I'll Critique Your Writing


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Ryuunicorn

9:02pm Jan 9 2013

Normal User


Posts: 5
Hey, my name's Ryuuzaki and I want to critique your work!

I'm new to Res, but I love writing and reading and I have a fair amount of experience with giving constructive criticism.  However, my critiques can be very nit-picky and at times pretty harsh.  I try to be as polite and patient as possible, but I'm also brutally honest.  That's why I've decided to make this thread rather than go about posting my opinion unsolicited.  Please feel free to post a link to your thread or post your work directly here.  I might take a while getting back (I do have a life and writing a thoughtful critique takes time), but bear with me and I'll get to it eventually!

My Stats:
Age: 20
Education: 2 years of college as an English major (subject to change, la la la la)
Criticism Strengths: Fiction, poetry, flow, "believability," word choice
Criticism Weaknesses: Grammar, non-fiction
Sample of My Work:

00:03

in a way, we're all collectors,
gathering knick-knack memories in our minds,
hoarding them
until our heads overflow like curio shops -
dust and snow globes and
falling asleep in a stranger's bed

so, no, i'm not a masochist,
i don't think

i'm just collecting

and your cruelty is lingering
like a moth beneath my dim porch light,
waiting for the bulb to burn out
or to be let in

i may as well get a jar


Note/Disclaimer:
I, like you, am not infallible.  I'm aware that I'm not a perfect writer or a perfect critic.  Of course I will make mistakes.  Of course we will disagree.  In the end, it's up to you as the author to decide whether what I say is of any value and to use or disregard any advice I might give you as you please.  In spite of that, I will always do my utmost to give you the best critique I am capable of giving.

That said, please feel free to post anything, anytime. uwu
Poe

9:24pm Jan 9 2013 (last edited on 9:25pm Jan 9 2013)

Normal User


Posts: 5
edit: didn't know I had to post to subscribe to a thread. It's just me though, SO I GET A PASS.
maxmax

5:34am Jan 13 2013

Normal User


Posts: 270
Here's my writing:

I ran,
the ancient jewel pendant in my hand swinging madly at my every stride. The
museum was a big place, there were three stories, and unfortunately I was on
the top floor. The security guards were chasing me, hot on my tracks as I
darted around the guillotine, the beautiful, old dresses, the awesome, fake
monkeys in their fake environments and the peculiar buoy. They were just doing
their job, keeping anyone from stealing from their museum, what they 
didn't know was that this pendant wasn't theirs but mine, it was them who took it away
from me in the first place, and in my desperate attempt to get it back this is
what it has come to.



The
pendant is special it was passed down from generation to generation and finally
to me, our family are the guardians of this pendant which was created long ago
and captured the souls of three terrifying demons inside of it, our job is to
protect this pendant and not let it get into harm’s way, even if it cost us our
lives. I see the stair case up ahead, leading down to the second floor, almost
at the bottom I thought to myself and shook my head in annoyance as the
security guards came closer still, hurtling themselves down the stairs like a
pack of wild baboons.  Courageously I
leapt down into the next room; it was a large one with a very high ceiling,
covered with big and small skeletons of dinosaurs and ancient creatures being
held up by big metal cables. I heard the guards behind me, they were shouting
and stomping their feet as they ran, they knew they had no time to leisure
around.



One of
them wasn’t looking were he was going and slammed straight into the wall. The
impact was extraordinary; the man must’ve been unconscious after that. Suddenly
a trembling sound came from above, the tonnes of skeletons on the roof were
falling down everywhere, and the security guards’ faces were alight with shock
and fear, as was mine. It didn’t know what was going to happen now; I almost
screamed as giant rib fell right behind me, instead I ran. I ran toward the row
of windows which were looming ahead of me and before a mammoth tusk squished me
to the ground like a bug I jumped.



The glass shattered
around me and stung my skin like a thousand bees. I fell from that second story
window and it felt like the whole world was in slow motion, the security
guards, the museum and the air rushing past my eyes. I land to the ground and
feel my ankle twisting; I don’t have time to cry, instead I run down the street
out of sight, the pendant still rocking wildly in my hands. When I get around
the side of an alley way street, I fall to my knees and try to breath.



