The Burning Times (Critique Wanted)


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timberwolf97

8:16pm Sep 18 2011

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Chapter 1


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              The tiny girl, two months past her fifth year was hidden among the folds of dull skirts. Tears made streaks on her dirty face and her lips trembled as she awaited the judge’s decision. The whole village was there, the neighbours, the friends and strangers. Her parents stood on the makeshift podium facing the judge, waiting for their guaranteed beheading.


 


 


       The judge smirked and relished the looks of terrible pain on the couple’s faces. The woman was accused of performing magic, and though er husband was truly innocent, he would die with her. The children had been killed already, save for the youngest; she had disappeared and no officials could find her.


 


 


       After what seemed like an eternity, the judge hauled his plump body out of the chair and stood facing the crowd.


 


 


       “Today, we witness the trial of Marissa and Jonathan Stewart. Witnesses have reported that they have performed magic both inside and outside of their cottage, believing that no one could see them.” The judge paused, gasping for breath. “Their children have also been tainted; therefore, we have killed them. One girl remains. Her name is Angelica Stewart. Capture her dead or alive, and we shall reward you generously.”


 


 


       The crowd cheered uproariously, and the judge beamed. His gaze swept across the ever-growing crowd, passing over the little girl with her face in her hands. His double chin quivered and he rubbed his sausage hands together.


 


 


       “The decision is unanimous; Marissa and Jonathan Stewart are…guilty!”


 


       The crowd screamed and howled louder than before; slowly, they were ridding their village of tainted blood. The couple on the platform hung their heads, their last hope diminished. They had hoped that the judge, a long time friend of theirs would spare them. Up on the platform, the judge slowly turned back to the couple. With his back on the crowd, he frowned sadly, whispering a few parting words to Marissa and Jonathan: “I’m sorry.”


 


 


       The executioner wore a dirty sack over his head, two holes cut for his eyes. He wore gardener’s gloves, stained red from past executions. His step didn’t falter; he showed no emotion or regret. Slowly, he raised the axe. One dull thud, then a woman’s scream cut short. The crowd screaming their approval, and the headless bodies toppled to the blood-stained ground.


 


 


       Angelica screwed up her eyes when the axe had slit the air, but not fast enough. She saw enough to haunt her for the rest of her life. The terrible smell of blood as it gushed from her father’s headless body, the terror in her mother’s scream, and the bloodthirsty cries of the crowd. Her knees knocked together, turning her legs to jelly. Unable to stand, she fell to the ground. The numerous stones and pebbles pressed against her head uncomfortably, but she didn’t have the strength to pick herself up. Angelica closed her eyes, sinking into a comforting darkness. She didn’t know how long she lay there, but was rudely woken by rough hands picking her up.


 


       Reluctantly, she opened her tired eyes to glare at whoever had woken her. She found herself staring into a pair of startling grey eyes, so light they were almost silver.




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Winterlove

8:52pm Sep 18 2011

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Posts: 399
Wow, this is very vivid. O.o But great sensory words and deions. Let's hear some more. :3



timberwolf97

8:56pm Sep 18 2011

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Posts: 1,269

Thanks :)


I should have put PG13 in the ti
tle x.x




If you really cared about animals more than humans...kindly feed yourself to the next starving wolf.
NightmareDream

10:36am Sep 19 2011

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Definitely want to read more. ;) A rating would be a good idea. ^^



timberwolf97

6:09pm Sep 19 2011

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Thanks nightmare :D



If you really cared about animals more than humans...kindly feed yourself to the next starving wolf.
timberwolf97

10:51pm Sep 20 2011

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Posts: 1,269

Maor :U


 


Reluctantly, she opened her tired eyes to glare at whoever had woken her. She found herself staring into a pair of startling grey eyes, so light they were almost silver, edges crinkled in a slight smile. Angelica kicked at her captor, punching his hands with her tiny fists. The man laughed unexpectedly.   “Don’t fight me, child. I’m not here to hurt you.” His voice was soft and melodious, but it irritated Angelica. Her father had the same laugh.


 


       When Angelica fought even harder, he frowned in annoyance. “Come, Evelyn. I tire of this disobedience. Your mother and siblings are waiting for you. ”


 


       Angelica let out a cry, her limbs suddenly immobilized. All she could do was whimper pitifully as the man took her away. With a graceful motion, the man swung her up onto his shoulders. Angelica instinctively wrapped her arms around the man’s neck, trying not to fall off.


 


       “Not too tight, little pea,” he laughed. “I do not wish to be choked to death.”


