Rescreatu - Virtual Pet Game

Untitled Novel (Need opinions, Please Read!)


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Kyreesha

1:09pm Jan 5 2009

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Posts: 677

Here's the prolouge for anyone who's interested. I have like 70 pages done already, but I just need some opinions

 

Prologue

 

The Golden age in the country of Ronanida has come to a tragic end after fifty years of unbroken peace. An unknown power has risen from the depths of the Black Chasm, a cliff that drops down endlessly to what people believe to be the Realm of the Dead. The power was immediately realized to be evil, but all efforts of resistance where wiped away by the entity’s massive army in four simultaneous attacks on the capital cities. Hardest hit was the city of Tal’mokor which levitates above the Black Chasm. While the army swarmed across the marble bridge connecting the floating city to the mainland, the evil entity killed the ruling lord and took the Grand Palace of the city as his shrine. The people were quick to submit under the terrifying force of the new ruler and his army. Within a year the people were calling the entity the Dark King and were living in constant fear of him. Only the soldiers and extremely wealthy did not feel the bite of the iron taxes. This controlled the population and forced families to sacrifice their sons and daughters to the military. This was the same in all four of the capital cities. Thousands of people were forced to leave under the harsh circumstances and move to the countries in the east. Very few of them made it across the mountains alive. Even fewer made it unscarred.  Some turned back and told the people of the city that there was no hope. It was several years before that became false. An old man made his way towards the mainland from the city on the back of an old black mare. A gray beard covered his ragged face and cracked lips sat in a grim frown above a firm chin. His name was Brak and he had decided to finally leave the city and try his luck somewhere else. His head down and shoulders slumped in defeat; he looked back behind him to see the cart with all his belongings being drawn by two mules behind him. When he looked back in front of him, he abruptly reigned in his horse to stop from running over a young raven-haired woman lying face-down on the ground a few yards away from the bridge. Brak’s eyes widened in shock when he saw the huge amount of blood that seeped from the wound in her back. He dismounted his horse as fast as his old body would let him and rushed to the woman’s side. He sighed in relief when he saw that she was still breathing. Brak kneeled down and rolled her over onto her back when he noticed that she had two bundles in her arms. The woman started coughing violently and blood leaked out from the corner of her mouth. Her brilliantly blue eyes fluttered open and one bundle fell from her arms. Ignoring her own pain, the woman grabbed wildly after it. Not knowing what to do, Brak picked up the bundle and the woman relaxed again. She held up the other bundle to him and barely managed to say,

“Please..... take care....... of them.”

Just as Brak lifted the bundle from her outstretched hands, her arms fell limp and her head lolled to the side. At the same time, one of the bundles moved and started to cry. Shifting the cloth slightly, Brak uncovered the head of a baby girl. She stopped crying and instead looked up at him with crystal blue eyes. Brak looked in the other bundle to find, not a baby human, but a male baby dragon. His scales were black as coal and a tuft of green hair was visible on the top of his head. He slept on despite the girl’s previous cries. Brak looked down at both of them. It would be difficult to raise a child alone in the city, much less a dragon. Dragons did live in the city and it was not uncommon for a rich merchant to adopt one, but if one didn’t have right environment, it could become very difficult and stressful. He considered leaving them there and continuing. Then the baby dragon opened his green eyes and turned his head to look at Brak. With both of them staring at him so, he had no choice but to turn back to the city. He carefully placed them in the cart and quickly dug a grave for the woman before riding back. As he slowly rode back down the marble bridge, his gaze absently turned to the Shadow Mountain looming to the south. Legends marked the mountain as the lair of the shadow guardian, one of the six elemental guardians that held balance in the land. Rumors said that the shadow guardian was telepathically fighting the Dark King. Only the guardian held the king back from extending his rule beyond the mountains and to the eastern countries. The legends continued to say that if all six guardians were brought together to fight, the Dark King could be defeated, but only a shapeshifter could accomplish that feat. All shapeshifters were killed in the city the day the king came to power to prevent this from happening. Despite this, the shadow guardian battles on. Brak was thinking about the legend when he saw a black shape detach from the mountain and launch itself into the air, moving towards the bridge. Brak’s eyes widened in terror when he recognized the shape to be a huge black dragon. He started to spur his horse into a gallop, but hesitated when he remembered the two babies still in his cart. He cursed to himself and dismounted, rushing to the back of his cart. The black dragon had wiggled out of his bundle and was curled up beside his sister. Brak picked up both of them in one bundle and ran back to his horse. Just as he was about to mount the old mare, her nostrils flared and eyes opened in terror as she caught the scent of the approaching dragon. She reared up, boxing the air and galloped away towards the city. Startled, Brak fell back hard, but he was careful not to harm the child and dragon. He felt the bridge shake underneath him as something massive landed on it. He turned his head in the direction of the city and saw a huge black and red shape. Obsidian talons scratched against the marble as the dragon moved. Brak slowly got up, his legs shaking violently. A giant wedge shaped head lowered itself on a long neck to his level where Brak could see the mane of red hair that ran from the top of its head, all the way down its neck. Two huge red orbs stared at him and the great toothed maw opened slightly. Brak winced and looked away, thinking the dragon would eat him in a moment, when he heard a deep rumbling voice say,

