|
12:33pm May 22 2011
|
Normal User
Posts: 1,874
|
Just a warning, this was meant to be read aloud, so if the rhythm is off in your head, then it is entirely your own fault.
My feelings aren't words
my small hands grasp for
a way to express this
overweight contortionist
that lives inside me.
My feelings stay
out of reach, and my
fingers clasp empty air,
useless in their
solidity.
I am through with words.
Elephants with wings, they
are hard to think of and explain.
So I'll speak in common tongues:
Shrugging shoulders,
butterfly glances.
It may be difficult to hear at first.
With time and practice,
conversation
will come
like breathing,
and then we shall be
truly free.
I can better arrange words on paper,
being more volatile suspended in air.
Either way, it's difficult for me
to tear my still-beating heart free.
I leave behind breath and vapor
of spoken things,
preferring to carve out what I think.
I'm prepared to give it to you,
this bloody mass of desperation
but it seems as if you already know.
words are mocking me,
and the militaristic order of nature;
this way of existing.
Words are all I have,
but they
are strangling me.
I'll stick to what's familiar
ignore it until we're
thoroughly afraid
of even mentioning its name.
Then the silence
will begin to corrode
the feelings I carry inside
of me.
If I wouldn't stumble
Trip
Choke
Over my words
Emotions
Expressions
You would understand.
But this hand
Mouth
Pen
Is so far incompatible with the waves of your wake.
Make no mistake, I'll continue to try
Endeavor
Struggle
to make myself comprehensible in your mind.
A thousand words live and die
short lives
graves of crumpled paper and torn pages
epitaphs written on erasers
scribbled over with pen.
Alliecat is offline. (◕‿◕✿) and also (ﾉ^ヮ^)ﾉ*:･ﾟ’✿,｡･:*:❀･ﾟ’❁
|
|
5:29pm May 22 2011
|
Normal User
Posts: 3,828
|
This has to be one of the best poems I've ever read and boy, do I read a lot of poetry. I think the reason I like it so much is because it describes something I've been feeling lately. Because of this, I just want to say thanks, I guess. It's wonderful. <3
hello my name is elder price
|
|
6:08pm May 22 2011
|
Normal User
Posts: 314
|
O_O Honestly, I completely agree with shadowfax. Amazing. I love the rhyme scheme...it's different. Not something you see everywhere. I really love this poem...It makes you think, y'know? It, like, discribes things you can't really discribe... Okay, I know that makes no sense and probably sounds really cliche and stupid, but...
I'M BACK!!! ...sorta. And now I'm in love with Jesse McCartney! He's hot.
|
|
10:03pm May 22 2011
|
Normal User
Posts: 1,191
|
I like this. But I really couldn't get into the feel of it...not for the rhythm, it was that it was just...not there for me. Poetry is supposed to be static and charged, and every word has to mean something. They say "It takes longer to write short poetry". It's true. It took me over a week to write a 16-line poem into this: Who do I see
Staring right back at me
But my own Tweedledum
To my own Tweedledee? It really does help to edit out a lot of things. My personal thing is I get a notebook--doesn't have to be anything fancy, but I personally like actual journals-- and write things in there in pencil. Then start overlapping it in pen, aiming to get shorter lines, less lines, and make every word count. Then write the revised thing in pencil and do the same thing again a while later. Keep going until you feel you can't do better. c: Sorry if it doesn't make sense. Also sorry if you're one of those people who can't take things that makes them actually contemplate that their writing/art/photo isn't as good as it could be. --Riley
my name's russ and i only care about uldavi and cute men |
|
8:41pm May 23 2011
|
Normal User
Posts: 1,874
|
Thank you, all three. To shadowfax and Nessie, I very much appreciate your praise, though, Nessie, I might be a tad more appreciative if you'd properly spelled 'describe'. Many many endless thanks to you, Riley. I LOVE getting helpful hints. Your little four line poem is the SHIZ. I know most people are all, 'Yes, please, critique me!' Then the minute you try to help, they go, 'BUT IZ PURFEKT NO NEEDZ HALP!' But I really am glad, and agree. I'm just utter crap at condensing anything. This poem actually used to be about three stanzas longer, but I edited it over and over to get it to a length for slam poetry, which is what I right for. But really, thank you.
Alliecat is offline. (◕‿◕✿) and also (ﾉ^ヮ^)ﾉ*:･ﾟ’✿,｡･:*:❀･ﾟ’❁
|
|
4:49pm May 24 2011
|
Normal User
Posts: 595
|
it is great. i have never read better poetry in my life. you should write more. it is just great. looks really well plotted and thought through. it`s one of those experiences that you only get to see once in a life time. it really describes everything possible about that one thing. it`s also one of those things where it`s really well set out and helps with the effect. thanks. that is a truly great piece of writing.
Current kir quest - blonde leverene
|
|
5:57am May 25 2011
|
Normal User
Posts: 158
|
I love this, especially some of the imagery you use: 'Elephants with wings' is a lovely image in my head and 'buttefly glances' is a beautiful way to describe an action or ex
pression, it's so delicate and shy sounding. I tend to write longer poetry too, so I fully understand that you felt you couldn't condense it any more! Keep up the great work!
Currently looking for an Albino Myotis for Kir
|
|
7:55am May 25 2011 (last edited on 7:56am May 25 2011)
|
Normal User
Posts: 1,874
|
I'll be honest, I took a class just for writing slam poetry. The whole 'elephants with wings' and 'butterfly glances'? Yeah, that stanze used to be: I am through with words.
Cumbersome and heavy, they
are hard to think of and explain.
So I will speak in common tongues:
body language,
furtive glances,
and other things.
It may be difficult to hear at first,
but I believe
that no meaning
can be truly lost
(even in translation).
With time and practice,
conversation
will come easily,
and then we shall be
truly free. So I changed it up quite a bit, and made it considerably shorter. Edit: Oh, and thanks for the kind words. ^-^
Alliecat is offline. (◕‿◕✿) and also (ﾉ^ヮ^)ﾉ*:･ﾟ’✿,｡･:*:❀･ﾟ’❁
|
|