       The man had a strange way of speaking. It wasn’t the coarse language the illiterate folks spoke, nor was it the bossy speech of the nobles and lords. The man had a soft, almost medieval way of talking. He walked quickly, gliding over the pathways like a ghost and making no sound whatsoever.  


 




If you really cared about animals more than humans...kindly feed yourself to the next starving wolf.
Eternityfox

9:24pm Sep 21 2011

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Posts: 124
omg. love the story timber. <3



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MidnightRainbows

12:00am Sep 22 2011

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Posts: 401
This is amazing! I love it! But you said you wanted a critique so; The only thing I would say needs to be worked on is establishing a mood and keeping it consistent, I'm no expert and I don't really know any good methods of doing it, but I know that it greatly improves the impact of your story. ^-^;;
Please don't think I'm being mean, guys, she asked for a critique, and I personally thought it was great. D:
Anywho~ Looking forward to more! x3



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timberwolf97

8:59am Sep 22 2011

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Posts: 1,269

Thanks guys <3


 


Midnight~ You're not being mean at all :D That's exactly the kind of critiwue I'm looking for ^-^




If you really cared about animals more than humans...kindly feed yourself to the next starving wolf.
Eternityfox

6:34pm Sep 22 2011

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Posts: 124
Sorry i didn't critique. DX im not a very good writer. DX



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timberwolf97

8:11pm Sep 22 2011

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Posts: 1,269

Lol, it's fine Eternity <3


 


I'm looking for both critique and comments, so everything helps.


Also, I like to know what reader's think to plan what's going to happen next.




If you really cared about animals more than humans...kindly feed yourself to the next starving wolf.
Titanium

9:39am Sep 23 2011

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Posts: 450
Its a good story timber, and it has a nice flow to it, but in the first part where it says

'She didn’t know how long she lay there, but was rudely woken by rough hands picking her up.' 

I think that should be the start of the next paragraph not the end of the one its on. (: Apart from that i really like it :3



Roditore Queen, Always
timberwolf97

9:42am Sep 23 2011

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Thanks Liish :)


 


I still can't seem to edit posts, so I'll have to do it once they get the thing fixed.




If you really cared about animals more than humans...kindly feed yourself to the next starving wolf.
timberwolf97

10:47pm Sep 27 2011

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Posts: 1,269

Angelica swayed slightly, slipping in and out of consciousness. The day had taken its toll on her; she could barely keep her swollen red eyes open for more than a minute.


 


       Behind closed eyelids, Angelica saw her parents’ deaths in slow motion, the scene replaying over and over again, tormenting her. She heard everything, saw everything and no matter how hard she tried to keep it out, they kept coming back: decapitated bodies stumbling zombie-like towards her, closing in ever so slowly. Blood oozed out of where their heads should have been, arms raised to pull her into her embrace. Angelica let out a shrill scream cut short by a hand flung forward to cover her mouth.


 


       Angelica’s eyes snapped open, darting wildly around looking for the zombies. Instead, the man, a woman, two boys and three girls peered at her anxiously. The woman removed her hand from Angelica’s mouth. The man who had carried her to this cottage exchanged a quick, meaningful look with the woman and she nodded sympathetically.


 


       “Good, you’re awake. You’ll probably never get over seeing your parents beheaded, but I want you to try and settle in. I am Cornelius Blackthorn, but everyone calls me Neil. Alayna is my wife, and a witch. The children are not our own, they too have had their parents executed or burned at stake. Fenecros and Brian are the oldest, they’re twins. Gwendolyn and Victoria are five years older than you, and Saria is the same age as you.”


 


       Five pairs of eyes peered curiously at Angelica. The twins were tall with thick blonde hair and bright blue eyes, Gwendolyn had brown eyes flecked with gold, chocolate coloured hair and a sharp chin. l:namespace prefix = st1 ns = "urn:schemas-microsoft-com:office:smarttags" />Victoria had auburn hair, brown eyes and a wide mouth. The youngest of the four had wide set eyes, red lips and curly blonde hair. Angelica felt drab compared to the hauntingly beautiful children.


 


       “Angelica, while you’re here, we will have to call you by a different name to prevent people from suspecting. Will Evelyn do?” Blackthorn asked gently. “I will tell the villagers that I found you at an orphanage during my travels. Please stick to the story, but if possible, avoid talking about your past. The children have gotten used to calling Alayna and I ‘Mom and Dad’, but if you’re not comfortable with it, just call us Neil and Alayna.” 