I felt
like an idiot, it was my fault this pendant had gotten lost in the first place.
A week ago I had somehow dropped it on my way to the store; some passer byer
must have picked it up and brought it to the museum. I checked over the pendant
more closely. The pendant is made of a dark silver metal which encloses three
different jewels, one for each of the demons trapped inside. All of the jewels
were unscathed, phew, I thought to myself. In all my panic I had forgotten all
about my painful injures. I looked down at my shredded clothes and my skin which
was full of glass and grimaced at the pool of blood around me.



Suddenly I
heard a loud siren going off; great they had to get the police into this as
well didn’t they. I had to get home; I knew my younger brother and my mentor would
be there waiting for me. I ran back up the street and tried not to be noticed.
The wounds in my body hurt a lot more than they did before and the fact that I
was being chased by a police car did not help me at all. I zigzagged from
street to street, jumped over fences but still the car was able to keep a hold
on me. I felt like superman, leaping over my obstacles, if only life were as
easy as just jumping over everything in your path.



I raced
down the street, but somehow I stumbled and landed somewhere. I could feel
something piercing through my stomach, and oh my how it hurt and I was just
down the road from our house I thought sadly. The police hadn’t seen me take
this plunge and I heard the last of the sirens going off into the distance, how
much blood had I lost? I didn’t know but my heart felt like it was pounding
louder and louder. My breathing felt almost choked and unbearable, I took one
last look at the jewels and I knew I had done my best to protect it.



I slowly
closed my eyes but in the distance I heard my brothers little voice, sounded
worried and so he should be, when he reached me I grabbed his hand and placed
the pendant softly into his fingers. “Look after it well,” I managed to croak.
I slowly feel my eyes closing, I can’t feel the pain anymore and I think that’s
a good thing. I dream about my dead parents, I would be able to see them now.
With that last thought I smiled and I felt my soul drifting away. I had done my
duty and I was glad. Then it was black, just like I always knew it would be.



Suddenly
my world became lighter, I opened my eyes, where was I? How much time had
passed? I looked up and only saw white. Was this heaven, an endless plain of
pure whiteness? But then I heard the voice, “mentor, mentor he’s awake!” It was
the voice of my little brother. I instantly jerked up my body; the whiteness
was just the roof! I looked over at my mentor and gave him a thankful look. He
had saved my life so that I could carry on my mission, and I would do it to the
fullest. The only regret I had was that now I wouldn’t be able to see ma and da
again. Then again I knew that day would come. But for now I would be staying in
the land of the living.




My imaginary friend thinks you have mental problems.
Ryuunicorn

1:01pm Jan 13 2013

Normal User


Posts: 5
Specific Critique: (my edits to the text are in red)

I ran, the ancient jewel pendant in my hand swinging madly at my every stride.

"jewel pendant" feels redundant, I'd get rid of "jewel"

The museum was a big place: there were three stories and, unfortunately, I was on the top floor. The security guards were chasing me, hot on my tracks as I darted around the guillotine, the beautiful old dresses, the awesome, fake monkeys in their fake environments and the peculiar buoy. 

"awesome" is a really weak adjective and sounds awkward and unnecessary here.  also, what is  "the peculiar buoy?"  try listing something more universally found in museums instead.  either that, or make it "a peculiar buoy," but tell us what about it is peculiar

They were just doing their jobs, keeping anyone from stealing from their museum. What they didn't know was that this pendant wasn't theirs, but mine. It was them who took it away from me in the first place, and in my desperate attempt to get it back this is what it had come to.

the last line is awkward. I'd swap it around to be "and this is what it had come to in my desperate attempt to get it back." 

The pendant is special. It was passed down from generation to generation of my family and finally to me. We are the guardians of this pendant which was created long ago and captured the souls of three terrifying demons inside of it. 

this last sentence is awkward and has too much crammed into it. break it up.  who created it? why did they need to? who captured the souls? consider: "and used to capture the souls of three terrifying demons."

Our job is to protect this pendant and not let it get into harm’s way, even if it costs us our lives. 

why does it have to be out of harm's way?  if the demons are terrifying, wouldn't it be better to destroy the pendant and their souls?  what happens if the pendant is harmed? is that really what has to be prevented?

I see the staircase up ahead, leading down to the second floor. 

