really short horror stoy =) ( my first lol)


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gvgbuddy

10:03pm Mar 11 2011 (last edited on 12:09pm Mar 12 2011)

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Posts: 36

i would like to know if there is any mistakes ( i do not have microsoft word on this computer) and what you think about it because it is my first short story  =)

 

It's been ten years now since the vampires came out of hiding. At first they attacked, ate, and killed any one they saw but after we were outnumbered by them, they captured who they could and treated us like animals .
Most of us who got away were captured sooner or later . Now, for all we know, we are the last twenty three free humans in the world .We came here in rural missouri hoping there were less vampires in smaller groups and humans to free so we could gain numbers.
Yes, there are less groups of zombies here, but there are still few humans. The vampires seem smarter here.
As i scouted looking for a base,
today i came upon a secure house. I looked through the house and made sure it was safe and so I could look for supplies.
As i was coming out of the house, I headed out to get back to the others .When I got back to the creek where the others were, I saw blood and dead vampires all around. It seemed as if they were attacked. They could have fleed in time, but they might have been captured
Just when i was thinking the worst; that they were all captured, I saw one of us hiding in a den of some sort. I asked what happened and he explained we were attacked and captured. He was the only one to escape.
As he finshed talking, I turned around just in time to deflect the net heading towards me. What do I do? Stay and fight or run and hide?




hi every one
Arrow

8:37am Mar 12 2011

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Posts: 3,828

Please do not get discouraged. I enjoyed reading it and I am going to mark out the mistakes and put the new (correct grammar in parenthesis.)

Its (It's)been ten years now since the vampires came out of hideing (hiding). At first they attacked, ate, and killed any one they seen (saw) but after we were out numbered (outnumbered) by them(,) they captured who the(y) could and treated us like animals .
Most of us who got away were captured sooner or later . Now(,) for all we know(,) we are the last twenty three free humans in the world .We came here in rural missouri hopeing (hoping) there were less vampires in smaller groups and humans to free so we could gain numbers.
But its much diffrent than hoped yes there are smaller and less groups of zombies but there are few humans and the vampires seem smarter here. ( A bit confusing here. This is how I would do it. It is much more different than we had hoped. Yes, there are less groups of zombies here, but there are still few humans. The vampires seem smarter here.)
As i scouted looking for a base today(,) I came upon a secure house(.) I looked through the house and made sure it was safe and look for supplys. (so I could look for supplies.)
As i was comeing (coming) out of the house(,) I headed out to get back to the others .When I got back to the creek where the other(s) were(,) I seen (saw) blood and dead vampires all over (around).Its seems That we were attacked and fleed or were captured . (It seemed as if they were attacked. They could have fleed in time, but they might have been captured)
Just when i was thinking the worst(;) that they were all captured(,) I seen (saw) one of us hideing (hiding) in a den of some sort(.) i ask(ed) what happened and he explained we were attacked and captured(.) He was the only one to escape.
As he finshed talking(,) i turned around just in time to deflect the net heading twards (toward) me. What do I do(?) Stay and fight or run and hide?

Ooc;

You have a very good taste with writing. I can tell this is a first of your stories. You need to work on staying in the same tense throughout the writing. It's something I have trouble with, too.

You tend to go from present tense to past tense repeatedly. You wuld say "we were attacked" and then you would say "it seems we were attacked." Instead of seems, you would put seemed.

You do need to use a bit more commas and work on correct spelling, but other than that, it's really good. I would read more if there were any. c:






hello my name is elder price
gvgbuddy

10:52am Mar 12 2011

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Posts: 36
thanks =)



hi every one
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