indigo button-up top and black pants looked somewhat strange on him. Melanie had only ever actually seen him in jeans and a scruffy-looking t-shirt.

His eyes relaxed and his face split into a smile of recognition.

“Mel!” He exclaimed, grinning.

He turned back around and spoke avidly to three boys for a moment. Then he beckoned for Melanie to join them.

Melanie stepped purposefully towards them, buffeted slightly by the many kids around her. With a final lurch of her knees, Melanie weaved around a girl with waist-length blonde hair and slipped between Anton and another boy she didn’t know.

“This is Justin,” Anton said, pointing to the boy on Melanie’s right. “You might remember him, he used to go to Red Lion, but left in year seven.”

Melanie smiled shyly.

“Hello.” She said quietly with a friendly smile.

“Hi,” Justin replied. He had neck-length windswept bronze hair and perfect teeth. He was about five centimetres taller than Melanie.

“And you know Reece and Jacob.” Anton continued, indicating a plump, short boy with curly hair and another beside him with freckles and bad acne.

“Hi Reece, Jacob.” Melanie greeted them, more confident than when she was speaking to Justin.

“Hi Melanie,” Reece said, his multiple chins wobbling as he spoke.

Melanie frowned.

“It’s Mel.” She told him exasperatedly.

Reece blushed. “Sorry, I forgot…” His mumbles faded into silence.

The all stared at each other.

“Well how was your…” Anton started, but he never finished.

A loud whistle sounded shrilly over the babble of a hundred students. Everyone stopped talking and looked up, wondering what had made the noise.

“Students! Please get into lines according to your previous School,” A stout, stern looking woman ordered, speaking into a megaphone so her voice couldn’t possibly be missed.

“Red Lion Intermediate, over here!” Melanie’s previous teacher, Miss. Lichen, was scouring the flock of kids with beady eyes.

She spotted Melanie and waved enthusiastically. Melanie rolled her eyes and trouped over to the growing line in front of Mrs. Lichen. She recognised several faces; Jessica, Daniel and Richard from her old Form Cl*censored*, and Josh and Chris from Maths. Justin waved to her and she waved back, watching him trudge over to the line for Windy Oaks Intermediate.

“Anton, over here!” Melanie hissed, spotting Anton nearby. He was craning his neck, but he didn’t see very far. Most people were taller than him.

Anton heard Melanie’s voice and his eyes flicked around, finally raking over the Red Lion line and spotting her. His face split into an ex
pression of ‘Oh, Right’ and he pelted over.

“Nincompoop.” Melanie whispered.

Anton glanced at her mischievously. “Yes I know I’m looking at one, no need to remind me.” He said with a smirk.

Melanie hit him over the head just as the stern-looking woman blew the whistle a second time.

“Silence!” She screeched.

The hundred or so students in front of her shut up at once.

“Now, when some of us have stopped messing about,” She growled, glaring at a pair of boys from Maple Glade Intermediate who were arm-wrestling, “we can file into the Gym. Orchaeda Intermediate, you can go first.”

A line of girls and boys at the right end of the courts got to their feet and started to walk slowly into a big slab of concrete, which Melanie *censored*umed had a large room inside.

“Fearsong Intermediate!!” The strict teacher barked.

It went on like this for some time, until finally…

“Red Lion Intermediate!”

Melanie got to her feet, lifting her bag onto her shoulder. The Red Lion line shifted forward slowly, moving like a big caterpillar toward the building called the Gym. Melanie could feel the eyes of at least fifty other year nines on her back, and she glanced around nervously.

“Finally!” Anton scowled behind her as they reached a large pair of metal doors.

Melanie followed the backs of Reece and Jacob, the great concrete doorway swallowing them up like an enormous fish.

Melanie edged down a row of seats, relieved when the line eventually stopped moving and she could plonk down onto a hard, plastic chair. She was shaking so hard at that moment she could have been a maraca.

“I wonder if we will be in the same cl*censored*,” Melanie whispered to Anton, Jacob and Reece.

