The Elements: Incendia's Story (critique plz?)


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NessieChiky13

7:00pm Apr 27 2011 (last edited on 7:05pm Apr 27 2011)

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Imagine a world where the Elements rule, where each and every life is based on the four Elements: Water, Fire, Earth, and Air. This is the world of the Keepers, a mysterious race of human beings who have been wiped from the Earth--or so the world thought.

Four Keepers still exist, hidden among us. They are the four daughters of Arya, the most powerful Keeper of legend, the only who could control all four Elements. Arya was the last Keeper to be killed, hunted along with the others. The people who hunted them believed that her daughters perished with her.

But they were wrong. The four daughters of Arya live, and they will come together one day to reunite the tattered remains of the Keepers' world. The eldest is Incendia, the last Fire Keeper. This is her story.

The Elements: Incendia's Story

2000

10 Years Ago       

Wind whipped around the trees and made tendrils of flame-red hair sting my cheeks. The rain poured down, growing harder and harder, and I pulled the black hood of the cloak over my head, fighting to keep my eyes open. I was exhausted, as I always was when the weather was like this.    

 “Incendia,” Mother called to me. I looked up.       

“Yes, Mother?”       

“You know what to do, correct?”       

 I nodded. “Find somewhere with lots of people, and make sure that the others are safe as soon as I possibly can.”       

 “Very good,” Mother said approvingly. “Find the safest place for you and your sisters, and do whatever you can to stay together. Do not let anyone separate you.”       

 I nodded again and brushed a wet curl away from my eyes. “You’ll come find us, right?”       

 Mother smiled and kneeled to hug me, being careful of her silver gown. “Yes, darling. As soon as I can, I’ll find you. If it takes until your sisters discover their powers, help them. Do your best, Incendia.”       

I let out a breath, scared, and took Latora from her cradle next to me, shielding her from the rain with my cloak. Mother kissed Latora’s forehead, and then my cheek.       

“Tempest, Terra,” I called to my little sisters. “We have to go.”       

 Terra walked to me, running her fingers against the bark of the trees, and Tempest closed her eyes, savoring the feel of the wind. I was the only one that hated this weather, even if it was because of my spirit element. The others loved it; Terra for the growth of the plants, Tempest for the wind, and Latora—well, Latora was too young yet, but she would in time.       

 Mother hugged each of them, but our goodbyes were cut short by an angry cry. “Go,” Mother commanded, pulling away. “Go, now. Before they see you.”       

 I pushed Terra and Tempest ahead of me and ran after them. We started to follow the river, staying in the shelter of the trees. We had traveled only minutes when Tempest stopped.       

 “Mother,” she whispered, looking over her shoulder.       

 “Tempest, keep going,” I told her. “Mother will be fine and she will find us.”       

But I was wrong; a scream—Mother’s scream—echoed through the stormy air just after I finished speaking. Closing my eyes as if shielding myself from it, I pulled Tempest and Terra to me. They buried their faces into my shoulders, and Latora started crying. I hushed her and pulled the four of us forward. We couldn’t stop moving, especially now.       

 Now that they had finished with Mother, they would come after us.      

Ch. 1

2010

Present-Day New York       

“Incendia!”       

 I broke away from staring at the girl in the mirror. My orange-eyed, raven-haired reflection. I trotted downstairs and leaned against the banister at the bottom, awaiting instructions from Miss Brown, the owner of the orphanage where my sisters had and I still lived.        “Incendia, would you mind doing the dishes while I run errands? And keep an eye on Mina. The girl’s adorable, but she gets into all kinds of trouble if you don’t watch her.”        I nodded. “It’s not like I have anywhere to go. No sisters to take care of.” I said the last part bitterly; I couldn’t help it. As much as I had tried to keep my three sisters with me while growing up, Miss Brown had insisted on showing them to every couple looking to adopt. Those girls deserve a good home, all of you do, she said.      

Tempest was the first of us to be taken away, only a year after coming, and Terra was soon after her. I fought with everything I had for each of them, and even more so with Latora, but by time she was three and a half, she was taken from me.       

And I was left alone, the strange girl named Incendia with neon eyes and a fascination with fire. No one wanted a daughter like that.      

Since I had turned 18, I’ve legally been able to just walk out of the orphanage and never look back, start my own life, but I haven’t. One, I needed money, and Miss Brown offered me plenty for helping out with cleaning, cooking, and taking care of the kids. Two, this was the only home I’ve known in the past ten years, after Mother was killed and I had taken my sisters, brought them here.       

Miss Brown sighed, looking at me. “You know,” she said softly. “I really wish you didn’t dye your hair. The natural color suits you better.”       

As if I didn’t know that. “I like the black,” I lied, shrugging. At one point, I had liked keeping my literally flaming-orange curls, but had grown tired of being made fun of for the natural color, so I had started dying it black.       

No matter what color I dyed it, though, I always had flame-red streaks. Those I couldn’t hide. I couldn’t hide my eyes either.        

Of course, I had an easy excuse for that; contacts.       

 I finished the dishes and headed back to my room, stopping to check the kids.        “Everything okay, guys?” I asked, poking my head in. Mina, the nine-year-old ringleader of the kids, stopped jumping on her bed and grinned.       

“Yep,” she answered, tossing her blond hair over her shoulder.       

 “We’re just messing around,” a seven-year-old named Jared piped up. I nodded and walked down the hall, closing the door of my room behind me. I picked up where I left off, moving to the mirror against the fall wall       

It was just a slight marking now. I didn’t have much power; with no training, it wasn’t like it was getting any stronger.       

At the thought of training, I remembered that I hadn’t for the past days. Closing my eyes and concentrating my energy the way I had learned to, I flipped around, raising my hand in front of me. A small flame hovered just above my palm and wrapped around my arm. I had been trying for ten years, and that little flame was the best I could do.      

If there were other Keepers I would be embarrassed about it.       

I struggled to keep concentrated, keep the flame going. The thoughts of the day Mother was killed, and the day I took my sisters away to save them, always got my off balance, and I could rarely push them out of my head.       

I don’t know how long I stayed there, trying to make any kind of bigger flame, but a knock on the door broke me out of my thoughts.       

 “Incendia?” The doorknob turned.       

Taken off guard, I didn’t have time to put out the mini-fire on my palm and make it look like I was doing something normal.

        Miss Brown walked in, stopping with her eyes wide when she saw the tiny trail of fire twisting from my wrist to my elbow.

((More coming soon! Feedback welcome!))

~LS




I'M BACK!!! ...sorta. And now I'm in love with Jesse McCartney! He's hot.
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