 


       Angelica nodded, tears sliding down her face again. Wiping her eyes with a grimy sleeve, then struggled to sit up.


 


       “It hurts,” she whimpered. “I can see them so clearly. They’re coming to get me, like they got my mommy and daddy. All bloody, all torn up. Make it stop! Please make them stop coming!”


 


       Gwendolyn flopped down beside Angelica and put an arm around her. “Don’t worry, sis. It was like that for all of us too. It will get better soon, I know it will. Keep holding on, and never let go. If you let go of yourself, you’ll get lost and there’s no return from where you’ll go. Not even a witch will be able to bring you back. Not even Mom and she’s amazing at that kind of stuff.”


 


       Victoria grinned. “Mom’s teaching me and Gwen how to cook with magic. You should’ve seen what Gwen made!”


 


Angelica smiled slightly, her eyes a little glazed. In her mind, the judge and all the villagers were dying a slow, painful death. The screams of the dying her music to her ears, bright red blood splattered running down the streets like a river, gore bobbing to the surface. Angelica frowned as Neil’s voice pierced her bloody daydreams.


 


“Angelica, you will be sharing a room with Gwen and Tori if that’s okay with you. We have a spare bed in the cellar that we can bring up for you. I’m sure Gwen and Tori can find some extra blankets and pillows.”


      




If you really cared about animals more than humans...kindly feed yourself to the next starving wolf.
NightmareDream

3:20pm Sep 29 2011

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Posts: 1,551
Ah, you know what I like about this? You didn't make Angelica angsty. She's sad, as she should be, but she's not snapping out at everybody or being entirely too self-pitying. It's very refreshing that you've done this. ^_^



Chlorine

4:34pm Sep 30 2011

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Posts: 5
Oooooooh.  Oooo.  Very neat story, this.  Some confusion in the first part -- you said the judge had been a friend of the Stewarts', and he seemed sorry when he spoke quietly to them, but earlier, he had seemed almost gleeful about the whole affair.

On to the most recent post!  

"You’ll probably never get over seeing your parents beheaded..."  o_O  I don't know this character very well, but that's...not really something I'd want to say to a traumatized child.  I mean.  I really like that Neil is explaining that he knows what she's going through, and that it's okay to hurt, but you may consider changing "seeing your parents beheaded" to something more delicate, like "this tragedy" or "the shock of what you've seen."  

The only major thing I'd say to watch out for is to make sure you're showing, not telling.  You do a pretty good job of that for the most part, but there were a couple of rough patches.  Like this sentence: "Angelica felt drab compared to the hauntingly beautiful children." Okay, so we know that they're pretty and we know she feels drab, but it's kind of a telling sentence and takes away from the main focus of the section, which is Angelica's shock and confusion and grief.  But if you changed the sentence to something like: "The other children were beautiful, almost unfairly so, but Angelica couldn't bring herself to care," that keeps the focus on Angelica's emotional turmoil.  

Other than that, though, I really liked this.  Like, seriously.  I don't want this critique to give you the wrong impression, because what you have here is very good.  It really grabs the reader's attention and holds it!  Angelica is obviously in shock, and with good reason.  From a mechanical standpoint, everything is pretty solid.  "Alayna and I" should be "Alayna and me," but that's my only real grammar note.

I love how Angelica's new "sisters" are so matter-of-fact about everything.  Children tend to be that way, especially when they've all pretty much gone through what Angelica has.  Why are they all pretty?  Is it because of the magic?  I am intrigued!  And I like Neil and Alayna.  It's really awesome of them to take in all these kids.  

I can't wait to read more of this!  :D  
timberwolf97

4:37pm Sep 30 2011

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Posts: 1,269

Thanks Chlorine :D


 


I'll be sure to fix the mistakes ^-^


 


I'm not sure what I have planned for the judge, but I have an idea although I'm not sure if it'll work out as I hope.




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Jactherandom

9:30pm Oct 5 2011 (last edited on 11:03am Oct 8 2011)

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Awesome, I don't think you made any mistakes, I think it's perfect. I love how you made Angelica. My favorite part was when she had the dream of the jugde and villagers dying.
Jac
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timberwolf97

10:40pm Oct 5 2011

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Posts: 1,269

Thanks Jac!


 


I'll update soon, I'm writing my application for the Writer's position :D




If you really cared about animals more than humans...kindly feed yourself to the next starving wolf.
timberwolf97

9:04pm Oct 7 2011

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Bump so I don't lose this while I'm rping



If you really cared about animals more than humans...kindly feed yourself to the next starving wolf.
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