Almost at the bottom, I thought to myself, and shook my head in annoyance. 

why is he annoyed? he's almost out, shouldn't he be relieved or happy? is there something else going on that's annoying him?

The security guards came closer still, hurtling themselves down the stairs like a pack of wild baboons.  Courageously, I leapt down into the next room. It was a large one with a very high ceiling covered with big and small skeletons of dinosaurs and ancient creatures held up by big metal cables. 

try to avoid vague phrases like "large one." large what?  or just get rid of "one."

I heard the guards behind me: they were shouting and stomping their feet as they ran. They knew they had no time to loiter around.

the guards knew? do you mean "i knew i had no time?"

One of them wasn’t looking where he was going and slammed straight into the wall.

this is a little random and seems unlikely

The impact was extraordinary; the man must’ve been unconscious after that. Suddenly, a trembling sound came from above. The tonnes of skeletons on the ceiling were falling down, and the security guards’ faces were alight with shock and fear, as was mine.

wait did they start falling because the man hit the wall?  how large was this man!? it seems really improbable that skeletons that you've described as being "held up by big metal cables" could fall from someone running into a wall. has something else caused the skeletons to fall? make the cause a little clearer and think about what would realistically happen.

I didn’t know what was going to happen now. 

unnecessary, either it's obvious he wouldn't know or "no duh, things are going to fall"

I almost screamed as a giant rib fell right behind me. Instead, I ran. I ran toward the row of windows which loomed ahead of me and, before a mammoth tusk squished me to the ground like a bug, I jumped.

The glass shattered around me and stung my skin like a thousand bees. I fell from that second story window and it felt like the whole world was in slow motion, the security guards, the museum and the air rushing past my eyes. I landed on the ground and felt my ankle twisting. I didn’t have time to cry. Instead, I ran down the street out of sight, the pendant still rocking wildly in my hands. When I got around the side of an alley way street, I fell to my knees and tried to breathe.

watch your tenses. you start to slip into present tense here.

I felt like an idiot. It was my fault this pendant had gotten lost in the first place. A week ago, I had somehow dropped it on my way to the store. 

really!? is that really likely? an ancient pendant containing the souls of demons that his family has been protecting for generations and he just LOSES it on the way to the shop?? considering that he soon almost dies to save it, i don't think this would happen.

Some passerby must have picked it up and brought it to the museum. 

also unlikely - imagine you find a jewel-encrusted pendant on the sidewalk one day. aren't you more likely to take it to a pawn shop for some $$$ or, if you're a good person, to the police station because someone obviously lost it?

and how did the narrator know the pendant was in the museum? if it was on display, how did he go about retrieving it before the chase scene? not telling us just feels like "cheating."

I checked over the pendant more closely. The pendant is made of a dark silver metal which encloses three different jewels, one for each of the demons trapped inside. 

is the pendant made of dark silver or is it made of a metal that is silver in color? either axe "silver" or "metal," having both words confuses the deion

All of the jewels were unscathed.

Phew, I thought to myself.

redundant, of course if you think you are thinking to yourself

In all my panic I had forgotten all about my painful injures. I looked down at my shredded clothes and my skin, which was full of glass, and grimaced at the pool of blood around me. 

Suddenly I heard a loud siren going off. 

Great, they had to get the police into this as well, didn’t they? 

duh! you just stole from a museum!!

I had to get home; I knew my younger brother and my mentor would be there waiting for me. I ran back up the street and tried not to be noticed. The wounds in my body hurt a lot more than they did before and the fact that I was being chased by a police car did not help me at all. I zigzagged from street to street and jumped over fences, but still the car was able to keep a hold on me. I felt like Superman, leaping over my obstacles. If only life were as easy as just jumping over everything in your path.

I raced down the street, but somehow I stumbled and landed somewhere. I could feel something piercing through my stomach, and, oh my, how it hurt. 

"somehow I stumbled and landed somewhere" - what? this is so vague and it's such an important moment! this is extremely anti-climactic and really weird. after all that trouble, the thing that gets him is tripping and accidentally getting impaled by something we don't even get to see?  the "oh my, how it hurt" falls flat, sarcastic, and emotionless because we don't have any idea what's going on or why we should care.

