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Waiting for the Rain

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RootBeerLover	9:12pm Oct 4 2011
Normal User Posts: 247	Teardrops have been placed in my eyes, even when people think nothing is wrong, though I always try to be strong. Its just so hard to be yourself, when everyone else is around and looking, I really just try not to make a sound, can i just have someone to be here with me when I'm down, or when I'm even feeling lonely, I feel that no one is here for me. because of all the sadness and pain place in my heart, would this be able to go on forever, at a stage when I feel like I'm being torn down into pieces and I really don't think that I can handle this, is it that no one cares about me, or am I just over reacting, should I feel this way, each and everyday, and out of no where I begin to scream, hoping that it was just a dream, I couldn't believe what has happened to me, where did I go wrong, thinking that I would be strong, can all of this just disappear, into the middle of no where, when I have been treated, in such many ways, gone are those days, it wasn't like it was anything new to me, and again gone are those days, when I couldn't sleep, thinking of what would go wrong, would i be able to wake up with a smile on my face, or would I ever be able to smile again, always hearing someone calling my name, It's like a ghost is always there, and as I turn my head and back again, there goes the voices again, should I worry about what has happened, or let go and move on to a new start, when it all starts again and again, just here wishing that the world would change. Please click me! I'm dying! EDIT: Oh crap I'm dead. Click me anyways, cause I'm awesome.
dogpaw49	5:33pm Oct 5 2011
Normal User Posts: 2,836	Bravo!!
Riyo	9:57pm Oct 5 2011
Normal User Posts: 369	How to use punctuation and capital letters. Because of all the sadness and pain place in my heart, would this be able to go on forever, at a stage when I feel like I'm being torn down into pieces, and I really don't think that I can handle this? Is it that no one cares about me, or am I just over reacting? Should I feel this way, each and every day? And out of nowhere I begin to scream, hoping that it was just a dream. I couldn't believe what has happened to me. Where did I go wrong? Thinking that I would be strong? Can all of this just disappear into the middle of nowhere, when I have been treated in such many ways? Gone are those days. It wasn't like it was anything new to me, and again gone are those days when I couldn't sleep, thinking of what would go wrong. Also "nowhere" is one word. Aside from that you just really need to work on sentence structure. Maybe try googling "run on sentences" because those kinds of grammar errors really destroy the readability of what you have. So while your word choice is very powerful and emotional, the fact that my brain is trying to organize it and make sense of it distracts it from that. When you use correct punctuation and sentence structure, it allows the reader's mind to focus on the meaning and the feeling, instead of trying to put it together in a logical manner. "You must always remember that the only thing necessary for evil to triumph is for good people to do nothing." - Alucard, Castlevania: Symphony of the Night.
RootBeerLover	10:02pm Oct 5 2011
Normal User Posts: 247	Ram- I do agree about my horrifying punctuation and grammar errors. I usually never write incorrectly (referring to grammar/spelling/punctuation). It's the situation I was in while writing this. I was an emotional wreck, and was just scribbling down my thoughts, not paying attention to mistakes and such. Thank you, however, for those corrections. <3 If you've seen my writing before, you'd know I'd never make such awful mistakes. xD I'm a complete grammar Nazi. Please click me! I'm dying! EDIT: Oh crap I'm dead. Click me anyways, cause I'm awesome.
Yoshi	10:55pm Oct 5 2011
Normal User Posts: 3,642	I'll agree that it was pretty hard to focus on the poem itself because things just didn't really seem to flow. I guess personally I chalked it up to the lack of meter and structure instead of grammar though. There's also a lot of repetitiveness, which added to the whole feeling distracted bit, as well as some pointless phrases. I felt like several little bits and even entire lines could have been taken out, which is pretty big in whether or not it feels complete and finished. In artistic composition, for example, they say every single element in a work should be there for a reason, or else it's simply a distraction. I'm sure it's the same in the writing world. The most obvious example I see of like. A line that seems too pointlessly wordy is that longest one, 'Can I just have someone to be here with me when I'm down?' It feels like there's a lot of fluff that doesn't need to be there - mostly the 'just' and the 'with me'. Some condensing could definitely help lines like these feel less like we're stumbling over them. There are a ton of unneeded 'and's and 'or's, and the words 'placed', 'just', and 'feel' seem pretty repeated.. though actually the 'placed' thing could possibly be turned into a kind of refrain if you wanted to do that, since it's kind of an interesting word to use and can have a lot of meaning insinuated behind it. P: Again, it always helps to make things deliberate - always well thought-out, always carefully placed. What might be a distraction when used without care can become something that pulls a piece together when you really think about where you put it.
RootBeerLover	7:00pm Oct 6 2011
Normal User Posts: 247	Yay Critique<3 I'll try to fix it up when I can. Thanks guys. :) Please click me! I'm dying! EDIT: Oh crap I'm dead. Click me anyways, cause I'm awesome.

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