Odds and Ends - [critique?]


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Twintkitty

9:32am May 25 2011

Normal User


Posts: 1,576

  Astraea

  What was I doing here?

  This place was dusty. I could see the dust motes in the air, visible in the dim ray of the morning sunlight peeking into the room . It looked like a jail cell - the only opening visible was a rectangular opening with bars across it vertically. I could hear a cat purring , satisfied, followed by a short , worried chirp. Breakfast, I assumed.

   I wasn't alone, I realized.

 

(gtg ;c continuing.) 




GreenKat

8:00am May 30 2011

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Posts: 3,163
I like it! If only someone would read mine... You know, Every Clue is a Mystery Too!



bitowurd

7:20pm May 30 2011

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Posts: 121

Concrit - watch your word repetition.  You use 'dusty' and then 'dust' (maybe just motes would do?) and then opening and opening again.  It took me a sec to gather that a cat outside of her jail-cell had killed a bird, so perhaps more deion on where the sound is coming from and what she can/can't see would be in order.  Is the cat outside the door or the window, for example?  Can she not tell?

 

Good stuff - an interesting start, especially since she doesn't seem to know why she's been put into her cell at the moment.  I'm curious to see how it is that she isn't 'alone'.  ^_^




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