And I was just down the road from our house, I thought sadly. 

The police hadn’t seen me take this plunge and I heard the last of the sirens going off into the distance

How much blood had I lost? I didn’t know, but my heart felt like it was pounding louder and louder. My breathing felt almost choked and unbearable. I took one last look at the jewels and I knew I had done my best to protect it.

except you lost it when you popped around the corner to get a soda from the grocery store!

I slowly closed my eyes, but in the distance I heard my brother's little voice, sounding worried. And so he should be. When he reached me, I grabbed his hand and placed the pendant softly into his fingers.

how can he see his brother's hand to put the pendant in it if his eyes are closed?

“Look after it well,” I managed to croak. 

I slowly felt my eyes closing. 

you already closed his eyes in the paragraph before last

I couldn't feel the pain anymore and I thought that was a good thing. I dreamt about my dead parents. I would be able to see them now. With that last thought, I smiled and felt my soul drifting away. I had done my duty and I was glad. Then it was black, just like I always knew it would be.

Suddenly, my world became lighter. I opened my eyes. Where was I? How much time had passed? I looked up and only saw white. Was this heaven, an endless plain of pure whiteness? But then I heard a voice: 

Mentor, Mentor, he’s awake!” 

It was the voice of my little brother. I instantly jerked up my body. The whiteness was just the ceiling! I looked over at my mentor and gave him a thankful look. 

that seems like a pretty weak response to waking up and seeing your loved ones after thinking you were going to die. you turn and give them a "thankful look?"

He had saved my life so that I could carry on my mission, and I would do it to the fullest. The only regret I had was that now I wouldn’t be able to see Ma and Da again. Then again, I knew that day would come. But for now I would be staying in the land of the living.

Okay, so that's the specific stuff.  There are a couple places where I just deleted words or punctuation and I obviously can't put those in red so just be aware and read carefully.  If you have any questions, let me know and I'll do my best to answer or clarify.  I'll put my overall critique in the next post, but that might take a while.  Thanks in advance for your patience.



Ryuunicorn

1:20pm Jan 13 2013

Normal User


Posts: 5
Overall, I think you have a good start, but I'm not sure what it's a start to.  The reader is left with lots of questions about who the narrator is, why we should care about them, what kind of world he's living in, and what's going on.  Why has he been trusted with this pendant if he's just going to lose it?  Why does he need a mentor?  Does the pendant have some other power we haven't been told about?  Etc. etc.  This may be because this is a beginning to a longer story, but if not, there is a lot of information being excluded that the reader will want to have.

In terms of pacing and flow, the plot moves too quickly for the reader to keep up emotionally.  That is to say, you introduce a character and then immediately almost kill him off before we even know anything about him or his personality.  The result is that what should be a serious, sad moment - him placing the locket in his brother's hand - only comes across as melodramatic and a little silly, especially considering the vagueness of what actually happened in this moment.

As I've pointed out in specific places in the last post, your plot has a lot of holes in it that need filling.  Try planning things out more thoroughly before you begin writing.  Always double check yourself - is this happening because it's realistic, or because it's convenient for the plot and characters?

Your largest stylistic problem is run-on sentences.  You have a lot to say and you try to cram it all into one line.  Break things up into single, independent ideas.  It's okay to have two connected by the proper punctuation, but your sentences shouldn't be overflowing with four or five independent thoughts.

The plot itself is a little tired and cliched.  An magical family heirloom in the hands of a teenage (I'm assuming, you don't actually tell us, but it seems that way from his actions) protagonist who presumably must fight the forces of evil.  Sigh.  I'm sure with some careful work you can make it unique, but just from this piece of writing, I can't help but think, "Been there, done that."

You do have some good material here, though: there are some great deions and you've done a good job dropping us straight into the action.  Keep working at it.  This just feels like a really rough first draft.
srsmith

11:50pm Jan 22 2013

Normal User


Posts: 139
He followed her, her beauty intoxicating him, drunk with her lavender scent. She giggled and ganced over her shoulder with innocent blue eyes, her rosy lips parting into a smile. She spun in circles, her floral-print skirt fanning out around her, and laughed sweetly.

She dashed ahead of him, stripping off her clothes as she went. He chased after her, stumbling over rocks, racing to keep up. She was playing a provocative game of "catch me if you can,". 