“I saw what you did for Atria.”

Opening his eyes, Brak looked back at the dragon, confused. He saw something in the beast’s eyes that resembled nothing to hunger. It was sadness.

“So Atria was her name... May I ask you of your name, mighty beast?”

The dragon’s head rose and his chest stuck out proudly.

“I am Nexodius, Shadow Guardian and the father of those two hatchlings in your arms. Atria must have entrusted them to you in her last moments. If you want an explanation, I’m sorry.”

Nexodius turned to leave, but Brak cried out,

“Wait! What am I supposed to do? The city is as dangerous a place as ever! It is no place to raise the children of the shadow guardian! They’ll be killed within a year!”

The dragon’s eyes narrowed dangerously and a growl rumbled from his throat.

“You had better hope for your sake that that is not so! Those two have the power to bring the guardians together.”

Brak’s eyes widened in surprise and he looked down at the tiny dragon and human girl that would make the ancient legend complete. He heard Nexodius turn away again and quietly asked,

“Will you at least name them?”

The black dragon looked back one last time, his eyes strangely moist.

“Atria and I had already picked out names....... Lori and Nexus. One day they will come to me. They have to, for the sake of not just the country, but for the whole world.”

With that, he took off in a three strong flaps of huge leathery wings. Brak stared after him as he disappeared in the dark colored rock of Shadow Mountain. He looked up as he heard hooves on stone. His mare had returned and he tenderly rubbed her head as he mounted again. The mules had barely even noticed the dragon so the cart was still there. Brak spurred his horse into motion and the mules were close behind him. Looking down at the two strange siblings in his arms, he smiled. He had a strange feeling that everything was going to be fine.

 




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luv2eatTacos

4:36pm Jan 5 2009 (last edited on 4:37pm Jan 5 2009)

Normal User


Posts: 1,679

Yes yes yes!  I would LOVE to hear more!  That is seriously VERY good!  I absolutely must know what happens!

You have some awesome figurative language in there, and it sounds like this is going somewhere really cool!





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Kyreesha

12:21pm Jan 6 2009

Normal User


Posts: 677

allrighty ^^ ill post chapter 1 then

Chapter 1

“Lori!!” Brak yelled. “Get down from Miss Meredith's roof right now!”

A young girl about nine years old poked her head over the edge of the roof and stuck out her tongue before darting out of the way of a flying sandal. She giggled and leaned back to enjoy the sunlight. Tal’mokor was in high summer and Lori wore a short cloth skirt common to the children of the city.  A white shirt that had long since become too small for her covered the top half of her body leaving the rest of her caramel colored skin exposed to the warm sun. Her tone of skin was very unusual for a person living in Tal’mokor so it was easy to pick her out from a crowd. The shoulder length, pale white hair that accompanied her skin made it no easier for her to fit in. She groaned in annoyance when a dark shape suddenly stood over her.

“You’re blocking my sun, Brother.”

The black dragon shrugged and said,

“That doesn’t matter to me if we’re not getting dinner tonight. You know how Uncle Brak is when you do stuff.”

Lori sighed and sat up, glaring at Nexus. He returned her glare with an unblinking stare. Before long, Lori burst out laughing and said,

“All right, all right. I’ll go.”

