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7:56am Feb 10 2011 (last edited on 4:48am Feb 11 2011)
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Medieval Plot Maybe some Romance? PG-13ish. Contains a bit of blood, but nothing to gory. And if I feel like it, kissing :U --- Prologue --- “The emperor is dead! The emperor is dead!” Cries of both shock and happiness rang through the grand city of Azalea. In the middle of Azalea city, stood a grand castle. It was tall and imposing, casting a shadow over a portion of the city. Inside the intimidating castle, in the highest of towers, a woman sat by a bench, looking out at the beautiful city. She was finely clothed, with a royal blue gown and her whitening hair done up in a traditional bun. Another woman, dressed in rags and eyes quivering, spoke up. “The word is everywhere on the streets,” She began. “The emperor. He is gone. You are now the ruler of this city.” Her eyes could not meet the piercing blue of the other woman’s. “So. He is dead.” The voice of the finely dressed woman echoed the cries outside her castle. The woman looked away from the window, eyes on the floor. Nobody could see the pain reflected in her ice-blue eyes. “We always knew the day was coming. War can do so many things to people. How... How was he killed, Yue?” Her blue eyes looked up to meet the brown eyes that belonged to the poorly clothed woman named Yue. “Killed by a dozen or so arrows. Through the chest.” Yue winced when the last sentence came out. The widow nodded solemnly. “Foolish Yutian.” A bitter laugh trickled out from her lips. “I told him to be careful, but he was always a warrior at heart. Always wanting to fight. Always resolving problems with his sword. Always so reckless.” She felt something moist touch her cheek. The woman raised one hand to touch her pale face, realizing that her eyes had betrayed her heart. She was crying. “I know I cannot rule Azalea, Yue.” She spoke to her servant in a hushed voice. “Yutian, he was the one in control. His children inherit his personality; they retain the right to rule. I shall not take control of Azalea.” The servant nodded. “Tell this to the council.” She rose and gave her hand a little flick towards the door, signaling the dismissal of Yue. The servant nodded, scurrying in the direction and quickly opening it. Before the door closed, Yue paused for a moment. “Very well, empress.” She whispered, her voice barely audible to the blue-eyed woman. --- Do it for Tld! --- This is one of my first stories, which was originally a plot for one of my RPs. Could you please critique it? Is it too clichéd? Is it too lame? Does it sound predictable? Any mistakes? Would you like to see more? Is the ti
tle nice? [ I doubt it x.x ] Any ti
tle suggestions? What can I do to improve it? I'm ALSO thinking of two other plots: -Wolves -Neko Slave x Master romance What do you guys think of these ideas? Srsly. Critiques welcomed and wanted.
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8:04am Feb 10 2011
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Posts: 8
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Wow, Tld. You are really talented. As I said in the SB, it is F~A~N~T~A~S~T~I~C i dont think its cliched, or predictable. The ti
tle is... unique XD i like it. as for the ideas, im not so sure about the Neko x master romance, but it depends how it turns out. keep it up |D |
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3:34pm Feb 10 2011
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Posts: 355
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It's not clichéd at all, and it's not predictable. It is not lame at all, not any mistakes that I can see, apart from, when someone else talks, a new line, and try putting some paragraphs in there :3 The ti
tle is beautiful! I'd love to read more :D
by Zen ♥ |
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4:46am Feb 11 2011
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Normal User
Posts: 5,998
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Thanks you guys! 8D I would probably update it every three days or weekly, depending on my mood and my motivation :U The ti
tle is supposed to mean the thorns that war produces, not like the 'dogs of war' or anything xD Thanks again for all the positive feedback ^_^
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7:32am Feb 13 2011 (last edited on 6:49am Feb 15 2011)
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Posts: 5,998
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Chapter 1
