I don't know what to say any more...I don't know what to do, or even what to think. My whole world is getting flipped on end, my emotions are a rollar coaster with no end in sight, and my mind never stops racing. You fill my thoughts and the mere thought of you make my heart beat faster, even skip a beat sometimes. I can't help how I feel for you even though I know it can never be. I fear I may be in love with you, though I can never, ever have you. You wouldn't possibly be able to accept me as your own, to hold me and care for me as I am...love me the way I love you.
I sit in bed at night thinking of you, wondering what you're doing then, wondering over these strange feelings I have. My stomach clenches when you tell me you're upset, I cry when I know you're hurting and I can't help... I try my best to comfort you, to try to make you smile a smile I can't see...
We are so close, yet we are so very, very far apart. I long to be closer to you, to be able to hug you and hold you tight, to feel the warmth your embrace provides. I want to know how it feels to be pressed against you, hugging you and comforting you when things get hard...but I'll never know. I'll never know the feeling of anything beyond friendship, beyond the bond we have now that I try to hard to cling to, to keep you close to me.
I am terrified of the day that we may grow apart, stop speaking to each other the way so many friends and I have done. It pains me to think about...but I simply cannot help myself. You've been here for me when I've needed you, and you even try to cheer me up when I, too, am crying. There are things, however, no amount of care of gentleness could repair, and that includes the hurt I feel knowing I can never tell you most of this... I jokingly tell you I love you constantly, and you'll say it back...but do you mean it when you say it?
Do you mean it the way I want for you to mean it, the way I pray and hope you'll mean it some day? My heart pounds in my chest as I write this, as I truly think on how I feel for you and everything that has happened. You know more about me than a lot of people do, and I feel closer to you than I do to even my family at times. My thoughts never cease, never cease in tugging at my heart and tryin to get me to try to really figure things out. You haunt my every waking moment, and some nights I've even fallen asleep to thoughts of you and I being just a little closer.
We're friends, just friends, and I know that...but we've grown so close. I've grown so attached to you that I don't think I could ever let you go without there being a hole in my heart, in my very being. I long to reach out to you, to pull you close and hug you tight and never let go. I long to feel your touch, your hand in mine...anything at all. I long to her your voice, to feel closer to you in any way I can. I want to be there for, and with, you.
Knowing you are somewhere out of my reach, hurting and crying, brings me to tears, makes me panic over you. You worry me each time you vanish without warning, terrify me even. I fear losing a friend; losing you. I've told you time and time again that I'm always here for you, and I am, always ready to listen and help you if I can. I want you to laugh again, to smile and wipe away your tears. I want you to know that I want what's best for you; I want you to be truly happy in whatever it is you do. I want you to feel true joy, to feel loved and accepted.
I want you to know that no matter what I may feel, no matter what I know can never be, I'll be here, waiting for you each and every day. I'll be waiting to listen to whatever happened today, or to whatever you dreamt of last night. I'll wait for you for as long as it takes, and I'll steadily help you along the way to your goals, picking you up when you fall.
I know I've told you this hundreds, even thousands of times...but I love you and I will never leave your side for as long as I live. I will never hurt you, or ridicule you, or force you to accept me. I respect you for who you are; love you for who you are. I don't care if you don't return the feelings I have, so long as I can remain at your side and care for you.
When you tell me how upset you are, that you're crying, my stomach flips and churns, and I feel sick knowing how far away I am. I try to make you smile the best I can, and I'm so very sorry for the times it's gone wrong. I can't help trying, however...it's simply in my nature. I want to know the people I care about are happy, and if they aren't happy I want -- no, I need -- to help them.
I don't care if you snap at me, or if you take out whatever you feel on me...I can take it, I promise. If it's for your sake, I can take whatever you throw at me, even if you yell that you hate me. I don't mind...I'll get over it soon enough. You can say anything you want to me and I'll hold it close to me, even if sometimes I joke around and seem to make light of it. I do hope you'll forgive me for the way I feel, for the way I think of you.
Throw anything you want at me and I'll take it...just don't ever leave me. Don't ever let me make you think I don't need you, don't ever assume I'll be better off with you not here...because I won't. It's selfish, I know...but I need you here. I desperately need you with me, because I need help too. I need help coming to terms with these emotions, these simple feelings I have that I simply cannot understand. I need help with the fear I have; the fear of losing everyone I hold dear to me. I don't want to let go, even knowing that I must some day let go and let you move on.
I'm pitiful, I know...I just don't know how to explain it.
Please tell me if you understand, please let me know that you'll allow me to stay with you until you tire of my company...until you finally tire of me. When that time comes, I hope you'll let me know...but even then I'll still be waiting for you.
A promise is a promise....and I promised I'd always be here for you.
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