They reached a cliff overlooking a crystal-blue lake. The bottom was clearly visible. The sunlight glinted off of tiny silver fish. She was down to her matching black bra and underwear with pink polka-dots. Her tawny locks cascaded around her her golden shoulders like a river of honey. She twirled a strand of blonde hair around her finger and seductively bit her lip.  He took a step toward her and she took one step back, giving him a teasing smile.

She stopped just at the edge and beakoned him with her finger. Then, she turned and performed a perfect swan-dive into the cool, turquoise water. Her head popped to the surface almost immediately. She waved him down and giggled agan. He didn't worry about his clothes and just dove , not near as gracefully as she, into the water. 

When he came up she playfully splashed him with  water. He splashed back and she ducked under, narrowly missing the spray. She reappeared just behind him, her laugh giving her position away. He turned to face her and she looped her delicate hands around his neck. 

She staired into his hazel eyes and ducked under aqain, taking him with her. She quickly surfaced but held him under. He thrashed violently  but she was impossibly strong. Her claw-like hands squeezed his throat. Her eyes were all black, and her once beautiful smile was replaced by a savage snarl filled with razor sharp teeth.

When he stopped moving  she puled him up and ripped at his neck with her shark teeth. Blood stained the water like spilled ink. She dragged his dead body to the pebbly shore and hid him in a small copse of trees for later. Her monster features dissappeared and she gently picked up her clothes. She slipped them on and started up the dirt trail that led back to where the dead boy started following her. At the end she met another gawking boy and led him to the cliff. 



\r\n
\r\n
Arrow

7:40pm Jan 27 2013

Normal User


Posts: 3,828
I wrote this piece a while ago, but I still find myself coming back to it.
It seems...dull and unfinished. Some parts can be spiffed up and although I've made more than ten drafts of it already over the past couple of years, I can't seem to make up my mind about what's wrong with it. /rambles
I like honest critiques, as they're more beneficial than sugar-coating anything. It'd be wonderful if you could do this for me and whack me hard. <3
Thank you. 

http://www.rescreatu.com/forum/cat/arts/writing/so-i-039-m-like-uber-bored-/~page/1/





hello my name is elder price
neomaemae

12:25pm Feb 7 2013 (last edited on 12:28pm Feb 7 2013)

Normal User


Posts: 2,503
Oh, yes! This is what I need.
Please:





























Once upon a time, in a land that was sunny and dry and
grassy, there lived a twelve-year old girl. Her name was Katarina, but she
disliked the full name, and she always asked everyone to call her just Kat for
short. Her hair was black, long and curly, with golden highlights, seeming to
illuminate her face. She always played around, and she made a green dye for her
hair out of grass which she used all the time. The dye made her seem organic
and growing all the time, which of course she was. Her eyes were an olive
green, a sparkle in them that you seldom found. Her skin was a darker, rich
brown, a strong tan, and freckles dotted her body. She always wore her favorite
scarf, a worn and old orange-red  wool scarf, and she wore it whenever she could. A few
stubborn grown-ups still called her Katarina, but she just ignored them, and
always said her name was Kat. She lived in a large, old house. The house was
all white, with brown touches to it, and Kat loved it. She felt as if it
listened to her when she thought. The house was enchanting, seeming to smother
you up in the history of people and animals that were there before Kat. It
seemed to sing to you, listen to you, be your friend. And of course, there it
always was. There were carvings, which were old  and golden-brown, with pictures of horses, mermaids, animals
and humans, fantastical and normal. And that was what completed the beautiful
house. The house sat in Utah. It was said that a mysterious man name Roger
Alleman built that house with dreams of making it into a small hotel, but
financial issues crippled his dream. He then sold his beautiful house to a
family, and they sold it to another, and so on and so forth, until, Alleman had
forgotten about his old-fashioned house that was built in 1965. Noone knew if
Alleman was still alive, for he moved to his native country, France, after he
sold the house.

