Before I read all of it, I scrolled all the way down just to see how long it was. And I have one suggestion, that's not even about the piece.
You should put the list of things that critiquers should keep in mind at the top. So they 'have them kept in their mind' while they read. You know?
That sounds confusing. Read it twice. You'll get it <3

You:
 I just knew I had to keep running. I had to keep running forwards.
My suggestion:
I just knew that I had to keep running forward.

You:
Always forwards. Never back.
My suggestion:
Instead of repeating what you said in the sentence before (Even though I understand you were doing it for emphasis and such...), you could change it by saying, 'I wouldn't let myself look behind me (Or 'Back'); I kept my eyes forward.
Or something along those lines. ^^ That isn't the best, but you could probably think of something close. You know?

You:
 that's what people said. How can she break the rule when she's so young? That's what they said.
My suggestion:
First: Capitalize the T. Second, you repeated yourself. "That's what they said." I like it better said like this:
"How can she break the rule, when she's so young?
That's what they said. "
Or
That's what the people said.
But, that's just me. I sometimes repeat myself for emphasis, like I said before.^^ So whatever you like, is fine.

You:
 I heard them, heard them whispering.
My suggestion:
I would hear them whisper.
Or, what I like better, is taking out the 'That's what they said', and just do it like this,
"How can she break the rule, when she's so young?"
I would hear them whisper.

You:
One mistake. One mistake, that's all it takes. All it takes to break the biggest rule.
My suggestion:
One mistake. One mistake is all it takes to break the biggest rule.
Again, I understand how you like to repeat. That's what I do too, but sometimes you just can't go overboard. :P

You:
I said that. They said it doesn't matter. He was made a demon becuse he's evil. He has no soul. He's evil.
My suggestion:
First:Take out the 'I said that' in the beginning. Either that, or take out the 'I said that' in the other paragraph. For the repeating. 
Second: For the second part, this may sound a bit better?
"They said it didn't matter. They said he was made a demon because he was evil; he has no soul.'
Again, you repeated on that last part. I put 'They said' again because when reading your version, you didn't state who said he was a demon.
Am I sounding mean, YT? D: You know I love you. I'm just trying to help, since grammar is one of my best subjects. I'm sorry. D:

You:
He won't come back just because I run.
My suggestion:
First, wrong tense. 'Ran.' should be it.
And, just as a advice - this is something you don't have to follow - an 'away' after that may be better? Just in my opinion. Like:
"He won't come back just because I ran away."
But, if you like 'ran' better, that's fine. It sounds just as fine. :)

You:
Just because I finally break free of my cage.
My suggestion:
"Just because I finally broke free of my cage."

You:
Why didn't I listen? I should have. I should've listened to him.
My suggestion:
Take out the last sentence. Like this:
"Why didn't I listen? I should have."
But, if you want to repeat, you could add it a 'I really should have." Or something along those lines. Like:
"Why didn't I listen? I should have. I really should have."
Actually, ^^I like that one. xD

You:
Now tears sting my eyes at what is lost.
My suggestion:
Take out the 'Now.'
ORRRRR.
"Tears stung my eyes from what is now lost."

You:
But am I far enough? Am I?
My suggestion:
Take out the second 'Am I?'.

ALRIGHTY NOW THAT I AM DONE WITH BEING A MEANIE D<

I say, you should keep going~! I like the idea of making a story being told inside a story. I've always wanted to do the whole 'Do you wanna know how I got here?"
And then the whole story about it.
Keep posting. I'd be happy to read it! It's interesting! :)))

Okays then. ^_^ Thankies, CHerry. xD

Now, to reply...

All the repeating of myself is over-exaggerated, and intentional. Ever seen those movies when people are in a state of shock? Very little of what they say makes sense, and they repeat themselves a LOT. I don't plan to continue this once the story gets started properly, so don't worry. ;3 Also, any tips on whether to do it in first person or not? I can't decide.

