Psh, do you know how hard it is to get feedback here?

Already by looking at it, it's too short. Either you merge it with your chapter two or expand on it.What I suggest is also doing some deions to this because your readers would have a better idea on how everything looks like.

Also I reckon you should read back on it, I know you are aware of the grammatical errors but at least fix up small obvious things like capitalizing your i's o3o;

Again, I don't like it when people use digits rather than write out the actual numbers. It looks unprofessional to me but eh, up to you I guess.

mkay.

well i cant merge it with the 2nd chapter because the second chapter ish completely different, but I guess i could make it more deive or maybe a little longer.

as for the grammar.... i ish lazy.

and about the countdown, I put it that way because on TV they always Have the big numbers flashing on this big screen.

thx 4 de feedback. 

Yep a little short, try deatailing the main character a little. Like, what they were wearing, pick out some of their friends, say so-and-so was wearing blah blah and she/he looked good. Give the char a complex (Maybe they're jealous, or accepting.) describe who's house it was, give us more visual aid, how many people were there or what was served make the char do something before announcing the fireworks, maybe they mingled or drank so punch. I doubt the first thing one does when they get to a party is announce shooting fireworks and grab nothing at the snack table (That'd be the first place I'd go.) Also, try describing why the char loves fireworks so much. Try developing the char a little bit more. The more developed the better the imagery.

As far as grammar, I hate it when people pester you over grammar, while it's important, not even famous writers have flawless grammar, they have editors! People that are payed to make the writing flawless! *sigh* Most of the time when people post something they want storyline feedback not getting knocked for their grammar mistakes, sometimes they just want to know how good their storyline is before they continue on with it. 

I've been writing for years, all my life I've written countless stories that I quit writing them because I had no real feed back. Even on internet sites I was getting grammar bashed when it was just a bunch of thoughts, not meant for publication. Really it sucks the excitement out of your story. I used to edit my friends work, I always hated telling her her grammar was bad so I fixed a lot of it without telling her. -.-; 

 Anyway remember: Details. Details. Details, they make a better story. The storyline looks cool I'm curious to see how it unfolds. Don't worry about grammar until you have all your ideas written out. Remember, don't let anyone bash you for grammar, remind them that no one is perfect and even if it was just laziness that it was just an idea you wanted feedback on. On length, I suggest if you had any hopes of publication you detail the crap out of your first chapter, editors and publication companies laugh short stories off and dump them. 

Hope I helped!

~ Rave <3

It still couldn't hurt to try to fix things up though. Bad grammar can distract people, which obstructs the goal of getting feedback on the story itself. Kinda hard to read a story that makes me stop every other sentence to correct things in my mind, even after telling myself not to.

And I wouldn't call a ninety-three bad. xD That's an A. A's are good. And even if you do somehow see that as inadequate, don't use it as an excuse for your easily fixable errors. Although not quite as bad, that's comparable to those people who always flail the 'It's my style!' thing around when their anatomy is blatantly off in all their drawings.

Anywai. The story's interesting I s'pose, but I'd agree it could be much more with some detailing. Right now you've pretty much leapt right into your plot without a second thought - no letting us become familiar with the character, knowing what her life is like, who she is, or anything. Even the best of plots will die if it leaves behind its characters.

okay a few things

1. I'm sorry for jumping right in i just wanted to get through the 1st chapter quickly because the main plot doesn't start until ch2.

2 the main character is me. i'm a dude... just wanted to clear that up. 

3.Zoey you know what happens next because your gonna be in the movie.

4. I hate it when people pester me about grammar too. My philosophy is: if they can understand you than it's correct grammar.

5. to me a 93 is very bad. i got a 100 in every subject except english soooo... yah. 

sorry 4 any inconvienences. 

 Wow. All hundreds.. What the heck grade are you in? I haven't thought it that easy in years. 8(

Whoops. o3o Terribly sorry there. For some reason I just.. imagined a girl.

You should probably still give us a bit more onto which we can latch in the first chapter. Your first chapter is very important; it hooks the readers, it tells us about your world and your characters, and overall, it sets up the book. Being so skimpy as this, your first chapter provides almost nothing for the story. We could probably erase it altogether and get a better start out of the second chapter, which I presume begins with suspense and whatnot. That says this chapter really needs some work. Actually, just the fact that I thought your character was a girl says it needs work..

I guess most of all, try not to get so impatient. Many stories don't start with the main plot until a few chapters in, and some not even that soon. Look at To Kill a Mockingbird, for instance; it goes through several chapters setting up atmosphere and telling us of the children's adventures as they grow both physically and as characters, all the while introducing various other characters and dropping bits of foreshadowing and ideas that'll be picked up and used again later. Thus, when the truly climactic part of the plot comes along, it's all the more powerful.

And, apologies for beating a dead horse, but I really believe that philosophy won't get you far. As a writer, your goal is to hold and entertain or inform readers. To readers like Rawru and me, those blatant grammar errors are like pricks in the fingers. They lose you our respect, and so, you've also just lost part of your crowd.

So, you say, 'There are editors.' You seem to fail to realise that those errors probably won't impress publishers either. It'll take a heck of an idea to get their respects past their first impression of you being lazy. And even if you do get published, you'd still have to pay that editor to go through every single page of your book and fix a dozen errors on each. I'm not sure how much an editor would want for that, but I sure wouldn't want to do it.

Laziness on a writer's part isn't good. If you're gonna do this, devote yourself to it.

Also, just a bit of advice, but I'd recommend not using self-inserts, or at least being careful with it. Self-insert characters are prime targets for favoritism and the possibility of becoming Mary-Sues. No one likes a Sue.