He snorted and took off in a flurry of black feathers. This feature of Nexus was rare among dragons. Only angelic air dragons ever had feathered wings. Lori stared after him and yawned, stretching her arms out wide. Energy sparked around her shoulders and a pair of pure white wings seemed to grow from her back. She took off and followed her brother as he navigated his way above the rooftops of the city know as “The City of White Lights.” Despite the Dark King’s harsh rule, the city managed to stay clean and so keep its reputation. Nexus’s keen eyes searched the many houses for the right one and nearly crashed into a strange contraption flying in a straight line. It was a triangular bamboo frame that had a piece of hide stretched between the poles.  A large handle stuck out from the bottom where a young boy was holding his body rigid in the air. He had on a leather cap and goggles over his eyes. He veered to the side to avoid crashing into Nexus and Lori. She hovered for a moment before calling out to the boy,

“Hey, Byron!! Your Dad make another invention already?!”

The boy lifted his arm in a quick wave before pointing down to the plaza at the front of the city. Lori nodded and angled her wings to spiral down to the ground. Byron landed shortly after her, the strange flying creation resting on the stone of the plaza. He removed his goggles and cap, revealing jet black hair and hazel eyes. His father was a well known inventor in the city and would let Byron test his many inventions, much to the absolute joy of the young adventurer. Lori’s wings shrunk back into her shoulders and Nexus did a quick twist in the air before landing beside her.

“Show off.” She whispered. Nexus snorted and said,

“Sorry about that; I was looking for our house.”

Byron shrugged and asked,

“You two aren’t hurt right?”

Both of them shook their heads. He sighed in relief and said,

“Well I need to get this glider back to my house before I have to go to school. Will you help me carry it back?”

Lori eagerly nodded, she always loved going over to Byron’s. She would catch glimpses of his father’s studio and all of the unique and amazing contraptions within. Lori was holding one side of the glider when she asked,

“What’s school for?”

Byron laughed and said,

“You learn stuff there. You’ll find out soon anyways. You’re only a year younger than me right?”

She nodded and answered,

“What about Nexus? Can he go too?”

“Unlikely. He’ll have to go to the school down in the tunnels. That’s where all the dragons and elemental beasts go in the city for schooling.”

Nexus snorted and started complaining,

“I don’t see why we get separated. Even Avians get to go to human schools. Most of the hounds and dragons have human companions, and it’s not like you guys are any smarter than us.”

Byron shrugged and said,

“You know how the king wants things. Having humans and powerful creatures like dragons going to the same school could produce someone who could actually become a threat to his rule. And Avians are no danger to him since most of ’em are loners, damn bird people. You two will learn all about that next year.”

They passed a pair of soldiers on patrol. Lori struggled to peer over the glider to get a better look at them. Their crimson cloaks flapped in the summer breeze and their silver armor glinted in the sunlight. On the breastplates of the soldiers was the emblem of the Dark King, two swords crossed over the face of a horned demon. As the cloak of one of the soldiers shifted in the wind, Lori caught a glimpse of a sword belted onto the man’s hip. She continued to stare at them until they rounded a corner. By that time, the little party had reached Byron’s house. It looked like every other house in Tal’mokor’s common grounds: pale marble walls, flat roof and wooden door. They moved around the back of the house, where the wall was opened and had a large wooden door that could be pulled over the opening at night. Byron’s father called it a garage. The garage took up most of the property. The only other rooms were a small kitchen, a single bedroom where both father and son slept, and a small washroom. Byron said,

“Help me put it in the garage.”

Lori simply nodded and carefully followed Bryon’s instructions to avoid bumping into anything. When the glider was in its own spot on the ground, Lori heard a voice from the direction of the bedroom say,

“Byron, is that you? How did the glider work?”

A large man walked out of the bedroom, an oily rag in his hands. His hair was as black as Byron’s though the man had a thick beard growing from his large chin. His dark brown eyes had a cheerful glow to them as he looked at his son and Lori.

“Ah, Lori. Bump into him did ya?” He said with a hearty grin.

