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SugarRush

4:39pm Jan 9 2010 (last edited on 1:39am Jan 18 2010)

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Posts: 1,707

I ran through the forest. As I did so, I could hear the crunch of freshly fallen leaves as I stepped upon them, The lonely male birds longing for a mate and the whistle of the wind filled my ears. I stopped running as I reached the pond.

"Ah, yes..." I said to myself. "The mating pond," I sat on my haunches and waited for a lonely female wolf to accompany me. I howled for a female to notice me here. I heard a rustling sound from within the bushes. I turned around to see a white wolf before me. Her scruffy white tail brushed against the bush.

"Why Hello there," She said.

"h-Hi," I studdered

She giggled. I could see that innocent look in her eyes. She walked toward me slowly, But her stride seemed like she was eager not to look rushed. She smiled again. I smiled back. What if she doesn't like me? What if she isn't the one who had anwsered me plee for a mate, I thought, Scared. I shuddered.

"Sooo...."  I muttered, Nervously. She looked at me lovingly and sat next to me. She mimicked my words.

"Sooo...." She gazed blankly at the trees to our left. Her face very stern. I followed her gaze, Suddenly doing the exact thing. I pricked up my ears to listen for any ominous sounds. CRACK! I heard aloud cracking sound. A man is in the woods, I thought.

I said the words in my mind aloud "A man, A man is in the woods," She looked at me worried. Then her face brightened up.

"Follow me. Quickly, come along," She said as I followed her through the vegatation. We went very deep in the woods. Soon I was a bit frightened. A small drop of water landed on my snout. Then another on my back, then another then another. I sighed, It was raining. 

"Where are we going?" I asked anxiously. She paused a moment. She turned her head slightly and looked forward again. She sighed, as I did a few moments ago.

"We are going to see my pack," She said annoyed. My eyes widened with shock.

"What?!" I shouted, loud enough for terrified birds to fly away.

"You heard me," She laughed.

"B-But, Why?" I stammered

"If we are to be safe from man it is nessary."  She said no longer laughing. She was not displaying any sign of happiness in her tone nor her face. Her pace faster every minute.

"B-b-but What if they don't accept me?" I asked worried.

"Why would they need to?" 

"Well, Because...You met me at the Mating Pond. Where young wolves find their mates..." I said. She looked at me, Her face perplexed. I sighed.

"What?" She asked, still confused.

"It's where a boy wolf waits for a girl wolf who likes him. Then they fall in love and have pups." I said, trying to break it down slowly for her. She rolled her eyes at me.

"You mean where we met?" She asked. I nodded.

"I wasn't looking for a mate," She said. I paused for a moment, my body not moving at all. I was trying to process her words.

"You don't like me?" I said trying to keep my tears inside, Where they belonged. She slowly nodded.  I shook my head.

"Why?" I said.

"Sorry," She said embaras.sed. I stopped and backed up a bit. I watched her walk on, not noticing I was still behind. I panted dispite the coldness of the rain. I trotted back to her side determined not to talk to her. She looked at my with apoligetic eyes. Sorry, apparently you don't know the meaning of love. I thought to myself as I turned my head away from her. She groaned. 

"What can I do to make it up to you?" She asked annoyed. I growled lightly at her.

"Well, I never learned your name," She said, Trying to make conversation.

"Skah,"

"Skah?" She asked. "My name Auelu, I am truly sorry,"

" Fine than, Auelu," I said. " If you didn't love me, Than why? Why, did you lead me off into this part of the forest. I have never been here in my ENTIRE life!!" She sighed.

"Well, The truth is I'm supposed to meet MY mate here whenever man finds me," My mouth dropped open. A tear silently rolled down my cheek. Sucking in my tears, I began to speak again.

"What were you doing at the mating pond if you already have a mate? That is like breaking the wolf code right there,"  She sighed and was silent for a moment.

"Well?"

"You really want to know the truth?" She asked. I nodded slowly, Perplexed.

Opinions are needed...




C:
Nouveau

4:47pm Jan 9 2010

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Posts: 2,962
Are you looking for critique?  I could point out a lot, but I can wait to do so.  xD  It's a nice beginning to a story, but maybe try to lengthen it out a bit.






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SugarRush

4:54pm Jan 9 2010

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Posts: 1,707

Yes lola point out how I can be better XD I'm just a kid so I'm not much a writer but I wanna be one




C:
Nouveau

5:01pm Jan 9 2010

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Posts: 2,962

Okay, then.  :3  Tell me if I ramble too much.

First off, your first sentence sounds like a run-on.  Instead of writing this:

"I ran through the forest as I did so I could hear the crunch of freshly fallen leaves as I stepped upon them, The lonely male birds longing for a mate and the whistle of the wind fill my ears."

 

Try putting more periods in your sentences, like this:

"I ran through the forest. As I did so, I could hear the crunch of freshly fallen leaves as I stepped upon them.  The lonely male birds longing for a mate and the whistle of the wind filled my ears."

The red is what's edited.

Also, you usually start a new paragraph when someone's talking, or when another begins to talk.







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SugarRush

5:08pm Jan 9 2010

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Posts: 1,707
Thanks Lola! :D



C:
Nouveau

5:19pm Jan 9 2010

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Of course.  ;D






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SugarRush

8:02pm Jan 12 2010

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Posts: 1,707
Bump D:



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shadowrider

7:07pm Jan 13 2010

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Posts: 2,440

More please? mehheh.. I point out.. the length is short( I know its probly supposed to be)) at first It wasnt clear to me he was a wolf I thought it was some hybrid human that could speak wolf and some female that was like gunna eat him...

Then again I have a big imagination so it may be just me.

I also thought he was a bird in the beginning XD

idk just pointing it out X3




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SugarRush

9:41pm Jan 13 2010

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Posts: 1,707
Lol Shadow XD it's not finished, that's why it is short.



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SugarRush

7:13pm Jan 14 2010

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bump



C:
Twilight

6:06pm Jan 15 2010

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i like it,



SugarRush

6:27pm Jan 15 2010

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Posts: 1,707
Thanks Twi :D



C:
Nouveau

7:01pm Jan 15 2010

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I just read the rest of it, and there are a few more things I might point out, but won't unless you'd like me to.  xD  Sorry for being such a grammar-Nazi.  :P  It's a wonderful story, though, and I could really feel for the character when she said that she didn't love him.  <3  Great work.






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SugarRush

11:44pm Jan 15 2010

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Posts: 1,707
I know there are a some grammar mistakes...that's only becuase I was too lazy to fix them, but 'kay....Go ahead...No permission Needed.



C:
Nouveau

10:11am Jan 16 2010

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xD  I don't want to pester you, though.  o3o  I'll just point out that you don't need to capitalize something after a comma.  ;D






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SugarRush

1:09pm Jan 16 2010

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o_o *goes to fix Stuff* I'm so retarted. lol



C:
Nouveau

6:11pm Jan 16 2010

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No, no, no.  o_o  You are very smart, Sugar!  *hugs* Never forget that.






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SugarRush

9:08pm Jan 16 2010

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Aww *hugs lola* Thanks :D



C:
SugarRush

1:40am Jan 18 2010

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BUMP :D



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Sianinator

7:40am Jan 18 2010

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Posts: 274
nice



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