Anton shot me a regretful look. “I highly doubt it.” He said. “I’ll be in Enrichment.”

Melanie sighed sadly.

“Might be in mine,” Jacob muttered. “Not Reece’s though, he’s in Enrichment too.”

Melanie smiled, suddenly thinking of something.

“Well, I hope I’m in Justin’s cl*censored*!” She said, quite loudly.

A few people turned around to look at her. She flushed as Justin’s head flicked around four rows ahead. He grinned at her and gave her the thumbs up, then turned back to the front.

“Lol he heard you!” Reece said.

“I know, embarr*censored*ing!” Melanie mumbled back.

Jacob opened his mouth to say something, but at that moment, a round little man stepped onto a podium about a metre from the first row of students.

“Welcome to Braveheart High School!” He said cheerfully into a microphone.

A few students spoke hurriedly to their neighbours, no doubt commenting on the man’s plump belly. It hung over his belt like a huge water balloon.

“I am Mr. Mandoob, your Principal. You will soon be sorted into your School Houses. But first, a presentation from our Senior Students.”

“Mr. Manboob,” Melanie whispered to Anton, who sniggered and shoved his fist into his mouth.

About twenty sixteen year olds entered the Gym from a side-door, lining up silently on a platform at the back of the Gym. Everyone in front of Melanie was craning their necks, and she couldn’t see.

“Put your heads down!” She nearly yelled.

Everyone turned to stare at her again, and she earned a reproving glare from a teacher prowling the outskirts of the Gym. But Melanie seemed to have given them the message, and most of the students ducked back down.

The seniors were standing with their backs to the students. There was a sudden hush, and somewhere in the depths of the building there was a click, and music started playing.

Melanie recognised the song. It was one she knew well, called Magic. But she couldn’t remember who it was by. The seniors began a dance routine, twirling and sliding to the tune. Melanie felt herself getting bored. The dance was very uncomplicated, not something many would find exciting. The same moves were repeated over and over. Melanie closed her eyes, watching the music video, that she’d seen on C4 countless times, replaying in her head.

“This is retarded.” Anton whispered.

Melanie nodded and opened her eyes. The seniors did this weird spin-drop-twirl thing and the song finished, the last ringing echoes around the stone walls fading away. Melanie clapped dully with the rest and turned her attention back to the tubby man on the podium.

“Thank you for that wonderful performance, Seniors!” The man called happily, turning on the microphone so he could speak normally.

Melanie prepared herself for something boring.

“Now, without further ado, I’d like to introduce Mrs. Flare! She is one of the Deputy Principals of Braveheart. She will sort you into one of the four School Houses, which are Fervida, Idrico, Terra and Aerae. And with that, I’ll let her begin with Fervida!” The little man tottered down the steps of the podium and collapsed into an official-looking armchair beside two other chairs, which Melanie *censored*umed were for Mrs. Flare and another Deputy Principal.

Mrs. Flare stepped onto the podium, and made the microphone a fair amount taller than it has been when Mr. Mandoob had been using it. She cleared her throat, and glanced down at a piece of yellow paper in her hand.

“Fervida house, the house of Fire.” She said.

Her voice was rough, like she had a sore throat or something.

“Please come to the front if your name is called.” Mrs. Flare continued. “Richie Addrew!”

A weedy but very tall boy got to his feet and walked up to the front, his scruffy uniform hanging off him like moss on a tree. He stood in front of the podium, glaring around as if daring anyone to criticise him.

“Lily Astern!”

A girl got up this time, the girl with waist-length blonde hair that Melanie had walked past on the courts. She joined Richie in front of the Podium.

Around twenty-five students were called, and carted out of the Gym by Mrs. Flare. Melanie wondered where they would be going.

Terra House, the House of Earth, p*censored*ed with the only person Melanie really knew leaving being Reece. Jacob and Anton still sat beside her, and she couldn’t help hoping against hope that either one of them or Justin was in the House she was sorted into.

