Victoria and The Lion's Den. Rating/Critique?

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SquirtleKatelyn	12:24pm Mar 27 2011
Normal User Posts: 27	Locked in the cellar With the bones and spider That crawl through your open eyes Their webs built on your purple frozen mouth Nothing's left inside of your corpse The occasional wine bottle Left for the spiders Trapped in the heat With no windows for air Your lungs will start to drown In all the empty space, you lie alone Shaking with the fear and shame Forget about your need to Breathe here again Broken by him With barely any skin Your organs will wilt away Turning to ashes by the fireplace Where your cold body turns The spiders run from Your fiery blaze Rotted in the ash With nothing left but tears Underneath your painted smile Is a witty little spider trying to find his Happiness in this Hell World Where none live But you Found in time With nothing but that spider He stayed the entire time with you Picking up your pieces and putting them Back together again like a puzzle One brave little spider Loves you. �
Celty	4:49pm Mar 27 2011
Normal User Posts: 3,318	[[Homg buddeh... I LOVE IT!! <333]]
SquirtleKatelyn	8:15pm Mar 27 2011
Normal User Posts: 27	Thankies, Pepsi. ^-^ �
Celty	3:41pm Mar 28 2011
Normal User Posts: 3,318	[[ Hehe I'm going to write a poem too! goes to make thread Check it out when yu have time Squiel <333 ]]
SquirtleKatelyn	4:57pm Mar 28 2011
Normal User Posts: 27	Mkay. No problem, Pepsi. BUMP. <3 �
Samwise	11:00pm Mar 28 2011
Normal User Posts: 107	Wow that was really good
DracoTarcheInazuma	6:12am Mar 29 2011
Normal User Posts: 1,082	With the bones and spider The two nouns don't flow well with each other due to not being both singular nor both plural. Perhaps make it: "With the bones and spiders" or "With the bone and spider"? Their webs built on your purple frozen mouth Too many syllables in comparison to the other lines. "purple" may be omitted. The occasional wine bottle Left for the spiders These lines don't seem to fit in with the rest of the poem itself. In all the empty space, you lie alone This is a matter of personal taste, but I feel that the parts could be rearranged. "You lie alone in ~~all~~ the empty space" Is a witty little spider trying to find his Happiness in this Hell World The flow in these lines seems rather choppy. Buy hey, I do like this poem. I really like the tone expressed here. Good job.
SquirtleKatelyn	4:21pm Mar 29 2011
Normal User Posts: 27	Draco: Thanks for reviewing. :3 With the bones and spider The two nouns don't flow well with each other due to not being both singular nor both plural. Perhaps make it: "With the bones and spiders" or "With the bone and spider"? The poem's flow is actually not supposed to "flow", if that makes sense. The point was so that line would stay through your head while reading the rest of the poem. Their webs built on your purple frozen mouth Too many syllables in comparison to the other lines. "purple" may be omitted. It's part of the form, and deion. Again, I was going for a wacky way of writing; it helps express the type of mood I was going for. The occasional wine bottle Left for the spiders These lines don't seem to fit in with the rest of the poem itself. The "wine bottle" isn't really a wine bottle. It's a very vague use of symbolism. Is a witty little spider trying to find his Happiness in this Hell World The flow in these lines seems rather choppy. I was going for choppy. It signifies that the ending is near and adds suspense. Thanks for your helpful criticism though. And I'm glad you liked it. ^-^ �
Reddaysi	2:46pm Apr 12 2011
Normal User Posts: 251	OMG amazing. :3
SquirtleKatelyn	10:06pm Apr 16 2011
Normal User Posts: 27	Thanks, Daisy! <3 ^-^ �

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Victoria and The Lion's Den. Rating/Critique?