H'okaaaay, don't take my word for everything but here are my opinions 8D
First of all, don't know if it's your computer screwing things up like mine does but breaking up the text would be good :3
I also see a typo needing to be fixed up: 'diffrent colored hair bands' I think you'll have to read through once more for these typos c:
Your grammar needs some work but if you want I can correct them all for you (not a bright idea since Nessi always points out my fail tenses) or you can go through it a bit. Read it out loud and you'll notice how some of the commas would be awkward or
About your speech, the grammar is a bit iffy "Thank you Deuaza." should be "Thank you, Deuaza."Commas should come before a name when addressing someone. It was a pretty common mistake I made when I was younger though xD
'Took the brush and brushed her hair'.
I'm not fond of repeated words unless used for effect perhaps try 'They took the brush from her and attended to the duty of grooming her hair' or something less blah than that |D
I reckon that with time and more practive your writing will improve. I wrote like you when I was younger and now look at me! I'm still a bum! *cries*
Anyways, just read more, write more, think more and follow critique. It's tough when not a lot of people reviews though but don't lose hope! 8D