“Aerae House, the House of Air .” Mrs. Flare’s voice blared out of the microphone. “Selena Atkin.”

A girl with brown hair and a bright pink schoolbag wandered up to the front. The Aerae House calling p*censored*ed with nothing much eventful, until…

“Anton McGee!” Mrs. Flare called.

Anton turned slowly to face Melanie. “Well, I’ll see you round.” He said unhappily, and got up.

Melanie watched him slouch up to the podium and stand with the dozen or so students already up there. But that wasn’t all.

“Jacob Moana!” Mrs. Flare said, flipping her paper over.

Jacob glanced at Melanie apologetically and went to join Anton. Melanie felt very self conscious without them and with two spaces of floor on either side of her. She made herself look up at Mrs. Flare and the Aerae House students. Anton gave a small wave as they were led out, and Melanie waved back, her stomach churning. What if knew nobody in her House?

Melanie saw a flicker of movement out of the corner of my eye, and scanned the remaining students. Her spirits suddenly lifted.

Justin was grinning at me, four rows ahead. Melanie smiled, and couldn’t help feeling a whole lot better.

“And obviously, the rest of you are in Idrico House, the House of Water.” Mrs Flare said wearily into the microphone. “Follow me, please.”

Melanie got up and pushed through the remaining students to walk beside Justin.

“Fancy that, eh?” He said.

Melanie laughed. “Awesome.” She was half skipping as Mrs. Flare led them somewhere.

She looked around, taking in the rest of the school. There was a huge computer lab, with at least fifty computers in it. She also spotted a Gymnastics room with ropes, trampolines and everything. It was amazing!

“This school is great!” Melanie exclaimed.

Justin nodded. He seemed deep in thought. Melanie frowned at him.

“Something bothering you?” She asked him.

He looked at me. “Is it that easy to tell?” He sighed. “Yes.” He fidgeted with a zip on his shorts pocket.

Melanie half-smiled. “Well, spit it out!” She said.

Justin grinned. “Why do you have to make everything sound un-serious?”

Melanie stopped dead. “Now I remember you!” She said.

“You didn’t before?” Justin sniggered. “What a pile of dog poo you have for a brain.”

Melanie aimed a hit at him and he ducked, laughing.

“Calm down back there!” Mrs. Flare called to them. They stopped laughing, trying to keep their faces straight.

“We’re here!” Mrs. Flare indicated a large wooden building with a river and a forest painted on it. “Idrico House Common Room. This is where you will be spending most of your time, when you revise, sleep, chat or play.” She glared at Melanie and Justin as she spoke.

They both ducked behind the boy in front of them, giggling.

“Maybe this will be fun after all.” Justin said, surveying the Common Room distastefully. “Except maybe for that, it needs a new paint job.”

Melanie lapsed into another fit of laughter as Mrs. Flare showed them the door into the Building.

“You need identification to get in.” Mrs. Flare explained, putting her left forefinger on a little green button about halfway up the wall.

There was a whirring noise, a beep, and a click. A camouflaged door swung inwardly open. There was an amazed ‘ooooooh’ from the new Idrico students. Justin flicked his hair back.

“Psssht, my bedroom can do that.” He scoffed.

Melanie smiled. “Stop making me want to laugh,” She told him, butting his arm with her shoulder.

Mrs. Flare, meanwhile, had finished her little rant about the Common Room, and was directing them into the open door. Melanie followed a boy with inky black hair, Justin behind her. Up a narrow flight of stairs and down a dimly lit hallway, they finally emerged into a large round room with a fireplace, four tables against the wall, a long blue sofa and several squashy blue beanbags.

“I shall leave you here.” Mrs. Flare said, sticking her head into the room behind the last person. “Make yourselves comfortable…your suitcases are in your dormitories.” And she left.

Melanie turned to Justin. “Well,” She yawned. “I guess I’ll see you tomorrow. Mr. Manboob’s speech was so boring that I half-died inside.”

