No Future - Please Critique


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Sawtistic

12:27pm Dec 10 2009 (last edited on 10:07pm Dec 14 2009)

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My hand shook as my put the bottle to my lips and took a sip. This stuff is nasty, but if I don't do it, I won't have any friends. I thought to myself, so I took another swig.

"Quit hogging Jen, geez. Share the wealth." said Jayda slurring her words, "You've had more than all of us" So I handed her the bottle. She drank some, handed me the bottle and said, "Finish it" so I did.

That was years ago, I'm 16 and a junior in high school. Once again I take a drink from the bottle. I am now immune to the taste, for I have had it so often. I still don't like having to drink, but being drunk out of my mind is better then facing life. Leaning against the wall with Jayda, I speak to the group for the first time in months.

"What is the point of this guys?"

 

((gotta go))

 
Perfectedflaw

5:07pm Dec 11 2009

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Posts: 73
wow! depressing, but Very good. Where Jayda talks isn't really smooth, so I'd work on fixing that up so it flows just a little nicer. I can't wait to read the end, or the rest of the story. that little bit you gave was still really true to reality, and really made me feel for the main character. That's a good sign of forming the character's personality. :) Good luck!


sup
NightmareDream

9:28pm Dec 11 2009

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Posts: 1,551
Wow, I really like that. You need to make new paragraphs when somebody else talks though and make sure you're careful with your pronouns to make sure that people don't get confused...*feels like grammar teacher* Well that's it. :) I really liked it.
Sawtistic

9:59pm Dec 14 2009

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Posts: 2,842
Jayda is supposed to be talking choppilym she's drunk. XD *feels like is being taught* thats waht I call bad grammar
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