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6:41pm Mar 15 2010 (last edited on 12:32am Mar 16 2010)
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Normal User
Posts: 5,835
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Running Chapter 1: Listening...I didn't know what else to do. Fear rushed over me and I had no idea what was going on in that horrid hour. I heard screams and felt waves of horror coming off of people. A loud buzzing noise filled my ears making me tremble. I rushed over grabbing my dog ,Pearl, and putting a leash on her. Of course. I grabbed the dog not thinking about any clothes, food, or water, but the dog. Running out of the ruined house I covered my ears trying to get the loud buzzing noise out of my head. I ran tripping over pieces of garbage and bodies. I ran into the forest knowing exactly where it was from all the other times I had been there. I stumbled into the forest feeling the branches scrap against my arms. I felt the dog tug on the leash leading me through the dark forest. Not that darkness really mattered for I couldn't see anyways. I felt the tugging stop so I slowed down to a stop as the sound of water rushed into my ears. "We must be near a river or something." I said starting to talk to myself. I heard the buzzing noise pierce into my head as the dog started to run pulling my with her. I felt the coldness run up through my legs and up to my head as I dived into freezing water. I ran through against the heavy currents struggling not to be carried away. At least the water wasn't deep, for I had no idea how to swim. I heard the buzzing growing louder every second, getting closer. My legs refused to carry me any longer. They acted like they had given up. It felt like a nail was being hammered into my legs as I tried to keep walking. I choked on the cold water as the currents swept my feet from under me. I struggled in the water hearing the sound of barking pound my ears. I gasped for air as someone pulled me up. Blinking the water out of my useless eyes I heard the loud noise of breathing and felt the hot breath on my neck as Pearl dragged me onto the river bank. Pearl dropped me letting me land on the pebbles. I couldn't move. My body wouldn't work. I heard Pearl wine and felt her body fall down beside me tired from pulling me through the river. I closed my eyes letting sleep flow over me. I was tired from running. The buzzing sound grew quiet now acting as a lullaby. Sorry for the short chapter I will probably add some more and do a little editing. Please tell me if you like it or think I should continue with it. Thanks.XD
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8:21pm Mar 15 2010
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Normal User
Posts: 192
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Paragraph 1- Good opening. Very strong and I like it. But your vocabulary is sort of weak. Instead of saying “I was weak” try saying, “My entire body felt like it was crumbling down with fear.” And also, more detail. Yes, there is a buzzing noise, but what does it sound like. Loud? Echoing? Soft? Almost like a humming? We need to know! And the sentence after she (I don’t know if it is a girl, but I don’t feel like he/she) grabs the dog, it is a great sentence, just take out “just the dog”. It sounds very awkward. And also, more detail again. How is she running? Are her legs sore? Is she sweating? Is the dog in front of her or merely tagging along? Paragraph 2- Love the first sentence. But, can you do me a favor, count how many times you said “slow” in those few sentences. 3? 4? Too many. Remember, synonyms are our friends! And the grammar in this is not very good (don’t worry, you are not alone). Many commas are absent and you said “my” not “me” in part of it. Don’t worry, it is VERY common mistakes! And again, more detail! How cold is the water? Pool cold or deadly cold? How strong are the currents? Great last sentence, it really is, but again, VOCABULARY! She didn’t just “struggle” here, it was a matter of life or death. She is in a war against nature! Paragraph 3- By far, the best paragraph. By far. Neatly written and well emotional. But again, more detail, honey. Was the breathing raspy? Obviously panting since it was a dog so maybe change that. How did her body feel? Cold? Dead? Numb? Yes she can’t move it but can she feel it. You may know that, but us readers don’t. And why did she fall asleep? Did she give up hope? Or is she too tired? All in all, you are a wonderful writer with a great story in your hands. The reason I added so much critique is because you need to improve your skills, not find them. Definitely keep with it cause you got a talent. But remember, grammar, don’t be afraid to try new things and Dictionary.com J But keep going! You better! |
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12:08am Mar 16 2010
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Normal User
Posts: 5,835
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Thanks. Sorry about not much detail, like I said I will probably edit and add more. Thanks, I will try to use better grammer and stuff.
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6:15pm Mar 16 2010
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Normal User
Posts: 4,848
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I like it 8D
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11:13pm Mar 16 2010
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Normal User
Posts: 5,835
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RIBUNNY! WHERE HAVE YOU BEEN!?! I HAVEN"T SEEN YOU IN FOREVER!!!*Tackles*
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11:58pm Mar 16 2010 (last edited on 10:20pm Mar 17 2010)
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Normal User
Posts: 5,835
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I will add the next chapter soon.
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11:02am Mar 18 2010 (last edited on 3:01pm Mar 23 2010)
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Normal User
Posts: 5,835
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Chapter 2: I woke up to the loud bark. I groaned getting up and running my hands through my light blond hair. Getting up I swayed on my feet for a few seconds as the blood ran to my head. I grabbed the dog leash to hold Pearl back from attacking what ever she was barking at. The loud buzzing noise bounded through my ears making my head go numb. I started to slowly walk into the forest, listening to the stream getting farther and farther. I heard trees crash behind me and a wild roar echo through the trees. I started to speed up first jogging and then running. I felt the branches and twigs rip and scratch at me. I started to slow down to catch my breath. My legs felt like jello and I could feel my heart beat bounding. My legs felt like I had just done a whole day of running even though it had only been around ten minutes. I heard the roars get farther away and tried to cover my ears as Pearl barked her head off. I stopped. My ears were straining to hear any noises that came from the thing that had chased me here. The thing was known to be a monster by most but that was just because it destroyed almost everything it could get its hands on. I sat down leaning against the tree. I was never good at running. It always made my stomach hurt and my legs always felt like they were going to fall off after I had gotten done from running for a long time. I will add more.
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6:20pm Mar 20 2010 (last edited on 6:24pm Mar 20 2010)
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Normal User
Posts: 2,282
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i'm to lazy to read it all, but i managed. It was good, but why were you running? fire? exposion?
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8:28pm Mar 21 2010
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Normal User
Posts: 192
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Much better than before! The writing was really good. But a little critique, don't wait too long to give what the noise was. If you do, believe me, people will just be like either "i'm not taking any of this." and stop reading, or just skip through like half the book to figure out what it was. Maybe, possibly, you could give small hints away during parts of the book. That might be better than constantly repeating the buzzing or roaring |
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9:54pm Mar 22 2010 (last edited on 3:02pm Mar 23 2010)
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Normal User
Posts: 5,835
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Okay thanks. I added more to the chapter.XD |
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12:53pm Mar 25 2010
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Normal User
Posts: 23
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I absolutely love it! It has soo much potential. But it's missing emotion. You mentioned bodies in chapter 1. Were those bodies her family? Shouldn't she be crying? Confused? Angry? How did she survive when everyone else died? Don't rush too much. Explain as you go. :) I really do love the potential <3
[center]A_A[br]=(^-^)=[br]C O[br](``)(``)[br]Excited Kitty[/center]
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12:56pm Mar 25 2010
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Normal User
Posts: 5,835
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Thank you.8D
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1:23pm Mar 27 2010
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Normal User
Posts: 192
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Bump :)
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7:21pm Mar 29 2010
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Normal User
Posts: 192
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Bump again :) Haha I got bored
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