“Yes, Mr. Dalton, sir.” Lori answered. She liked Dalton. He was very kind and always happily welcomed Lori and Nexus into his and Byron’s home. His wife, Salina, had died shortly after Byron’s birth and he had raised the boy alone. Despite this, he always had a smile on his face and held his arms open to anyone who hated the king. Nexus shoved Lori hard and said,

“Come on, sis, we have to go.”

Dalton nodded and said,

“Byron needs to go to school anyways. Feel free to come back later if you want.”

“Sure thing. See you later Byron!” Lori said as she turned away to leave. Nexus took off and Lori was quick to follow, taking time to let her wings emerge again. They flew once more above the city, finally starting their descent close to the northern edge of the city, where the cobblestones dropped away to become the Black Chasm. As soon as they landed, Brak came bursting out the front door of their small home.

“Where have you been? It’s almost noon and you haven’t been seen by anyone since you were on Miss Meredith’s roof. We are still going to talk about that, young lady. For now get in the house and eat, your food is already cold.”

Lori sighed and Nexus said as he passed,

“Told you so.”

She glared at his back and followed him through the door. Brak closed the door behind them and joined them at the table. Nexus had a special table that was closer to the ground for him to eat. Brak thought it impolite to eat off the floor, whether it was from a plate or not. Lori picked absently at her food, head down, as Brak stared at her.

“You flew again didn’t you?” He growled.

Lori threw down her fork and said,

“So what if I did?”

“Curse it, Lori! You know we can’t have the King find out about you and Nexus!”

“He can’t find out about Nexus since he’s a perfectly normal dragon to everyone’s eyes, and people mistake me for an Avian all the time!”

“You open your wings in public? Lori!”

“Oh Uncle, you worry way too much! If I went up to a patrol and opened my wings in their faces they wouldn’t know anything!”

Brak sighed heavily and slumped back in his chair. Lori got up and headed to the door, saying,

“I’ll be back for dinner.”

Brak growled,

“No flying.”

Lori rolled her eyes at him and said,

“Whatever.”

She walked all the way to the middle of the city where the entrance to the underground tunnels was. The entrance was a simple hole in the ground that had uneven stone stairs leading into the deep depths of the city. Torches lined the walls all the way down, but once she reached level ground, the torches stopped and were replaced by glowing patches of moss that gave off an eerie green light. The tunnels branched off in dozens of different directions. All of the ceilings were very high and the width of the tunnel could fit two fully grown fat dragons standing side by side. She passed many different dragons as she picked her way through the tunnels. She also passed a varied amount of wolves, hounds and cats. Each one of them was known as Elemental Beasts. Every canine or feline had the power of fire, water, air or nature. Shadow and light were only elements that dragons could master along with the four other ones. As she rounded a corner, Lori ran right into a large furry ob
ject twice her size. She fell back, landing on her behind and looked up into the face of a Thunder Hound, a rare breed of hound that could harness the power of sound to devastating effects. It had patches of black, yellow and blue fur all over its body. There was a black symbol on its shoulder that looked like a crescent moon with a scar running down it and a circle in the middle. A long fluffy tail swung slightly as the hound considered Lori with bright blue eyes much like her own.

“Oh, hey Raigoo. Sorry about that.”

The hound shook his head and said,

“Don’t worry about it, little one. Where are you off to?”

Lori got back up and brushed the dirt off her skirt.

“I’m just walking around. This place is nice and quiet.”

Raigoo sighed and asked,

“You’re going to the balcony again aren’t you?”

She grinned from ear to ear and nodded. Raigoo lifted a giant paw and ruffled her hair slightly before he said,

“Don’t let the Elders see you.”