Cheers filled the streets of Chrysanthemum Kingdom. "Hail the new king! Hail the new queen!" The peasants of the small kingdom. The streets were packed with the people, although they only lined up at the sides, squeezing into each other to make a wide path. A humble yet marvelous red and yellow chariot went down the middle of the road, pulled by magnificent white horses. Their manes were tied up with simple ribbons, and their saddle was finely decorated with tas-sels and flowers. Ruby-red chrysanthemums were entwined into their short, cropped tails. In the chariot, there sat two people; a boy and a girl. They looked rather similar, both with dark brown eyes and black hair. The girl, however, had long and flowing hair that shone an extremely deep shade of brown whenever the sunlight hit it. She was slightly shorter than the boy, and greeted the crowd with a wide smile. The boy did not leave his hair long and tie it in a long ponytail, like many citizens of the kingdom. Instead, he had cut it short, giving him a messy bed-head appearance. They wore red and yellow clothes, made from cotton. None of them had fine jewels on them.The boy had a slight grimace on his face, trying to hide his displeasure to the crowd peasants. The girl at his side, however, seemed delighted by the happiness of the people. She seemed to wave to each individual peasant, grinning widely and enthusiastically. She stopped, however, to elbow the boy next to her. “Liubei!” She hissed. The pain seemed to rouse him from his thoughts. “Owch! What the... What was that for, Meihua?” He asked. “Smile and wave, idiot! These are our people, anyway!” The girl replied simply, giving another grin to a mother who was near the chariot’s side, clutching her baby. Liubei sighed. “My sister can’t order me around.” He muttered. “And I’m older anyway.” To that comment, Meihua made a small ‘pft’ sound. “Yeah, by a year.” She rolled her eyes. “Come on, Liubei. You can’t tell me that you’re happy that we won our freedom! The king of Azalea is dead! They sent a treaty! Signed by the empress herself, too.” Liubei gave her a look of disbelief. “At the cost of the lives of both our mother and father, Mei Hua!” He said. Liubei saw a look of pain cross Mei Hua’s face, obviously something she had been trying to hide with her strong spirit. At that, Liubei’s tone softened. “Mei Hua, they left us in charge. And we’re not even true adults yet. How can we take control of Chrysanthemum Kingdom? You’re only sixteen.” Mei Hua sucked up her breath and elbowed Liubei again. “Don’t get all adult-ish and act like a member of the council, Liubei.” She retorted vehemently. “And don’t you dare treat me like I’m only a child.” But you are. Liubei bit back that reply. “And it’s not like we’re completely defenseless. Azalea has lost their king, too. They’re only left with a weak old empress. What kind of kingdom is that?” She shrugged and returned to waving to a cheering crowd. Liubei clenched his fists. He and Mei Hua were definitely too young to lead this kingdom. They had not experienced the hardships their people had faced in Azalea. They had not experienced the war against Azalea. When their chariot had toured the entire kingdom, the horses pulled it to a stop in front of a castle, rather small and humble, compared to others that are extremely grand and lavishly adorned with stone dragons and colorful paintings. Two simple stone lion statues stood guard at each side of the entrance, one with a paw on a perfectly spherical ball, and the other one with a paw on a smaller lion, as if guarding it. Mei Hua and Liubei both hopped of the chariot, Liubei nodding thanks to the driver. They were escorted into their dining rooms, as it was well past noon, and Mei Hua’s stomach could be heard rumbling slightly. “When’s food coming? I’ve starved!” Mei Hua said in an impatient tone. Liubei rolled his eyes and stared at the table. A shy tap on the door made both of them look up. There, stood a doe-eyed woman, looking unsure of herself. “Umm, your highnesses, there’s a. Uh. Scroll, for you. From Azalea.” “Well, then give it to me, please, Yuanfan.” Liubei raised his hand to take the letter from the shy servant. He barely gave notice to the silk blue ribbon, ripping it away and tossing it on the table, where a bored Mei Hua picked it up and began fiddling with it. As he read, Liubei’s eyes grew wider each time with disbelief. After awhile, Mei Hua finally began to pick up on her brother’s behavior. “You can go, Yuanfan. Thanks for delivering us the letter.” The servant nodded and scampered out of the room, closing the door behind her. “What’s wrong, Liubei?” Mei Hua asked. Liubei put down the scroll. “The empress of Azalea is not in control of the kingdom.” He shook his head. Mei Hua tilted her head to one side. “What?” She sounded confused. Liubei turned his head to meet his sister’s eyes. “The son and daughter of Yutian will take the throne, and rule Azalea.” He said. Mei Hua looked skeptical. “But the empress is experienced. Why leave them in charge?” She pressed on. Liubei shrugged. “How would I know?” He inspected the letter. “And by examining the writing, I don’t think the council wrote this. It lacks the usual formality and flowery words like the previous letters, when we were at war. I think one of the empress’ children wrote this.” Mei Hua huffed. “So what?” She asked again, leaning back on her chair. “Azalea has new rulers. No big deal. There’s nothing to worry about.” “Wait, Mei Hua. There’s more.” Liubei was at the last bit on the scroll. Mei Hua sighed. “What now?” She rested her head on one hand. Liubei set down the scroll from Azalea for the last time. “They want to meet us.” he said tersely.
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9:20am Feb 13 2011
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Posts: 4,258
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............. Oh. My. God. You made my day you know that? Best thing to read all week. Right more, right more!
