rootbeercarrot

Yes, it is I.

For those of you who do not know me I must warn you that the following small wall of text is just brain poop that you may or may not read. It is okay if you do not read it for I do not expect you to want to read about my crazy. 

-_-_-_-_-_-_-_-_-_-_-_-_-_-_-_-_-_-_-_-_-_-_-_-_-_-_-_-_-_-_-_-_-_-_-_-_-_-_-_-_-_-_-_-

Time to Change

Hello there to this day that started with so much pain. Hello to this morning that writhed me awake in the early hours before the sun was risen. Just this day alone feels as if it is laughing at the poor quality that has become my life. I have no free time to spend with other people as my weekends are dedicated to work and my weeks are drained away by my sibling's neglected responsibilities. Today is a lucky day for a day of rest has been proclaimed however repercussions ensue later as less income leads to a tighter pocket. With no money to spend on myself (other than bare minimums; food/living space) the quality of my life drops further into an abyss that is fired by depression. I no longer spend time with friends, too embarrassed to admit that I have no money to accompany my presence and that therefore I can not join in the celebrations and events that I am invited to. I get knots in my chest time and again thinking of how I have ignored my friends simply because I cannot afford to do the same activities as them. I hide in bed, I sleep, I cry. Holding my pillow memories flood back, happy memories, but they hurt. I want to die, cease to exist. I can't though. I would hurt others more than I can bear to think by giving up and letting death come to me, so I continue to live. I continue to be.
But as what?
A hallow shell that only lives to please others. I disgust myself at this point. Like a parasite I allow my emotions to feed off of others because my own emotions make life to difficult for me to bear myself. And where does that leave my own emotions? Repressed, suppressed, and concealed to the point that watching the intro to a happy child's movie leaves me sobbing and unable to focus. I have become stupid. At least that is the way I see it. The more I learn about this world the less I want to know. 
I no longer sing, I no longer play music, I no longer walk around outside just to be outside, I no longer want to do any of this, yet they are the things I want most. I come to tears when I start to hum a familiar song, or think about playing a marimba. I get lost in my head so deep when I step outside that I do not even get to enjoy the fact that I am outside. I need things to change.

_-_-_-_-_-_-_-_-_-_-_-_-_-_-_-_-_-_-_-_-_-_-_-_-_-_-_-_-_-_-_-_-_-_-_-_-_-_-_-_-_-_

Thank you for taking time out of your day to read/skim over/look at my post.