 



 



However, Kat and her family, the Hauk family, planned to
live in the house until their last day; it was a beautiful, homely house. They
didn’t have any intention of leaving. Why would they? The family didn’t know
why anyone would ever want to leave. They, especially Kat, felt a small
connection to the beautiful house. Kat was an adventurous girl, curious by all
means, and brave too, and that is one of the reasons they chose the house. The
last family who lived in the house said they thought it was “creepy, those
hidden compartments, ne’er found most o’ ‘em.” So when they saw the house, and
toured it, A 9 year old Kat begged her parents to buy the house so she could
find all the compartments. She had only found three before, all empty and dusty,
and today was a Saturday, and her parents were at a conference.  So Kat found herself peering in
cupboards and cabinets and knocking on walls. After an hour, she got bored of
it, and went up to her room, which was the highest room, next to the attic. She
looked out of the big window and stretched on the floor. She looked up at the
ceiling and saw all the carvings she had done with her old pocketknife, in the
hopes of improving her skills of drawing. She smirked when she saw her latest
ones, of her and her cat, both of which looked like giant noodles with faces. She,
a bit drowsily, crawled over to her pile of blankets, fluffy and squishy, and
settled down, still looking up at her terrible carvings. And soon, she fell
asleep, drifting into the land of Nod...



 



Kat ran across the
dreamy meadow, leaping gleefully, rolling in the grass. But then, she came to
the border of a dark forest. She swallowed her fear and charged on, remembering
that is was just a dream.  She
charged into the forest. All was quiet, dark and midnight blue. A man, shadowed
by a shimmering black cloak, clothed in red, orange and black, was striding
towards her. She gulped and tried to talk. He held up his hand, and clenched
her throat. She tried to scream, but couldn’t, the iron grip weakening her
voice. The voice seemed to tear at her mind, willing her to tell him secrets
that she didn’t know she knew... The house! She thought. He wants something in
the house. The voice of the stranger, still clawing at her mind, rasped at her,
“ Ah, yes little girl, true. Tell all the secrets of the house. You know. And
you may tell me. Ah, yes, now is the time, when you may tell all you know...
for I, when I know may find what I seek, what I need, what I want. The place,
you know of it, do you not?” Kat shook her head forcefully. She managed to
whisper, “I don’t know anything! Let go...” the man shook his head and said,
“no, not yet. You don’t know where you are, do you. This isn’t just a dream,
Katarina. It’s reality. You know it’s true, don’t you. I will deal with you,”
He pointed a gnarled black and orange finger at her, “later.” He faded away to
a whisper of a darkness and Kat gasped with relief. The ground was cracking,
splitting, steaming. She screamed again and again. The ground opened up a huge
hole and swallowed her up, eyes peering out of the enormity. Her scream echoed
and echoed and echoed... She couldn’t erase it from her mind... now heat,
terrible heat... slimy slithering worms writhing on her feet, darkness, red,
glow, death...



 



 



 



Kat woke up with a start. Her eyes snapped open; her neck
was hurting and burning, as if a great weight was on it. She had broken out in
a cold sweat. She wondered how her neck was hurting... if it had just been a
dream... She then saw a pair of large, inquisitive yellow eyes staring at her.
She laughed with relief, still shaking from the nightmare she had just
experienced. It was just her black cat, Amar. Amar meant immortal, in an Indian
language. Amar was purring in his raspy voice, and sitting very happily, on her
neck. She chuckled. “Oh, Amar. It WAS just a dream. I always do that. Come on,
let’s keep looking for those secret compartments.” Amar meowed and leaped into
her arms. She put him in the pocket of her brown, fuzzy jacket. Amar squished
into position and seemed to salute Kat. He poked his small, black head out and
purred. “Stop it, Amar! That tickles!” Kat’s shock of the strange dream
disappeared and she forgot all about it.


And that's just a tiny bit of it! I hope you get the time to critique it, I really need some help lol.









psalm 103:12 |-/
neomaemae

2:57pm Feb 19 2013

Normal User


Posts: 2,503
Bump?



psalm 103:12 |-/
Ryuunicorn

11:51pm Mar 8 2013

Normal User


Posts: 5
Hey woop woop I'm still alive!  Sorry I haven't responded to most of these yet!  Things in my life got pretty hectic.  Starting tomorrow I'll have time to work on critiques, so hopefully I'll be able to reply to all of you (including those of you who mailed me) within the next week or so.  Sorry this has taken so long and thanks for your patience!!!
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