Justin flashed his perfect teeth at her. “Alright, see you tomorrow.” He mock punched her on the arm and wandered off to the boy’s sleeping quarters.

Melanie watched him disappear down the stairs and went upstairs to the girl’s sleeping quarters. Her bag of clothes, books, entertainment and junk was on a desk beside her bed, next to a grizzly old wardrobe that looked like it was fifty years old, at least. Melanie suddenly realised how tired she was. She flopped onto her bed fully clothed, and within minutes she was fast asleep.

**************

Melanie knew she was awake before she opened her eyes. She lay in her bed for a moment, listening to the birds squawking their morning choir to the world. She hesitated for a few minutes more, then flicked open her eyelids. A few blazing rays of yellow sunlight stretched lazily across the room, reaching out to touch the end of Melanie’s duvet. Melanie could feel them warming her toes through the cotton sheets.

Looking around, Melanie noticed four sleeping girls in beds, each in a selected corner of the room. Melanie pulled her covers off herself and wandered over to her Wardrobe. She opened it and looked in the mirror. Her shoulder-length ash blonde hair was frizzed up like a pile of straw, and a huge zit had decided to bloom on her face overnight.

“Oh, god.” She muttered, prodding the zit with her thumbnail.

It popped and oozed all over her chin. Cursing, Melanie grabbed a tissue from her bedside table and wiped it off. Miraculously, the whitehead had disappeared. All that was left was a slightly red bump. Melanie shrugged. At least she didn’t have to put up with a giant snow-capped volcano on her face, waiting to explode. She smeared some makeup over the remaining redness, just in case.

Melanie tried and failed to brush her hair, putting it up in a pony tail, and scooped her School Timetable off her desk. English, Maths, Science, Art, Drama. She unzipped her bag and pulled out her books. She sifted through them and found the related subjects, stuffing them into her red shoulder-bag.  She pulled on a pair of scruffy jeans, a Twilight shirt and her favourite red sneakers, then pulled her shoulder-bag over her head and left the room.

Seconds later she rushed back in, shoved her pencil case into her bag and left again. There were only about four or five people in the Common Room, talking quietly or doing homework or reading books. Melanie crept in, attracting a few glances. But soon everyone was back to whatever is was they were doing.

Melanie scanned her eyes around the walls and saw a big white clock. It was six forty-seven am. No wonder hardly anyone was up. She walked over to a squishy blue beanbag and plonked herself down in it with a crackle of polystyrene beads. After wriggling around for a bit to get comfortable, Melanie opened her bag and pulled out a book, Eagle Strike. She flicked it open to her bookmark and started to read.

After about half an hour the Common Room was full of jabbering students of all ages, waiting for eight o’clock, the time Breakfast started. Melanie had given up reading, as it was so noisy around her that she couldn’t possibly concentrate on what Alex Rider the teenage spy was doing. She stared blankly at a painting of a dolphin on the wall, lost in her own thoughts, until-

“Mel!” Someone yelled.

Melanie snapped out of her stupor and looked around, startled. Then she spotted Justin striding towards her.

“Oh, hi, Justin. You gave me a fright,” She said.

Justin grinned. “I saw you daydreaming over here,” he said, ruffling his hair idly. “Want to come down to Breakfast? It’s nearly eight and we should probably reserve a table for Anton and the others, or they might eat us.”

Melanie nodded and shoved Eagle Strike back into her bag. Justin held out a hand to help her up and she took it, letting him pull her up.

“You’re light,” He commented.

Melanie shrugged. “I like celery. But let’s go before the stampede kills us and Anton never even gets a chance.”

Justin laughed and led the way across the Common Room. Melanie followed him and they made their way carefully down the narrow spiralling staircase and out of the main door, which shut automatically behind them.

By the time they found the Meal Hall, everybody was already there. Anton, Reece, Jacob and two other boys and a girl were sitting at a table next to a big fridge full of cans of Coke, Sprite, Fanta, L & P and a few other brands of soft drink. Justin wandered over to them and sat down, but Melanie went to get a drink. She opened the fridge door and pulled out a Coke Zero.

