Rescreatu - Virtual Pet Game

The Beginning


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Raru

6:39pm Mar 2 2009 (last edited on 7:31pm Mar 2 2009)

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Posts: 583

Edited it slightly. Now to work on tenses xD 

The Beginning 

She appeared when this world was still a hellish world suffocated in darkness and teeming with daemons 

They all noticed her, for she was radiant with a light that was different from theirs. Sometimes, they noticed, she was a wolf, sometimes a young woman. Sometimes she was an old crone, sometimes a bird or some fabulous creature, unknown to any being. Her eyes were as mysterious as her very existence, always changing and never remaining the same colour, but when she looked at them with her secret smiles, they realized it never changed but was a colour never seen.

She walked through the hellish world, untouched by Evil or his daemons. Even if they wished her harm, they can only wish. Not touch. For many dead gods have given her blessings and that alone protected her.

The Munkhar people say she destroyed them, cleansing the world for her own reign. She did not. The Rizken said she controlled them being a more powerful being than they were. She did not. People like the Shashiri even went as far as saying she erased the whole world completely before starting anew. She did not.

She left them alone for, unlike them she did not wish them harm. Instead, she placed a seed on the ground and guarded it as it grew into a tree. With each passing year, it grew bigger and with each year the daemons grew weaker. This was the first of the Life she was creating.

Once the tree was fully grown, she gave the world four guardians and travelled across the world and created other things such as skies, water, plants and animals. Sometimes the daemons destroyed them. Sometimes they did not. Once she was finished, she settled down by the tree and fell into a deep slumber.

She still walks across the world but now titles such as The Creator, Sawik-Juhn-Nosur, God and Maia have crowned her ancient brow but they meant nothing. No name or shrine interested her and the threads that made her stories have withered and changed. But it did not matter.

Now she simply travels across the world, taking life and giving it.

End.

 

R/N: The beginning to my Ruina series. Well not really, but it shows its start xD I may make it longer one day. Feedback is appreciated 'cause I think I'm in serious need of a Grammar Nazi xD





Riyo

7:01pm Mar 2 2009

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Posts: 369

Very creative and deive, but you have some tense-switching, like you throw some present tense in with past tense and such. Only one typo that I saw. "some fabulous creature no known to any being." *not* known, or unknkown which would sound better in my opinion. I would just go through it and make everything the same tense so it's more cohesive. ;D




"You must always remember that the only thing necessary for evil to triumph is for good people to do nothing." - Alucard, Castlevania: Symphony of the Night.
Outsane

7:18pm Mar 2 2009

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Posts: 2,148

"teeming with daemons, she appeared."

Semi-colon instead pls.

 

" They all noticed her for she was radiant with"

Comma between 'her' and 'for'

 

" Sometimes, she was a wolf,"

No comma after 'Sometimes'.

 

 "sometimes a young woman,"

Period instead plz

 

" no known to any being."

Comma plz.

 

" Sometimes, they are like"

No comma pls.

 

" colour. But when she looked"

Comma instead of period.

 

" She left them alone for unlike them"

Comma between 'alone' and 'for'.

 

" Sometimes the daemons destroyed them. Sometimes the guardians stopped them."

Comma  instead of period before the second 'Sometimes'.

 

And, as Riyo said. Some past-tense to present-tense switching that should be fixed to a constant past-tense.

 

Hope that helps. :D





Raru

7:19pm Mar 2 2009

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Posts: 583
I have atrocious grammar xD Thanks a lot guys!




 _Ranvier

7:30pm Mar 2 2009 (last edited on 7:30pm Mar 2 2009)

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Posts: 1,731

"teeming with daemons, she appeared."

Actually, I don't think that needs a semi colon. Usually a semi colon is used when separating what would seem like two related parts that could be separate sentences. If you put one there, it would make the text sound somewhat odd.

To me, you could just remove the comma and it would seem okay. But this is just my opinion. xD; 





chantico

7:48pm Mar 2 2009

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Posts: 185
thats very creative and unique.I'm not real helpful with being a Grammer Nazi though,I just posted part of my own fanfic,feedback would be greatly appriciated



French rule, Brits suck.
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Outsane

11:56pm Mar 2 2009

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Posts: 2,148

Ah, that's true, Uwi. I'm working late and it's got my head.

 

And chantico, that's rude to advertise your own fanfic in some one else's forum.





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