And the jumps between the tenses may be pretty confusing, but. She's relaying her story to you, and is pretty confused herself. See, this is why I've had the idea to do this for a while, but I waited till I was all tired and confuzzled before doing it. Y'know, adding a little realism. If I'm tired and confuzzled, it'll come across as if she is, too. Aaand. I may edit it slightly. This is my first draft, but then again, no excuse. Treat every draft as if it is your last, as they say. Same with life.

For the repeating,
like I said, I do it all the time too. For emphasis or like you said, over-exaggerate something. But, in my opinion, if you repeat to much, you can't really understand what you're saying. Like, there is a difference between the charactar being confused, and the reader being confused.
But, like I said, if that's how you like it, then do it! I've learned that writing isn't supposed to be to please someone else. It's supposed to please yourself. If that's how you like it, then keep it the way you like it. xDDDDD

And the tenses,
Same as what you said at the top! If that's how you like it, then do it. That was just my opinions and suggestions.
But, then again, same thing I said, there is a difference between showing how the charactar is confused, and making the readers confused.
And, first person sounds great for this. Good idea :3

Lollll. what time is it in IRELAND <3
Yeah, that's right. I remembered.
Anyways, ya, you do what you want. It's all yours. And, I like it. <3

Knowing you, you really shouldn't have sugar. xDDD
It's funny. I never get hyper. My friends all call  me 'mellow'... xD
Is that a compliment or insult? D:
LOL.

Alright. I'll stop spamming.
POST MORE OF THE STORY, NAO D:

Ookay, ookay. xD I shall post more... *giggles hysterically before running away* IN A FEW YEARS! Mwuahahahah....

But, seriously. o_o I'll post more once I type up a good enough intro.

Ohhhh. I see.

It's cool. I take a long time writing too. D:

You're inspiring me to put something in the writing forums for the first time...

*Flees*

Just kidding. :P

People here can get pretty mean sometimes. D: LOLLLLLL.

D:
Homg.
You DID think I was mean. D:
I'm sorry. D:
I won't do it again. D:

Ohh... *Awkward*
You said, 'NO MEAN COMMENTS'
And, capitalized it. So I thought you had a secret meaning to that sentence. D:
Like... That you thought I was mean. O_O
Now, this is really awkward.

Alright, it's official.
We eat people that are mean. >D
I'll be lurking here for any mean comments.
I SHALL EAT THEM TOO.
D:
LOL.
But, seriously. I will be lurking for your next post to the story.
But, for now, I think we should stop talking about nonsense on your thread D:

Lols, prolly. Has nothing else to do so is doing this. I mean, I decided to write some more, to make you happy. x3 Alllso. I'mma write story posts in colour from now on. Because it looks uber pretty and epic. Because it helps organisation... xD Also, if you have been called mean but are really honest, come here and comment, please and thank you. If you're just mean for the sake of being mean, though, I will not hesitate to feed you to the CHeetah.

I awoke that morning in the same way I did every morning. I slid out of bed, chucked on some jeans and a t-shirt, and brushed my hair. Nothing new, nothing strange. Nothing to indicate at all that today would be the day my whole life changed, the day everything got messed up. Sighing, I pulled my hair into a bun, and shrugged my bag onto my back.

I walked out of my room, through the different dormitories, and past the tapestries and paintings of our kind on the walls. I was headed for my first class, checking my timetable as I went to see what I had first. Divine Selection, great. I hated Divine Selection. It was a load of useless junk no one needed or cared about.

 See, my class was different to what your classes probably are. Unless you're an angel, that is. I went to GuardianShip school, a small school by human standards, with only about two hundred students. There, I learned important life skills, such as looking at things through an unbiased point of view, how to decide whether to intervene or not, and the extent of my abilities. Needless to say, I was at the very top of my class. Top of my class, that is, until Professor Aire brought in our latest topic. We were to study a demon.