“You guys want anything?” She called to Anton and Justin. Anton shook his head, but Justin nodded.

“Yep. I’ll have a Diet Coke please.” He said.

Melanie grabbed one of those, too, and trudged over to their table balancing the cans in one hand as she pulled out a chair next to Justin.

“Here,” She said, placing the Diet Coke in front of him. “What’s the difference between them, anyway? Coke, Coke Zero and Diet Coke all taste the same to me.”

Justin sipped his drink, thinking.

“Well, Diet Coke makes you less fat, and Coke Zero is healthier.” He finally answered.

Melanie scowled. “They say there’s differences. Who’s to say it’s true?” She said huffily.

“Well, you have a point.” Justin reasoned, as a teacher stood up.

The teacher cleared his throat loudly.

“Good morning, students.” He said.

“Good morning, Mr. Brackstone,” The hall full of kids chorused.

“Standard morning procedure,” whispered the girl next to Anton. “Then he says a little speech thing and we get food.”

Mr. Brackstone blabbed something about timetables and cl*censored*es, and next thing there was a deafening scrape as hundreds of people got to their feet and practically ran to get first place in the queue for the Food Counter. Melanie shrugged and drank some more Coke.

“We might as well wait.” Anton said, eyeing the very long and growing line of hungry students reproachfully. “By the way, you guys, this is Floyd and Tom.” He indicated the boys next to Jacob and Reece. “And that’s Charlotte.” He added as an afterthought, nodding his head towards the girl on his right.

Charlotte scowled. “Hi.” She muttered, looking out the window sombrely.

Melanie stared at her. Justin, beside her, was staring at Charlotte, also.

A second later, Melanie felt rather than heard Justin whisper a very rude swear word followed by Charlotte’s name into her ear.

She smiled and started to giggle uncontrollably. Anton, Reece, Jacob, Floyd and Tom turned to look at her.

“What’s so funny?” Jacob demanded. He hated being left out of things.

Melanie stopped laughing and sipped her coke, but halfway through her second sip she burst out laughing again. This caused her to inhale some coke, which came out her nose, and fall off her seat under the table. Justin tried and failed to not laugh at this, and he snorted very loudly. The table beside them all flicked around to see what in the world was going on.

Coughing and spluttering, Melanie emerged, and slid back onto her seat. Even stony-faced Charlotte was smiling half-heartedly.

“Okay, what the heck.” Anton said.

“It’s not my fault stupid things make me laugh,” I protested, shooting an accusing glare at Justin.

Justin covered his mouth with his hand and hurriedly excused himself, saying he was going to the bathroom.

“Well, we might aswell go line up now.” Floyd said.

The line for food wasn’t half as long as it had been. Anton, Tom, Jacob, Reece and Charlotte all stood up and filed over to the kitchens while Melanie stayed to wait for Justin.

that is it so far. :3 COMMENTS PLEASE! And opinions, I would like to see if it's so-far-ness is worthy~

THANKYOU!






Twintkitty

7:05am Jul 27 2010

Normal User


Posts: 1,576

Upon a scale of one to ten, I'd rate a six. Quite well developed, good. But I do not really like unnecessary spacings , like this.

"Hi," she said.

"Hello," he whispered.

You could add more text to the lines, like,

"Hi," she said, blablablabla happened and so on.

you could add more by the different points of view, like this list:

The person's current POV.

Like Melanie was excited to see Anton, for they were best friends and so on.

and secondly,

 “Anton!” She yelled over the noise. “Hey, ANTON!”

 You do not need to use the CAPS LOCK because the exclamation mark already signifies shouting.
 
Thirdly, either it's my braindead, or it's that you did not explain the current event. You could be explaining it in a speech, like, "Welcome, students, to the annual (school event)." or you could explain it like, Melanie was participating in the, let's say, sports day. She'd been training all week for this, and it has finally arrived.
 
No offense :p 
 



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