\r\n
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3:23pm Feb 13 2011
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Normal User
Posts: 355
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Good writing :D It's interesting...
by Zen ♥ |
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12:43am Feb 19 2011
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Posts: 5,998
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[[Thank you everyone, for the positive feedback so far! :3 I'm sorry for not writing much this week. I JUST finished my stinkin' resolution for my club, MUN. And I was busy all Friday in another school campus, debating. Good news, though. My effort was for something. My resolution got pa-ssed! Vote was like 18 to 12. Haha, stinkin' losers. I WIN I WIN I WIN ]] |
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11:32am Feb 19 2011 (last edited on 11:30pm Mar 20 2011)
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Normal User
Posts: 5,998
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Chapter 2
“Emperor Taiyang! Empress Baiyun!” A rather weaselly man entered the Royal Court. At the end of the imperial room, sat a boy in the grandest and obviously most furnished chair. He was much younger than the ancient men that surrounded him, each seated in their own chairs, gaudy when compared to the boy’s. Next to him, sat a girl. She appeared to be more as-sertive, sitting with her back straight, her legs crossed and her face angled slightly upwards. Her long black hair that reached her chest was combed with obvious love, and was arranged in a neat manner, with one blue flower-pin set into the crown of her head. Her eyes were the same eyes of the widow, a shade of blue that seemed to see through any lie. The boy, on the other hand, seemed to slump lazily, his arms on the chair’s cushioned armrest, and his crown messily tied to his head. His hair wasn’t in a much better condition. It was a dark brown color, sprawling all over his head as if he had not bothered to comb it since he had woken up. His eyes had a darker blue tinge, though they were hidden by his hair and half-drooped eyes.They both had donned silk robes of a fine aqua-blue. Flowers were woven into their outfit, and the patterns were identical. "Brother, wake up!" The girl elbowed her brother in the ribs. "What... What?" He grunted, jerking out of whatever daydream he was having. "Baiyun, don't wake me up until this meeting is over." He hissed, provoking another jab in the stomach. "Not my fault, you spent all of last night outside with your friends!" Baiyun narrowed her eyes at her brother. The council could do nothing, helplessly sitting in their seats and watching the two siblings bicker. The argument was short-lived, ending with a big 'hmph' from Baiyun, followed by a sigh from her brother, Taiyang. "You may go on, messenger." Taiyang drawled. The weaselly man nodded, stepping forward with great care and presenting a scroll to the emperor and empress. It wasn't as lavish as the ones they had kept by their side, written on a plain yellow-white sheet of paper, with no decorations adorning it, or silk bows tying it together. After a few minutes of hushed silence, with Baiyun edging to the left of her seat to see what the letter contained, Taiyang set the scroll down, only to be hastily snatched up by Baiyun, who had obviously not finished reading the contents. A weary sigh came out from the emperor. "Well, they agreed." He groaned only to receive a few confused looks from the wrinkly council members. "They're accepting the invitation! We're going to have to meet them." Taiyang said, flustered. "I wish I hadn't listened to my mother, I feel stupid." He slapped himself in the forehead. Baiyun only chuckled, setting the letter down. "This will be interesting, brother." She said in a sly voice. "Are you familiar with the term 'arranged marriage'?" [[This chapter is DEFINITELY not done. I just have to clear up space on my Mac, since I have a history visual essay to do now x.x ]]
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6:37am Mar 3 2011 (last edited on 12:30am Mar 4 2011)
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>>paragraphs<< other than that, its still fantastic ;D <3 <3
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6:34am Mar 11 2011
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Posts: 5,998
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sdfsdfd Paragraphs are for bitter old men :U
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11:31pm Mar 20 2011
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Posts: 5,998
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Bump :3 I finally finished up Chapter 2. It's the holidays, so I'm free :D
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12:39am Mar 21 2011 (last edited on 12:40am Mar 21 2011)
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Posts: 1,082
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Huu. I am in no place to critique plots. But there are some thing I feel that would make the sentences flow more smoothly. o-o Here's a thinger I saw in your prologue. -- “We always knew the day was coming. War can do so many things to people. How... How was he killed, Yue?” Her blue eyes looked up to meet the brown eyes that belonged to the poorly clothed woman named Yue. I do feel that the dialogue can be broken up.
“We always knew the day was coming. War can do so many things to people," [she said, spoke, etc.] "How... How was he killed, Yue?”
Since there are two different ideas[?] in this line, breaking it up would make a nicer transition. Her blue eyes looked up to meet the brown eyes that belonged to the poorly clothed woman.
In the previous dialogue, it is already inplied that the poorly clothed woman is named Yue. There is no need to state it again in the sentence after. -- Urr. To be honest, I believe Wolves and Neko Slave x Master romances are a tad common. o-o Not too fond of them, I must say. -- Well. I hope this helped a little. If you want me to nitpick more on sentence structure, etc feel free to let me know. eue' EDIT: One more thing. A little more distinction between paragraphs would make things much easier to read. Maybe double space in between paragraphs? c:
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1:32am Mar 21 2011
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Posts: 5,998
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That's helpful o3o I've always had troubles with my sentence flow, including school essays e.e |
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1:45pm Mar 21 2011
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Posts: 375
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Perfect. I want to keep reading but there's no more. [Yet] :D
Yeah.
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