She nodded and darted off. What Raigoo had meant by the Elders was the council of four ancient Elemental Beasts from each faction. The Elder for the dragons was an old female water dragon that Lori had met only once before. Wolves and Hounds preferred their factions to be separate due to disputes between the political leaders. Lori had never seen the Elder for the wolves but she knew from tunnel rumors that his name was Aurumn and that he was a fire wolf. The rumors she had heard told her that Aurumn was actually an ash wolf, a species that had all but died out after the War of the Beasts that had been waged almost two hundred years ago. Aurumn was easily that old. The Hound Elder was even older than Aurumn, though of the same element. Marrigo was a fire hound, and a hound purely of fire at that. The hound was quite a storyteller and Lori often went to his cave to listen to his tales. Once when she had been listening to the old hound weaving his stories, the Feline Elder had walked in. Xenolith was the youngest of the Elders at about a hundred and twenty years. She was also the Elder that hated the King’s rule the most. The pure white cougar-like cat was of the air element. When Lori had seen her, a pair of silver bells was hanging from her bushy tail, jingling lightly as her body swayed while she walked. Xenolith had looked upon Lori with gentle eyes, as if they had known each other for years. The feeling had been strange to Lori, but the thought could not last long in the mind of an energetic young girl. Lori passed the tunnel that branched off to the Council Chambers where she knew the Elders were probably lazing about, having nothing else to do. She finally came to another flight of stairs that she followed. It branched off several times, but she ignored them and continued her descent. The stairs leveled out at last and also opened up to open air. She walked out onto the large ledge that she had declared as her favorite spot. It was well hidden from any flyers above, and no one ever took the time or effort to go all the way down the staircase. She sat down and let her legs hang over the side into open space. She always came here when she needed to think. She was angry at Brak, but she knew he was right. Brak had not told Nexus or Lori anything about their father. He had asked around about their mother, Atria, but he had found nothing.

                Since the balcony faced the mainland, Lori was able to watch the sun slowly set. It was almost two hours before Lori was disturbed by some earth crumbling off of the side of the walls. She didn’t even have to look when Nexus poked his head over the edge.

“So here you are. I’ve been looking all over for you.”

The dragon dived from the high ceiling and pulled up just before he hit the ground to make a light touchdown. She turned her head to him and grumbled,

“Showoff.”

In response, he rubbed his head up and down her arm, like a large cat waiting to be stroked. Lori smiled and put her arm around the dragon’s neck as he sat down. For another hour, the two siblings continued to watch the sun go down before Lori said,

“I don’t want us to go to different schools, Nexus.”

He sighed and replied,

“Neither do I. I only know three other dragons here in the city, and one of them is an elder.”

“I don’t know anyone else besides Byron, and he’ll be in a different classroom since he’s a year older.”

Nexus lowered his head onto his front paws and stared out into empty space.

“Yeah, it’s going to get boring next year.” He mumbled.

Lori laughed and leaned back on her hands. As the last rays of the sun disappeared over the ridge of the Black Depths above them, Lori said,

“I promise, one day I’ll get rid of the Dark King and change the way things are around here. I’ll become strong and use my power to fight against the king.”

She looked at Nexus and asked,

“Are you with me, brother?”

The dragon raised his head and gave her a look of annoyance before saying,

“Are you kidding? You’re helpless without me! If you decided to take on the king without my help, you wouldn’t last a split second.”

Lori laughed and stood up.

“Thanks for the boost of my self confidence.”

The dragon shrugged and jumped into the air.

“Coming?”

Lori shook her head and said with a smile, “I think I’ll walk.”

 




Photobucket "Nobody ever stumbled on luck while sitting down."
luv2eatTacos

8:50pm Jan 6 2009

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Posts: 1,679
Very nice!  Lol, needs to be revised but other than that I really like where this is going!




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Kyreesha

7:09am Jan 7 2009

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Posts: 677
revised? could you tel me where? I go over this like a million times but I find something new every time



Photobucket "Nobody ever stumbled on luck while sitting down."
luv2eatTacos

2:54pm Jan 7 2009

Normal User


Posts: 1,679

Sure, I'll try to track down a few parts for you. :)  I know what you feel like, I got a short story back in class today and there were a bunch of little things my teacher corrected that I know are wrong but that I never noticed!

'Lori had never seen the Elder for the wolves but she knew from tunnel rumors that his name was Aurumn and that he was a fire wolf. The rumors she had heard told her that Aurumn was actually an ash wolf, a species that had all but died out after the War of the Beasts that had been waged almost two hundred years ago.'

I got confused here.  She talks about rumors in both sentences, but they are different.

And I guess that's the only one I can remember right now.  If I get time I can go back and tell you a few more.  The only other thing I can think of right now is a few of the typos, like when you put 'Bryon' instead of Byron.  

I hope this will help you, and I can't wait to hear more!





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